The Cherry Blossom That Never Bloomed - Chapter 1 [Kouki's POV]

[misfitmisfit]

Title: The Cherry Blossom That Never Bloomed
Chapter: 1/?
Author: atmosphere_zero and misfitmisfitGenre: Angst, Comedy, Drama, Humor, Romance, Yaoi, AU

Comments

[tohru349]

I really like this story, as well as the approach you two have come up with as far as the format/chapter divisions. That being said, (I don't mean this negatively; this is purely constructive criticism) with a story like this, both chapters really need to show truly different emotions and POV's. Kouki's POV needs to have stronger emphasis on his emotions, background, and reactions to others. For example: at the place where Kouki's parents say "...let’s pretend for a moment that we agree-”“We do not!”...“I said, pretend..."" this is quite obviously rude of them. I know if one of my parents said this, (especially the 'I said pretend') bit, I would be not only incredibly offended, but hurt by the fact that the two people who are supposed to love me unconditionally are so unaccepting. This would be one of the instances where it would be great and easy to expand on the text. Otherwise, it is just copy/pasted dialogue, which is hard to keep readers with. Just needs a bit more expansion in certain spots, is all. ^^ another good place to expand would be where the parents imply that Kouki had been with/had been left by someone before. Every time they do that, he could reminisce, feel various emotions, bring up memories that make his character deeper and more realistic.

It's very good that you described the scenery; in the beginning, it showed that Byou himself is well-off, something that didn't show in the Byou point of view. Do keep up with that. setting the scene by describing the background and setting is definitely an important, if not crucial element for any successful story.

All of that said, I really do enjoy this story and hope to see more of both sides soon. (You of course do not have to take my words to heart, I simply am sharing my opinion. ^^;)

[misfitmisfit]

Thanks so much for the comments! I really appreciate all of your suggestions. I will take these into consideration for the next chapter. I'm glad that at least the scenery was okay, ^^;;; ... I'd feel terrible if there wasn't much else going for this chapter, hahaha. I hope I can do better in the next chapter X'D