And so it all changes...
It's been a long, long, LONG week. A lot has happened and a lot has changed and through it all I have been sad. Epically sad. But I am still here. Still going. Still able to laugh at fmylife.com and at my new favourite show cougar town. I am still okay.
After tomorrow I don't know how okay I will be. Dave's going on a date. With a girl one of his old managers is setting him up with. That hurts. I don't even have words for how much it hurts.
Its strange to think that even while I wanted James, even while I tried, even while I told everyone I was willing to let Dave go, I couldn't do it. I even kept the first text message he ever sent me. The one right after our first date. I couldn't let go. That always meant something to me, even if it was something I couldn't put into words.
I came up with a really terrible analogy when I was talking to him yesterday about James. It was like James and my feelings for him was a cancer in my body. When we first broke up I spent a year trying to get all of the cancerous cells out of my body, but I must have missed a few. So instead of being cured, I was in remission until he came back. All of my feelings (read:symptoms) came back too because they had never really been gone. So this time it took me longer than I would have liked to come back and figure out what everything meant because I had to make sure I had gotten all of it. I didn't want to be in remission anymore, I wanted to be cured. I had to know. I had to make sure.
And I am glad I know. I don't have hope that James will come back again. I closed the door. I said no more. I said we couldn't be friends. I walked away. I said goodbye. And this time... I mean it. I took him off of facebook even though it took me so long to get him to be my friend. I thought I wouldn't be able to, but it felt good. It was my release... my closure. It was my decision and not his and it was on my terms.
Granted, I am sad that my terms were somewhat influenced by his rather decided inability to make decisions, but I didn't do what I did last time. I didn't wait for him to decide he didn't want me. I said I deserved more, deserved better, and I left.
I guess in some ways I am stronger after all.
I miss my best friend. I miss the cat. I miss the home. And I know that because I don't write very often it looks like I change my mind a lot and it looks like I am a litttttle bit crazy, and honestly I am okay with that because I know how I feel in my heart. I'm not crazy. I just forgot myself for a while.
I'm here now though. Too little, too late. But now I can find myself on my own terms again. And I'm kind of excited.
One of my favourite FAVOURITE customers in the world is this gay guy named Brandon. We've been relatively good friends since about a year ago. He is such a funny, sweet, smart guy, and I have loved getting to know him better. He noticed how bad of a day I was having at work on Friday and gave me a HUGE hug to make me feel better. Then he said if I was ever interested in moving to Toronto with him he would totally room with me. Which is awesome for SO MANY REASONS. One because it would mean I could move and I wouldn't have to do it totally alone. Two because living with a gay guy has ALWAYS been on my list of awesome ideas that I never thought I would get to do. Three because there is TOTALLY a book publishing intensive 6 month course that I have been hearing about/trying to find out more about that is IN TORONTO.
So there's that. I might move to Toronto in September. Maybe. Its on my list of things to look into.
I also might have gotten a job as a book editor. [!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] Which is my DREAM JOB ps. Not to make a big thing out of it or anything. I found this job for an ongoing book editor position. They would send me their in-house manual for style guides and a manuscript and I would work on a weekly basis with the author to get it ready for publication. It would all be online so I could do it whenever I wanted. And at the end of my contract the Editor for the company would write me a very nice reference letter which would hopefully get me a job in a bigger publishing house doing the same work. In an office.
I'm trying not to get too excited until I find out more. It's not fantastic pay ($100 at the start of each manuscript and then 5% royalties twice a year) but it's a bonus on top of what I make now, and I can work on it whenever I want. AND ITS IN MY FIELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, that is all.
After tomorrow I don't know how okay I will be. Dave's going on a date. With a girl one of his old managers is setting him up with. That hurts. I don't even have words for how much it hurts.
Its strange to think that even while I wanted James, even while I tried, even while I told everyone I was willing to let Dave go, I couldn't do it. I even kept the first text message he ever sent me. The one right after our first date. I couldn't let go. That always meant something to me, even if it was something I couldn't put into words.
I came up with a really terrible analogy when I was talking to him yesterday about James. It was like James and my feelings for him was a cancer in my body. When we first broke up I spent a year trying to get all of the cancerous cells out of my body, but I must have missed a few. So instead of being cured, I was in remission until he came back. All of my feelings (read:symptoms) came back too because they had never really been gone. So this time it took me longer than I would have liked to come back and figure out what everything meant because I had to make sure I had gotten all of it. I didn't want to be in remission anymore, I wanted to be cured. I had to know. I had to make sure.
And I am glad I know. I don't have hope that James will come back again. I closed the door. I said no more. I said we couldn't be friends. I walked away. I said goodbye. And this time... I mean it. I took him off of facebook even though it took me so long to get him to be my friend. I thought I wouldn't be able to, but it felt good. It was my release... my closure. It was my decision and not his and it was on my terms.
Granted, I am sad that my terms were somewhat influenced by his rather decided inability to make decisions, but I didn't do what I did last time. I didn't wait for him to decide he didn't want me. I said I deserved more, deserved better, and I left.
I guess in some ways I am stronger after all.
I miss my best friend. I miss the cat. I miss the home. And I know that because I don't write very often it looks like I change my mind a lot and it looks like I am a litttttle bit crazy, and honestly I am okay with that because I know how I feel in my heart. I'm not crazy. I just forgot myself for a while.
I'm here now though. Too little, too late. But now I can find myself on my own terms again. And I'm kind of excited.
One of my favourite FAVOURITE customers in the world is this gay guy named Brandon. We've been relatively good friends since about a year ago. He is such a funny, sweet, smart guy, and I have loved getting to know him better. He noticed how bad of a day I was having at work on Friday and gave me a HUGE hug to make me feel better. Then he said if I was ever interested in moving to Toronto with him he would totally room with me. Which is awesome for SO MANY REASONS. One because it would mean I could move and I wouldn't have to do it totally alone. Two because living with a gay guy has ALWAYS been on my list of awesome ideas that I never thought I would get to do. Three because there is TOTALLY a book publishing intensive 6 month course that I have been hearing about/trying to find out more about that is IN TORONTO.
So there's that. I might move to Toronto in September. Maybe. Its on my list of things to look into.
I also might have gotten a job as a book editor. [!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] Which is my DREAM JOB ps. Not to make a big thing out of it or anything. I found this job for an ongoing book editor position. They would send me their in-house manual for style guides and a manuscript and I would work on a weekly basis with the author to get it ready for publication. It would all be online so I could do it whenever I wanted. And at the end of my contract the Editor for the company would write me a very nice reference letter which would hopefully get me a job in a bigger publishing house doing the same work. In an office.
I'm trying not to get too excited until I find out more. It's not fantastic pay ($100 at the start of each manuscript and then 5% royalties twice a year) but it's a bonus on top of what I make now, and I can work on it whenever I want. AND ITS IN MY FIELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, that is all.