love story
I am always grateful to the universe or the cosmos or whoever is responsible for protecting me when I come across songs that I know would have hurt a lot to hear back when James and I broke up. I have mentioned some of them in the past, but this entry isn't about those (although if you need a refresher of songs that are pretty much guaranteed to hurt, lemme know. I have an EPIC list). This is about Taylor Swift, and her album "Fearless".
Honestly I never really thought much about Taylor Swift. I loved loved loved "You Belong With Me" but that was the only song of hers that ever really caught my attention. The first time I heard it was in Whistler with Dave. There was only one music channel worth "watching" on the TV and that song came on probably 30 times in the 4 days we were there. And the TV wasn't even on that much. But I LOVED it. And then there was the whole Kanye West drama and it was sad and she was so innocent and sweet and... well. We all know the story. Big bad Kanye stole her moment, nice compassionate Beyonce saves the day, Taylor appreciates and celebrates. (I am jaded by media).
But, when I was asking Dave to fill up my iPod, I included that album in the list. And recently... I find myself listening to it a LOT at work. Like a lot, a lot. And I am grateful that I didn't know it before...
So this is going to read like a separate entry because it is. I was writing the entry about Taylor Swift and songs that make me feel like crying and dancing all at the same time, when my doorbell rang. And I go to the door and it's Dave. And I don't know what to say to him. Or why he's here.
I have spent the entire day having the shittiest day of work, possibly ever. Everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. And spectacularly so. And then I hung out with Amy and we just talked and she told me why she thought I needed to cut Dave out of my life. For both of our sakes. And I agreed with her mostly. The one thing I always get stuck on when it comes to cutting him out of my life is that I would want (as Dave) a say in it. I would want to be able to choose whether or not I got cut out. I have so rarely had that choice, and I always, always hated not having a choice.
I figured him being here was a good a time as any to try and explain this. I told him I loved him, which I do, and that I couldn't keep being selfish and keeping him loving me and not giving anything back. I told him I feel like I am using him for his love, using him to make myself feel loved and I had to be a better person than that. I told him that I couldn't be that selfish, that I had to let him go even if I wanted to keep him and wanted him to stay and wanted him to keep loving me and fighting for me because it wasn't the right thing to do.
And he says what if he wants to? What if he wants to keep fighting, keep holding on, keep loving me even if my intentions aren't pure for wanting him to do so? He says what if this is the only chance to fight that he gets and he just gives up?
He says a lot of things. We talk a lot. A LOT, about everything to do with this situation. And I start to think maybe, MAYBE after some time, after I figure out my head space with James, we might have a shot. Until I ask him whether he is back on POF and he says yes.
And then I remember all of the issues that we had/have. The trust. The lack of understanding the things that were important to me. The telling me he understands and then the next day or the next time the same thing happens. And it was mostly about this...
How can you say you love someone, how can you say you'll eat me up you love me so, how can you say you're fighting and you're here and you love me more than anything else and be on that site?
How can you believe that this is the right relationship and be on a dating site where your profile says you're looking for dating? How can your interests be: concerts randomness sushi British comedy singing inappropriately documentaries
gin and tonic literacy getting lost
Canucks bandwagonery sarcasm kittens
bikes used bookstores 30 Rock
accents showers headphones
useless knowledge makeouts believing six impossible things before breakfast"
things that we did or talked about or believed in? How can your profile be a copy paste from what it was when we met? How can you use pictures that we took together as your profile pictures on there and tell me that you love me?
And I get it. I get the wanting a distraction, I get the wanting something to help you let go, I get the wanting to have something so that when you NEED to call me, you don't have to. I do. I completely do. What I don't get is why you came over, saying you loved me and you were going to fight (despite my reluctance to let you) WHILE BEING ON A DATING SITE.
And not just any dating site.
And even writing this, even in my "righteous" anger, I feel like an idiot for so many reasons. Firstly, that I am even angry at you for this. I fucked up. I broke up with you, I don't really have the right. You don't owe me anything. Secondly, that I trusted that this wouldn't happen again. Thirdly... for believing that it didn't mean anything.
And yet... even saying that you don't owe me anything, I think "but..." because you can't fight for me when you have a backup. You can't fight for me if you don't believe in this, in us, in the love that you have with the same conviction that I did when I was fighting for you. You can't fight for me, while you are still not understanding why this matters. You just... can't.
The song matters. Sometimes it doesn't, sometimes the "Music" that I post with my entry doesn't matter. Tonight it matters. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1Xr-JFLxik&feature=fvst
Honestly I never really thought much about Taylor Swift. I loved loved loved "You Belong With Me" but that was the only song of hers that ever really caught my attention. The first time I heard it was in Whistler with Dave. There was only one music channel worth "watching" on the TV and that song came on probably 30 times in the 4 days we were there. And the TV wasn't even on that much. But I LOVED it. And then there was the whole Kanye West drama and it was sad and she was so innocent and sweet and... well. We all know the story. Big bad Kanye stole her moment, nice compassionate Beyonce saves the day, Taylor appreciates and celebrates. (I am jaded by media).
But, when I was asking Dave to fill up my iPod, I included that album in the list. And recently... I find myself listening to it a LOT at work. Like a lot, a lot. And I am grateful that I didn't know it before...
So this is going to read like a separate entry because it is. I was writing the entry about Taylor Swift and songs that make me feel like crying and dancing all at the same time, when my doorbell rang. And I go to the door and it's Dave. And I don't know what to say to him. Or why he's here.
I have spent the entire day having the shittiest day of work, possibly ever. Everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. And spectacularly so. And then I hung out with Amy and we just talked and she told me why she thought I needed to cut Dave out of my life. For both of our sakes. And I agreed with her mostly. The one thing I always get stuck on when it comes to cutting him out of my life is that I would want (as Dave) a say in it. I would want to be able to choose whether or not I got cut out. I have so rarely had that choice, and I always, always hated not having a choice.
I figured him being here was a good a time as any to try and explain this. I told him I loved him, which I do, and that I couldn't keep being selfish and keeping him loving me and not giving anything back. I told him I feel like I am using him for his love, using him to make myself feel loved and I had to be a better person than that. I told him that I couldn't be that selfish, that I had to let him go even if I wanted to keep him and wanted him to stay and wanted him to keep loving me and fighting for me because it wasn't the right thing to do.
And he says what if he wants to? What if he wants to keep fighting, keep holding on, keep loving me even if my intentions aren't pure for wanting him to do so? He says what if this is the only chance to fight that he gets and he just gives up?
He says a lot of things. We talk a lot. A LOT, about everything to do with this situation. And I start to think maybe, MAYBE after some time, after I figure out my head space with James, we might have a shot. Until I ask him whether he is back on POF and he says yes.
And then I remember all of the issues that we had/have. The trust. The lack of understanding the things that were important to me. The telling me he understands and then the next day or the next time the same thing happens. And it was mostly about this...
How can you say you love someone, how can you say you'll eat me up you love me so, how can you say you're fighting and you're here and you love me more than anything else and be on that site?
How can you believe that this is the right relationship and be on a dating site where your profile says you're looking for dating? How can your interests be: concerts randomness sushi British comedy singing inappropriately documentaries
gin and tonic literacy getting lost
Canucks bandwagonery sarcasm kittens
bikes used bookstores 30 Rock
accents showers headphones
useless knowledge makeouts believing six impossible things before breakfast"
things that we did or talked about or believed in? How can your profile be a copy paste from what it was when we met? How can you use pictures that we took together as your profile pictures on there and tell me that you love me?
And I get it. I get the wanting a distraction, I get the wanting something to help you let go, I get the wanting to have something so that when you NEED to call me, you don't have to. I do. I completely do. What I don't get is why you came over, saying you loved me and you were going to fight (despite my reluctance to let you) WHILE BEING ON A DATING SITE.
And not just any dating site.
And even writing this, even in my "righteous" anger, I feel like an idiot for so many reasons. Firstly, that I am even angry at you for this. I fucked up. I broke up with you, I don't really have the right. You don't owe me anything. Secondly, that I trusted that this wouldn't happen again. Thirdly... for believing that it didn't mean anything.
And yet... even saying that you don't owe me anything, I think "but..." because you can't fight for me when you have a backup. You can't fight for me if you don't believe in this, in us, in the love that you have with the same conviction that I did when I was fighting for you. You can't fight for me, while you are still not understanding why this matters. You just... can't.
The song matters. Sometimes it doesn't, sometimes the "Music" that I post with my entry doesn't matter. Tonight it matters. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1Xr-JFLxik&feature=fvst