(no subject)
Today was pretty much a decent day. I didn't get to go to my appt. About the apartment which made me a little upset but made another appt for next week. She said it was no biggie. Things happen. Which is true.
I realized that my depression is getting a little worse. I noticed today that little things make me wanna cry. Like my mom's birthday is Sunday and I was trying to get the whole family to go to church and I called my sister in PA and asked her if she could maybe go to our church this Sunday and she didn't say it mean but was like OH no. I am not going to miss my church to go to yours. It seemed to me that it hurt my feelings even though it really shouldn't have. I dunno what the deal is. Then at church today I found out there wasn't enough room for me to stay and I was actually cool with that. Then later I was like kind of bummed. I mean it isn't just me that can't stay but the pastor wife also. I was lasted to pay so I didn't want you guys to think how rude or something. It is ok. It happens.
I mea I don't want to sound like a bitch or anything but I think I am starting to take things wrong. Like the littlest thing can set me off and I can turn something into an issue. I don't get it and I don't like it. For example it is not true but it seems like I am making everyone against me. Which I know that isn't how it is. Does that make sense? I hope this will go away soon because I don't like it at all.
I am going to confess something too. Which is something that I would NEVER do but I think I should let it out. I have been thinking about overdosing and stuff. I WILL NOT DO IT I swear but the thought has been there. It is like what an old friend use to say; If you were going to kill yourself you would do it and not talk about it. I mean I am not doing it for attention or whatever but I thought maybe it would help if I wrote about it. See I am crazy. I am a nut case.
Well maybe you all already knew that though. Maybe it is a good thing about me. (I am a nut) Not the other stuff I listed. Who knows.
My sleeping patterns very. Sometimes I will have a good night, go to bed early; only wake up once or twice and be up during the day. (around 8ish) But others I can't sleep at all and I sleep through the day. That is what ticks me off. I hate that because I am trying to also start a new routine. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
I noticed my dreams have been abit strange. Last night was about a radio station. I went to one and was talking to one of the DJs and we were just BSing and he asked me if I wanted to go to the adult drink room. I said ok and it had like a pop machine filled with beer and wine coolers and stuff. It was strange. I was like now I know why you like to work here. AND he was like yeah the boss man really knows how to let us adults handle stress. It was crazy because in my dream I had like an apple cider wine cooler and I could actually taste it. I was like ohhhhh this is sooooooooooo good. THen I woke up. I didn't know the radio station or who the DJ was. All I know is it had like a mix of everthing music.. Like polka, rap, country classical, classic rock. Everything. NUTS.
In a couple of weeks my church is having the hay ride. WHICH I am allllllllllllllllllllllll excited. I love them. I am so going to get Jake. I told him not to be shocked if he gets wet by a super soaker. He told me not to be shocked if I end up in a puddle. I laughed. Last year he got me soooo good with hay. I told him that like it says in the bible revengance is mine. He was like we will see about that. THen Eddie said that he was going to dump me in poop. I told him he was gross and don't forget I am his daughters teacher. He whistled a different tune. THen I left. Well I am going to go play nintendo. I will talk to you carpetbeggers later. Peace in the MIDDLE EAST!
Then fdd
I realized that my depression is getting a little worse. I noticed today that little things make me wanna cry. Like my mom's birthday is Sunday and I was trying to get the whole family to go to church and I called my sister in PA and asked her if she could maybe go to our church this Sunday and she didn't say it mean but was like OH no. I am not going to miss my church to go to yours. It seemed to me that it hurt my feelings even though it really shouldn't have. I dunno what the deal is. Then at church today I found out there wasn't enough room for me to stay and I was actually cool with that. Then later I was like kind of bummed. I mean it isn't just me that can't stay but the pastor wife also. I was lasted to pay so I didn't want you guys to think how rude or something. It is ok. It happens.
I mea I don't want to sound like a bitch or anything but I think I am starting to take things wrong. Like the littlest thing can set me off and I can turn something into an issue. I don't get it and I don't like it. For example it is not true but it seems like I am making everyone against me. Which I know that isn't how it is. Does that make sense? I hope this will go away soon because I don't like it at all.
I am going to confess something too. Which is something that I would NEVER do but I think I should let it out. I have been thinking about overdosing and stuff. I WILL NOT DO IT I swear but the thought has been there. It is like what an old friend use to say; If you were going to kill yourself you would do it and not talk about it. I mean I am not doing it for attention or whatever but I thought maybe it would help if I wrote about it. See I am crazy. I am a nut case.
Well maybe you all already knew that though. Maybe it is a good thing about me. (I am a nut) Not the other stuff I listed. Who knows.
My sleeping patterns very. Sometimes I will have a good night, go to bed early; only wake up once or twice and be up during the day. (around 8ish) But others I can't sleep at all and I sleep through the day. That is what ticks me off. I hate that because I am trying to also start a new routine. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
I noticed my dreams have been abit strange. Last night was about a radio station. I went to one and was talking to one of the DJs and we were just BSing and he asked me if I wanted to go to the adult drink room. I said ok and it had like a pop machine filled with beer and wine coolers and stuff. It was strange. I was like now I know why you like to work here. AND he was like yeah the boss man really knows how to let us adults handle stress. It was crazy because in my dream I had like an apple cider wine cooler and I could actually taste it. I was like ohhhhh this is sooooooooooo good. THen I woke up. I didn't know the radio station or who the DJ was. All I know is it had like a mix of everthing music.. Like polka, rap, country classical, classic rock. Everything. NUTS.
In a couple of weeks my church is having the hay ride. WHICH I am allllllllllllllllllllllll excited. I love them. I am so going to get Jake. I told him not to be shocked if he gets wet by a super soaker. He told me not to be shocked if I end up in a puddle. I laughed. Last year he got me soooo good with hay. I told him that like it says in the bible revengance is mine. He was like we will see about that. THen Eddie said that he was going to dump me in poop. I told him he was gross and don't forget I am his daughters teacher. He whistled a different tune. THen I left. Well I am going to go play nintendo. I will talk to you carpetbeggers later. Peace in the MIDDLE EAST!
Then fdd