I Think You Think You're Someone Else
(ewww, I just killed a spider. I killed him quickly, he didn't suffer)
I have a great defense mechanism. I am perfectly capable of retreating into my own head and I can stay there as long as I like. One day I might just never come back.
I did E for the very first time Friday July 6, 2001. I always said that E was the one drug I would never ever do. Hell, I'd probably try herion but not E. Not much is known about E and my paranoid mind was convinced one try could and most likey would send me into a depressed state for the rest of my life and since I thought I was already pretty screwed in the head, why screw my head up even more? Conclusion? E bad, never try E, I won't ever try E.
But you already know that I did. Believe me though, I fought. Witness this conversation:
Jenny: "Andrew is getting some E tonight. We can do it with him or we can just hang out here and do whatever. It's up to you"
Me: "Ok, sure" (wimp...)
(If it means anything I'm well aware of how self-destructive I am)
So Andrew came to get us and we went to some resturant to go get the e. Jenny paid for me and we swallowed one pill each in the car and then went to go get ciggerettes because according to Jenn they are fun to smoke while rolling and they help the effects of e. Note, ciggerettes are absoulutly heaven to smoke while on e. We went back to Andrews for a few minutes though mostly I remember the three of us sitting on the sidewalk in a line giving each other backrubs with me receiveing and not giveing one.
Then we went back to Jenns house because we had just told them we were getting dinner and we feared they might miss us. Or get worried about us. Jenny kept telling me to look at the headlights because they were neat but I had other things on my mind. Namely my feet, which really are neat, the bass in Andrews car and my wonderful view of the stars. I was laying down in the backseat enjoying the bass and the stars and streetlamps that I could see out the window.
And I was so in love with Jenn. In a way that can't simply ever be natural. Natural love would never ever be that pure, that sweet, that innocent, that undemanding. My ripe with joy heart was rivited to the person sitting in the front passenger seat. Normally I would die for Jenny but my love for her is always tainted. Not at that moment. God I was so pure, she was pure, Andrew was pure and I wanted to shrink myself and go climb in Jenny's pocket just to be near her forever. To hear, feel her heartbeat. Every pain, every hurt I had ever felt in my life was at that moment abolished from my mind, wiped clean, I had never been hurt, had never wanted to die, had never wanted to stop eating till I could be blown away on the wind, had never felt so much anger that I took a knife to my own flesh. That simply had never been me. I was something else, pure untainted and filled only with love. (Can you see why people do this drug?)
I have a great defense mechanism. I am perfectly capable of retreating into my own head and I can stay there as long as I like. One day I might just never come back.
I did E for the very first time Friday July 6, 2001. I always said that E was the one drug I would never ever do. Hell, I'd probably try herion but not E. Not much is known about E and my paranoid mind was convinced one try could and most likey would send me into a depressed state for the rest of my life and since I thought I was already pretty screwed in the head, why screw my head up even more? Conclusion? E bad, never try E, I won't ever try E.
But you already know that I did. Believe me though, I fought. Witness this conversation:
Jenny: "Andrew is getting some E tonight. We can do it with him or we can just hang out here and do whatever. It's up to you"
Me: "Ok, sure" (wimp...)
(If it means anything I'm well aware of how self-destructive I am)
So Andrew came to get us and we went to some resturant to go get the e. Jenny paid for me and we swallowed one pill each in the car and then went to go get ciggerettes because according to Jenn they are fun to smoke while rolling and they help the effects of e. Note, ciggerettes are absoulutly heaven to smoke while on e. We went back to Andrews for a few minutes though mostly I remember the three of us sitting on the sidewalk in a line giving each other backrubs with me receiveing and not giveing one.
Then we went back to Jenns house because we had just told them we were getting dinner and we feared they might miss us. Or get worried about us. Jenny kept telling me to look at the headlights because they were neat but I had other things on my mind. Namely my feet, which really are neat, the bass in Andrews car and my wonderful view of the stars. I was laying down in the backseat enjoying the bass and the stars and streetlamps that I could see out the window.
And I was so in love with Jenn. In a way that can't simply ever be natural. Natural love would never ever be that pure, that sweet, that innocent, that undemanding. My ripe with joy heart was rivited to the person sitting in the front passenger seat. Normally I would die for Jenny but my love for her is always tainted. Not at that moment. God I was so pure, she was pure, Andrew was pure and I wanted to shrink myself and go climb in Jenny's pocket just to be near her forever. To hear, feel her heartbeat. Every pain, every hurt I had ever felt in my life was at that moment abolished from my mind, wiped clean, I had never been hurt, had never wanted to die, had never wanted to stop eating till I could be blown away on the wind, had never felt so much anger that I took a knife to my own flesh. That simply had never been me. I was something else, pure untainted and filled only with love. (Can you see why people do this drug?)