Update
There has been a lot going on, some good, some bad. I suffered through thanksgiving at my mother's...I should have just stayed home. I get to suffer through being there all over again for xmas. I don't even like the damn holiday, but I keep finding myself participating in activities that deal with it. The only holiday crap I care about getting into is watching the grinch and maybe seeing trans-siberian orchestra.
I was busy for a good bit of last month, which was nice. After the store closed down, I had two shows to light. The pageant was ok...dull as hell, but still ok. The other show was a musical. I had one day to try to pull together a lighting design. It was the first time I had to light a musical by myself, which made things stressful as hell. Jason ended up helping me with it...I don't think the show would have been lit if he hadn't been there to help me design and try to keep me calm. By the last show, I was fine...multitasking, filling in as stage manager, running lights.
After the business of the shows, I was able to get out a few times to hit a couple of concerts. They were much needed nights out that let me catch up with an old friend. There was even a new experience...I'd like to go back to Saturday to fix that one. I enjoyed it, but really think my awkwardness screwed it up, thus leading to disappointment.
Now that the shows are over and there really isn't going to be anything going on for a while, I'm stuck with myself again. I've had so many thoughts racing through my head. Still no jobs. I don't know what's going on with Jason since he hardly tells me when something is going on with him. I just know he tends to favor spending time at Jamie's. I'm watching the money from the shows slip away, knowing I have to come up with money for my asthma med in a couple of weeks, and not knowing when we'll have more. I've been looking, but have had no luck. I wish I could say the same for Jason, but I don't think he's even been trying.
I got to see my therapist for the first time in a few weeks today. That hour seemed to go by entirely too quickly. I didn't realize how badly I needed that time to talk. Unfortunately, it broke the state of semi numbness that I had been working on for a while. I'm back to thinking too much. He brought up disability and meds again. Its been a little while since he had talked about either of them. I was debating them before, but stopped when I started working and started slipping back to being ok, despite the enormous amount of stress I was under. I don't know what to do. The only reason I'd even consider disability is for the money, not because I can't work. Yes, I have my issues. Yes, those issues can tear me apart, make me non-functioning, cause me to hurt myself, make me want to destroy things, make me angry for no reason...but, I can still work. Since we're going broke again, we need money coming in. Going on disability would bring in some amount of cash...once the state stops dragging its feet (this state is one of the worst with dealing with that kind of stuff). As far as the meds go, I don't want to be on meds. I've tried two and they did bad things to me. I don't want to have to go through that roulette game of one med after another, of side effect after side effect. When you add dosing issues due to my low weight, and my fear of meds in general, its just easier for me not to bother with chemical support for my mental dysfunctions.
I know I'm rambling, but I need to get it out. Keeping everything to myself when I'm thinking too much can be a dangerous thing.
I was busy for a good bit of last month, which was nice. After the store closed down, I had two shows to light. The pageant was ok...dull as hell, but still ok. The other show was a musical. I had one day to try to pull together a lighting design. It was the first time I had to light a musical by myself, which made things stressful as hell. Jason ended up helping me with it...I don't think the show would have been lit if he hadn't been there to help me design and try to keep me calm. By the last show, I was fine...multitasking, filling in as stage manager, running lights.
After the business of the shows, I was able to get out a few times to hit a couple of concerts. They were much needed nights out that let me catch up with an old friend. There was even a new experience...I'd like to go back to Saturday to fix that one. I enjoyed it, but really think my awkwardness screwed it up, thus leading to disappointment.
Now that the shows are over and there really isn't going to be anything going on for a while, I'm stuck with myself again. I've had so many thoughts racing through my head. Still no jobs. I don't know what's going on with Jason since he hardly tells me when something is going on with him. I just know he tends to favor spending time at Jamie's. I'm watching the money from the shows slip away, knowing I have to come up with money for my asthma med in a couple of weeks, and not knowing when we'll have more. I've been looking, but have had no luck. I wish I could say the same for Jason, but I don't think he's even been trying.
I got to see my therapist for the first time in a few weeks today. That hour seemed to go by entirely too quickly. I didn't realize how badly I needed that time to talk. Unfortunately, it broke the state of semi numbness that I had been working on for a while. I'm back to thinking too much. He brought up disability and meds again. Its been a little while since he had talked about either of them. I was debating them before, but stopped when I started working and started slipping back to being ok, despite the enormous amount of stress I was under. I don't know what to do. The only reason I'd even consider disability is for the money, not because I can't work. Yes, I have my issues. Yes, those issues can tear me apart, make me non-functioning, cause me to hurt myself, make me want to destroy things, make me angry for no reason...but, I can still work. Since we're going broke again, we need money coming in. Going on disability would bring in some amount of cash...once the state stops dragging its feet (this state is one of the worst with dealing with that kind of stuff). As far as the meds go, I don't want to be on meds. I've tried two and they did bad things to me. I don't want to have to go through that roulette game of one med after another, of side effect after side effect. When you add dosing issues due to my low weight, and my fear of meds in general, its just easier for me not to bother with chemical support for my mental dysfunctions.
I know I'm rambling, but I need to get it out. Keeping everything to myself when I'm thinking too much can be a dangerous thing.