(no subject)
Yes, I'm whining yet again. There's too much shit going on. I'd make these entries private, but it would do me no good. I need to at least feel like I'm telling someone. Most of the time, this is as close as I can get to talking to anyone since I don't have many people I can turn to anymore. It makes me feel just a tiny bit less alone in all this...alone is the very last thing I need to feel right now...feeling alone for too long usually causes me to either do bad things to myself or want to do bad things to myself or cause me to want to destroy every solid object around me. I do appreciate the support I have gotten from those of you who have tried to help, or at least offer comfort.
I'll at least try to start putting this stuff behind a cut for those of you who don't need any more of my shit.
Things are still pretty much the same as usual. Jason has started putting in a few applications online, but we're yet to hear anything. He did have a possible lead from a friend about a place that may be hiring, but wasn't able to get any information due to him becoming really sick the day he was supposed to find out. I've spent the past few days taking care of him. I'm glad he finally seems to be on the mend...I don't remember ever seeing him feel so bad.
I still can't stop thinking about everything. We're almost broke. I've been out of my asthma med for almost two weeks because we can't afford to get it refilled. Thankfully, I haven't had much trouble, with the exception of a fairly rough attack maybe a week ago. The only two ways I can see us affording it is from a tax refund, but we won't be able to file until he gets in his info from one other job, or borrow it from my brother when he gets in his financial aid from school sometime next month. I've already contacted my doctor to see if I can get a sample pack, but they were out and put me on a waiting list, but who knows when they'll get any more in.
I've been putting off calling about trying to beg my way back into school. I want to finish the GED program, but I question if I have the concentration to do it and I'm worried about getting to and from the school. I also got the contact information for an advocate who can help me try to get on disability. I really should call and at least find out what all I need to know about the application process. I'm still worried about how I could possibly end up seeing myself for getting paid to have issues (I know it isn't quite as simple as that, and I also realize I'm fretting over something that isn't even real). I'm worried about getting to and from possible meetings.
I've been having strong urges to go after myself again. I'm yet to act on any of them (I'm sitting at about 8 months of not doing anything to myself), but I still find myself wondering what the point is...why I should bother fighting them right now. I spent most of this morning with random urges flashing through my mind.
Despite all this, I've somehow managed to fall into this really strange mindset. On one level, I'm being semi productive...cleaning, reading, finally reclaiming our closet (his mother is a first class packrat, buying anything and everything that is on sale, thus creating a stockpile of things she doesn't need and will never use. We never had access to our closet because she decided to fill it up with her spillover clothes and shoes that won't fit into her overflowing room). On another level, I feel like I'm still falling apart. Fear, confusion, anger, frustration, desperation, and longing fill my mind almost constantly. I'm trying to figure out what to do about everything from money, to friends (the few I have left), to my marriage, to...well...everything.
I can't seem to stop kicking myself about school. I was ok with it, for the most part. I was still planning on calling the school, but was putting it off. My little brother started college classes on the 12th. I find myself comparing the two of us and becoming confused. Why the fuck is my little brother, who is 8 years younger than me...the one who fucking ran away to Florida last summer...who is less intelligent than me (stating a fact, not trying to insult him because he is intelligent) doing something I should have done long ago? What is so wrong with me that I can't even get a damn GED?!
I don't get it...
I've had to fight like hell for everything. I've had to ignore myself in almost every way to make sure others have what they need. I've pushed myself too hard and held myself up to ridiculously high standards almost all my life to help others, to make people happy, to just get by, but very little seems to come out of it. Its not fucking fair! I see people I'm smarter than, kinder than, better than getting a free ride when they've done nothing for anyone or had a real thought in their empty little heads.
I know this ranting is pointless and is only making me more overwhelmed. *shakes head* Why aren't things better by now?
As I sit here typing this, watching Jason try to sleep, trying to distract myself from the hell that is raging inside my head, I feel my defenses breaking down. Jason has always told me to wake him up if I get bad when he's sleeping, but I don't dare wake him now. He's hardly slept all week because of the cold/flu bug he's getting over. The person I've been leaning on the most this past year should also be sleeping since he worked last night. That leaves me alone with a computer. I want my blades. They're so close by, in two places right now. All I would have to do is grab the easiest to grab pack and close myself in the bathroom for a little while. I can feel the numbness setting in. Even going out to smoke in the bitter cold (its still in the low 20s right now) doesn't distract me. Part of me says to call Frank, but he's more than likely at his other job, so he probably doesn't have time for me right now. I should have another appointment with him in a few days, so it can wait. I try to make it a point not to call him unless its an emergency. I don't consider this as such. Then again, I'm not sure what I could consider fitting criteria to bother him. (Yes, I know its his job to help me, and I know he does care, but how dare I call anyone when I know they're working to ask them to take any time for me?)
Red dreams......cut and bleed......leave another scar
Numbness washing over me, slowing my thoughts to a crawl. I need to bleed to feel real. I need to bleed to not feel this hell raging inside me. I need to bleed to make my thoughts run properly...not oozing through my mind like a black sludge...not racing so quickly I can't even begin to pick even one out of the chaos. Maybe I'll do it. Maybe I won't. I don't care right now. I need a hug, to be held in a warm embrace and told things will be ok, to be convinced of it. What I shock, I'm deprived of that yet again.
Red dreams
The sweet release
The deep red trickle that reminds me I'm here, that all this isn't a horrible dream.
I'll at least try to start putting this stuff behind a cut for those of you who don't need any more of my shit.
Things are still pretty much the same as usual. Jason has started putting in a few applications online, but we're yet to hear anything. He did have a possible lead from a friend about a place that may be hiring, but wasn't able to get any information due to him becoming really sick the day he was supposed to find out. I've spent the past few days taking care of him. I'm glad he finally seems to be on the mend...I don't remember ever seeing him feel so bad.
I still can't stop thinking about everything. We're almost broke. I've been out of my asthma med for almost two weeks because we can't afford to get it refilled. Thankfully, I haven't had much trouble, with the exception of a fairly rough attack maybe a week ago. The only two ways I can see us affording it is from a tax refund, but we won't be able to file until he gets in his info from one other job, or borrow it from my brother when he gets in his financial aid from school sometime next month. I've already contacted my doctor to see if I can get a sample pack, but they were out and put me on a waiting list, but who knows when they'll get any more in.
I've been putting off calling about trying to beg my way back into school. I want to finish the GED program, but I question if I have the concentration to do it and I'm worried about getting to and from the school. I also got the contact information for an advocate who can help me try to get on disability. I really should call and at least find out what all I need to know about the application process. I'm still worried about how I could possibly end up seeing myself for getting paid to have issues (I know it isn't quite as simple as that, and I also realize I'm fretting over something that isn't even real). I'm worried about getting to and from possible meetings.
I've been having strong urges to go after myself again. I'm yet to act on any of them (I'm sitting at about 8 months of not doing anything to myself), but I still find myself wondering what the point is...why I should bother fighting them right now. I spent most of this morning with random urges flashing through my mind.
Despite all this, I've somehow managed to fall into this really strange mindset. On one level, I'm being semi productive...cleaning, reading, finally reclaiming our closet (his mother is a first class packrat, buying anything and everything that is on sale, thus creating a stockpile of things she doesn't need and will never use. We never had access to our closet because she decided to fill it up with her spillover clothes and shoes that won't fit into her overflowing room). On another level, I feel like I'm still falling apart. Fear, confusion, anger, frustration, desperation, and longing fill my mind almost constantly. I'm trying to figure out what to do about everything from money, to friends (the few I have left), to my marriage, to...well...everything.
I can't seem to stop kicking myself about school. I was ok with it, for the most part. I was still planning on calling the school, but was putting it off. My little brother started college classes on the 12th. I find myself comparing the two of us and becoming confused. Why the fuck is my little brother, who is 8 years younger than me...the one who fucking ran away to Florida last summer...who is less intelligent than me (stating a fact, not trying to insult him because he is intelligent) doing something I should have done long ago? What is so wrong with me that I can't even get a damn GED?!
I don't get it...
I've had to fight like hell for everything. I've had to ignore myself in almost every way to make sure others have what they need. I've pushed myself too hard and held myself up to ridiculously high standards almost all my life to help others, to make people happy, to just get by, but very little seems to come out of it. Its not fucking fair! I see people I'm smarter than, kinder than, better than getting a free ride when they've done nothing for anyone or had a real thought in their empty little heads.
I know this ranting is pointless and is only making me more overwhelmed. *shakes head* Why aren't things better by now?
As I sit here typing this, watching Jason try to sleep, trying to distract myself from the hell that is raging inside my head, I feel my defenses breaking down. Jason has always told me to wake him up if I get bad when he's sleeping, but I don't dare wake him now. He's hardly slept all week because of the cold/flu bug he's getting over. The person I've been leaning on the most this past year should also be sleeping since he worked last night. That leaves me alone with a computer. I want my blades. They're so close by, in two places right now. All I would have to do is grab the easiest to grab pack and close myself in the bathroom for a little while. I can feel the numbness setting in. Even going out to smoke in the bitter cold (its still in the low 20s right now) doesn't distract me. Part of me says to call Frank, but he's more than likely at his other job, so he probably doesn't have time for me right now. I should have another appointment with him in a few days, so it can wait. I try to make it a point not to call him unless its an emergency. I don't consider this as such. Then again, I'm not sure what I could consider fitting criteria to bother him. (Yes, I know its his job to help me, and I know he does care, but how dare I call anyone when I know they're working to ask them to take any time for me?)
Red dreams......cut and bleed......leave another scar
Numbness washing over me, slowing my thoughts to a crawl. I need to bleed to feel real. I need to bleed to not feel this hell raging inside me. I need to bleed to make my thoughts run properly...not oozing through my mind like a black sludge...not racing so quickly I can't even begin to pick even one out of the chaos. Maybe I'll do it. Maybe I won't. I don't care right now. I need a hug, to be held in a warm embrace and told things will be ok, to be convinced of it. What I shock, I'm deprived of that yet again.
Red dreams
The sweet release
The deep red trickle that reminds me I'm here, that all this isn't a horrible dream.