(no subject)
I figured it was about time for a bit of an update.
Not much has changed. We're still very, very broke, but owe the bank even more money. Still no job prospects thus far. I've been looking, and putting in applications online, but its yet to pay off.
I think I'm somewhat better mentally, which, I suppose, is better than nothing, I'm still taking vitamins, mostly out of desperation, but it seems to be helping a bit.
I'm so frustrated over almost everything. I still feel friends slipping away despite my efforts to keep contact. I'm getting back to where I used to be, afraid of getting too close to anyone because it could mean losing them. I know, in reality, we all gain and lose people constantly, that its unavoidable. That doesn't matter. It still tears me up to lose anyone.
I'm teetering on the edge of giving up with school. I've taken one official test thus far and have another coming up. I still have pre tests to take and I need to retake the placement test because I've been working on this stuff for so long. My motivation is slipping and I don't know what to do. I want to finish school. Its still important to me, but I can only look at the class material so many times before I can't stand it anymore.
I'm still worried about everything. We've hit the point of being so broke we can't afford to buy the things Lucien needs. Just the guilt from that feels immense. We're going to have to try to borrow money from someone so the little fuzzball will have what he needs. Maybe Jason's mom will have a bit to spare...I'm just glad chinchillas aren't that expensive to take care of.
I was better last weekend. Bill finally came back from Japan...that alone made me feel better. A group of us got together last Friday for a cookout as a welcome back for him. It was a little awkward hanging out and sleeping in a strange person's house, but it was still good. The next day, we all went over to Jamie's so everyone else we hang out with could see Bill. It was nice being over there and not feeling out of place. Its not like I did much, just hung out by the pool, laughing at Jason and the rest of the guys goofing around in the pool, a soak in the hot tub did wonders for my constantly stress-induced achy muscles, and talked to Bill for a couple of hours. It was a good weekend.
I already miss that feeling, that feeling of still being worried and concerned over everything, but not consumed by it. Feeling like I belonged with the people I was with. I know no feeling lasts forever, but I can't help but try to cling to those feelings when I've spent so much time feeling so bad.
I'm hoping this week will be a step in the right direction. I talked to Jason for a bit about our situation, trying to stress how important it is for us to find work...maybe it will make a difference. Maybe some job hunting, work on school/tests more, hopefully see a friend or two.