The Insight of My Mind (Part 1)
What if your morals turned and left you? What if what you once beleived in meant nothing to you anymore? I have never believed in violance, but i have never lost someone so close to me before either. Her death was so tragic and it's hard to even think about her that way, I think I would rather use future tense. Her death WILL BE so tragic. Yes, that sounds so much better, too bad it's all my imagination.
People thought that I was getting better and I think I was. I was laughing again and smiling. I had moved on from a past relationship, or so it felt, and I had broke through my anti-social barrier that I had built up so strong. I made a couple of new friends that I will love and treasure forever, Amanda T and Brandon S for example, great friends they are.
Immediately after her death, upon finding out how she died, there was only one thing that could cheer me up along with many people. We were seeking revenge. Although we had no name, we wanted revenge on the person who did it to her. The nightmares stopped and I was finally able to move on but then it came. I realized that I was driven on the thought of revenge. I became a new Don, a vengeful one. I wanted to turtore this person till they bleed, let them bleed until they were destroyed, let them suffer until they died. I wanted revenge.
Last night it hit. I am not okay, I cannot say when I will be. A life for a life is not right and it won't cure me but still in the depths of my mind, I want that revenge. I cannot have it and I know it's not fair to my own mental health to pray upon that revenge. I am damaged. Not sure when or if it will get better. I cried for a good hour, part of it laying in the grass just outside of my house; I just couldn't get up, part of it on the lap of my mother. I am damage and it feels that it's not going to get better.
I don't know if i want the revenge anymore. I don't know why she had to go. I don't know why I just can't accept the fact that she's gone. There are many things I want to know and no one can give me the answers but at the same time I don't want to hear "It will be okay" or "She wouldn't want to see you like this", those aren't what I need to hear right now.
Recently the nightmares have returned. I cannot sleep becuase I have the most vivid dreams. I can see her, hear her, feel her, smell her, just overall sense her and I can no longer sleep.
One song lyric has been playing in my head recently, over and over. "When you're left with only a bullet, I'll be the one to bring the trigger and the promise to pull it", and that is how it feels. That I am on my last string, only one bullet left but who is there to pull the trigger for me?
I want to get better and I know that I will. Just not yet, just sometimes I need a little lie so I can smile.
Her death WILL BE tragic.
Rest In Peace Emily-Jane MacPhail Feb 24 2009
People thought that I was getting better and I think I was. I was laughing again and smiling. I had moved on from a past relationship, or so it felt, and I had broke through my anti-social barrier that I had built up so strong. I made a couple of new friends that I will love and treasure forever, Amanda T and Brandon S for example, great friends they are.
Immediately after her death, upon finding out how she died, there was only one thing that could cheer me up along with many people. We were seeking revenge. Although we had no name, we wanted revenge on the person who did it to her. The nightmares stopped and I was finally able to move on but then it came. I realized that I was driven on the thought of revenge. I became a new Don, a vengeful one. I wanted to turtore this person till they bleed, let them bleed until they were destroyed, let them suffer until they died. I wanted revenge.
Last night it hit. I am not okay, I cannot say when I will be. A life for a life is not right and it won't cure me but still in the depths of my mind, I want that revenge. I cannot have it and I know it's not fair to my own mental health to pray upon that revenge. I am damaged. Not sure when or if it will get better. I cried for a good hour, part of it laying in the grass just outside of my house; I just couldn't get up, part of it on the lap of my mother. I am damage and it feels that it's not going to get better.
I don't know if i want the revenge anymore. I don't know why she had to go. I don't know why I just can't accept the fact that she's gone. There are many things I want to know and no one can give me the answers but at the same time I don't want to hear "It will be okay" or "She wouldn't want to see you like this", those aren't what I need to hear right now.
Recently the nightmares have returned. I cannot sleep becuase I have the most vivid dreams. I can see her, hear her, feel her, smell her, just overall sense her and I can no longer sleep.
One song lyric has been playing in my head recently, over and over. "When you're left with only a bullet, I'll be the one to bring the trigger and the promise to pull it", and that is how it feels. That I am on my last string, only one bullet left but who is there to pull the trigger for me?
I want to get better and I know that I will. Just not yet, just sometimes I need a little lie so I can smile.
Her death WILL BE tragic.
Rest In Peace Emily-Jane MacPhail Feb 24 2009