Torment on my soul
The more and more I fall back into my religion; which hasbeen happening more and more over the past year, I find myself digusted with myself. I see myself as a walking sin and I wish that I didn't. Everything becomes complicated and I find myself praying for forgiveness. In the old days, I had no respect for my religion, I saw myself as a deist, but lately those veiws have changed.
I seem to have start worrying about the afterlife. What will it bring? I have even started to wish that there is no afterlife, that all existance will just end, that you will not feel, have to concept of time, that all will just be black. I find it a more comforting thought then enternal damnation. I have been told not to worry about this, that God made me this way and that he will not pass judgement on me, although I do not believe this. I have also been told, go straight and we can love each other for ever, and again, i don't think that's a possibility. I love that my friends will connect to my thoughts and comfort me from this thought, but right now, more then anything, I don't want to see replies to this, I just want to think that it's been read and considered.
Can i be religious enough to save my soul? Could I ever cross the door frame of a church to beg for forgiveness? Or will i just be cast would into the shadows like so many before me? Answer that I will never know until it's to late.
I seem to have start worrying about the afterlife. What will it bring? I have even started to wish that there is no afterlife, that all existance will just end, that you will not feel, have to concept of time, that all will just be black. I find it a more comforting thought then enternal damnation. I have been told not to worry about this, that God made me this way and that he will not pass judgement on me, although I do not believe this. I have also been told, go straight and we can love each other for ever, and again, i don't think that's a possibility. I love that my friends will connect to my thoughts and comfort me from this thought, but right now, more then anything, I don't want to see replies to this, I just want to think that it's been read and considered.
Can i be religious enough to save my soul? Could I ever cross the door frame of a church to beg for forgiveness? Or will i just be cast would into the shadows like so many before me? Answer that I will never know until it's to late.