okay, okay. here goes nothing...
hola everyone out there....so i've got quite the update. its on just about everything that's happened to me since zuriel and i got back together. here it is....
zuriel and i got back together in november. things were going great and i really felt like that time it was perfect and it was exactly what i wanted it to be. but for some reason, it all started going to hell. he started acting strange with me, then he was more distant, then he was being too controlling, then he decided that he didn't want me to hang out with my friends or text them or talk to them on the phone. he even told me that the only way i was allowed to talk to any of them was if i actually saw them at work. it started bumming me out. i told him that he was acting weird and i didn't like it and i didn't know if i did something wrong and he said nothing was wrong. so i decided that maybe he was just being crazy and didn't have feelings for me anymore. i started hanging out with monica from work. monica was nice and sweet and awesome. she kept me company when i didn't have any and she was always there for me. he got jealous of her because she is a lesbian. and i guess it was pretty obvious that she had a crush on me. but i didn't think anything of it, cause i was with him and i wanted us to be happy. well, things started getting worse and worse and worse until finally, like a week after christmas, i told him i couldn't do it anymore. it was too much to handle. and he told me nothing was wrong and that he had every right to be that way since i had broken up with him. i just didn't want to have a relationship like that, so unfortunately i broke up with him. i say unfortunately for a variety of reasons. i really did want things to work out between me and him. i really did care for him a lot, and i didn't want to hurt him at all. which i knew that if i broke up with him again then i would hurt him. but he was hurting me at the same time. so i did it. it hurt me to do it and i was even unsure if i made the right decision, but i couldn't go back this time. he wouldn't let it happen again. but all the while, i had been talking and hanging out with monica more and more which made me seriously start feeling like i liked her. i just felt this connection with her that i hadn't felt with a person since back in the day with dane. i felt alive, i felt free, i felt like i could have fun and do fun things. i mean, on her birthday party i got to go to clearwater with her friends. zuriel never let me go out with his friends and he always complained and if we ever went out it was always someplace that was familiar to both of us. she started opening me up to new places and cool things. i even got to go out drinking with her. she drove and didn't drink and let me drink. that was like a first time for real. it just started seeming more right for me when i was around her. i felt comfortable and at home and happy with her. we texted and got more close every day it felt like. then suddenly on new year's eve i had come over to her place after she got home from a party. she was drinking and it was so fun. she kept being close with me but didn't actually do anything except hold my hand which i found adorable because her hands were so sweaty and i could tell that she was extremely nervous with me. she had been reallly hinting at it that she liked me also. i stayed over that night and the next day when i was on my way home she kissed me. it was crazy and it was unexpected, and i liked it. after that i was confused. i didn't know what it was that i actually wanted. i wasn't sure if it was to be with her, or to experiment with her, or just ssomeone to keep me company because i was lonely. i knew that i felt something different with her than i normally do with other people, so that was in the back of my head. but the part that just got to me was the fact that she was a girla nd everyone i knew was making fun of me cause they knew she liked me. i just didn't know what was going through my head anymore. i wanted to be with her everyday. i wanted to hang out with her and i was constantly texting her. i just couldn't resist her. she was absolutely charming and sweet. she was unlike any other person i had ever met. so i started thinking what it would be like ot be with a girl. i was scared of vaginas. i didn't like them too much. i didn't know what people would think of me. i didn't want people to be thinking "oh i always knew she liked girls" or "damn i didn't know heather would be a lesbian one day" or something along those lines. because its not like that. its not like i look at all girls and like them all. its just like, monica is an exception for me. she's different than other girls and i don't judge her based on her gender. i felt like i liked her and what's going to stop that???? a person's sex? pssssh i know feelings when i have them and i definitely felt something with her. then i started thinking about kids. what would i do....i wanted kids. i have always wanted kids. but i want MY kids. i want kids with a person that i'm in love with. i want biological kids. how could i do that with a girl, if it gets to that point? it freaked me out to even think of that. then i got so scared just to tell my mom and family and friends, cause i didn't know what they were going to think or say about me. when it all came down to it, it was one day i was in pollo tropical talking to her and telling her i didn't think i could find a person better than zuriel for me. and she told me that she knew for a fact there are people out there who could treat me better than he could. it sounded so convincing. and then one night i was having a breakdown after i broke up with zuriel. i was beginning to regret my decision on breaking up with him and she texted me something that just, touched me so much. she said "i don't mean to sound arrogant because i'm not but i know that i can love you so much more and better than he ever did." and it worked. it just made me feel like, wow, i need this girl in my life. i'll be making the hugest mistake ever if i don't try this out. so when we decided we wanted to be a couple, it was exciting and new for me. i was with a girl. and i didn't know what to think. i felt like a rulebreaker. i felt like i was doing something illegal and it felt so great. i was scared for what the girls at work would think but i just didn't care. i didn't care what anyone thought. no one could hold my hand the same way she could. no one could make me feel the way she did. she just made me feel like i was cared for. she made me feel like i mattered and like she really loved me. its been like, a month and a half now. i'm living with her. i'm happier than ever. i know that i made the right decision. its like going on the road less traveled. most people would ignore their instincts just cause she's a girl but i decided to go with mine on this one. she's perfect. she has every quality i ever wanted in a person, but moreso, a guy. she likes everything i like, she's more into emotions, she's not rude, she has a sense of humor! she makes good money and is determined at work. she's going to get her bachelor's soon and OMG she wants to go to medical school and have a career. she has her own place and wanted to live with me. she has a nice car. she's got it all. and she's not the girliest girl but she is pretty darn feminine. she is pretty to me too. zuriel likes to be a douche and tell me that she's like a guy, because she doesn't look like the type of girl to work at hooters, but whatever. i like her and i like how she looks. she never ceases to amaze me. she treats me better than i always imagined being treated. she makes me feel like a million bucks. maybe more. i know that there is a really high chance that she could be the right person for me. i feel that way already. i remember with zuriel it took me a long time to even realize that i liked him. with juan i wanted to feel like he was the one and i even said it a couple times, but i mean, it was just because he was nice to me. we didn't have this much in common. and i paid for everything for him. if we argued it was like he didn't even care. any time that i'm less than happy with monica, she is nothing but concerned. she cares so much. if i'm getting pissed off cause her ex came over and they're outside talking for hours, she comes in and sees me upset and immediately talks to me to work things out and apologizes. i love the way she treats me. for our one month, she bought me chocolates, flowers and a card. she buys me gifts randomly. she wants to be a part of my life and she wants to have a future to share with me. no one else has made me feel this way. no one else has cared for me the way she does. so screw anyone that says bad things about me being with a girl. screw anyone that says anything bad about same sex relationships. because if a person makes you happy it shouldn't matter what their gender is. if you and a person love each other then fuck what anyone else says. there's the love, and that's all that matters. i have really thought so much about this relationship and her and my feeelings. i know that what i feel is genuine love for her. i could never tell anyone i loved them the way i do with her. dane was the only one, and i was so young and i didn't know too much about the world but i loved him cause idk....i just did. but with her, i feel that same feeling. and its not just cause she's my first relationship. its cause this is real. i see her face and my heart melts.
that's the emotional part of the story. the exploration part is now. doing stuff with her. yes, i've done it to her. and obviously she has done it to me. not that bad. not as bad as one would believe. its different than male parts, and its weird at first, but i guess if you are curious enough or horny enough or emotionally involved enough, you just don't think of it as "ewww gross vagina" and you just wanna do whatever you can to please the other person. she figured it would be months before anything happened between me and her that involved me doing things to her. little did she know. it was like one of the first weeks lol. i was scared and nervous but very curious at the same time. i wanted to know what it would be like but i was weirded out also. when i saw that she really enjoyed what i was doing, the tension eased off and i didn't think anything of it. i felt the same as with a guy, only with a girl, its different cause guys usually aren't as vocal about stuff. haha. but let me just say, girls definitely know more what they're doing down there than guys do. ohhh boy i can just tell the difference. immediately i was like, wow, this girl knows what she's doing, holy shit. she's good. that's all i'm gonna say about that.
all in all, this has been the best relationship i have had. i have no intention of letting it go or having problems. i have done everything i can to not be crazy and fight with her. i don't even want to fight with her. i have a great feeling about her. she makes me smile soooooo much. and right now she's out of town. :( but last night we did a video chat online and it was so cool. she is the best. for valentine's day i bought her a necklace. its sooo pretty. okay. here's some pictures.....
zuriel and i got back together in november. things were going great and i really felt like that time it was perfect and it was exactly what i wanted it to be. but for some reason, it all started going to hell. he started acting strange with me, then he was more distant, then he was being too controlling, then he decided that he didn't want me to hang out with my friends or text them or talk to them on the phone. he even told me that the only way i was allowed to talk to any of them was if i actually saw them at work. it started bumming me out. i told him that he was acting weird and i didn't like it and i didn't know if i did something wrong and he said nothing was wrong. so i decided that maybe he was just being crazy and didn't have feelings for me anymore. i started hanging out with monica from work. monica was nice and sweet and awesome. she kept me company when i didn't have any and she was always there for me. he got jealous of her because she is a lesbian. and i guess it was pretty obvious that she had a crush on me. but i didn't think anything of it, cause i was with him and i wanted us to be happy. well, things started getting worse and worse and worse until finally, like a week after christmas, i told him i couldn't do it anymore. it was too much to handle. and he told me nothing was wrong and that he had every right to be that way since i had broken up with him. i just didn't want to have a relationship like that, so unfortunately i broke up with him. i say unfortunately for a variety of reasons. i really did want things to work out between me and him. i really did care for him a lot, and i didn't want to hurt him at all. which i knew that if i broke up with him again then i would hurt him. but he was hurting me at the same time. so i did it. it hurt me to do it and i was even unsure if i made the right decision, but i couldn't go back this time. he wouldn't let it happen again. but all the while, i had been talking and hanging out with monica more and more which made me seriously start feeling like i liked her. i just felt this connection with her that i hadn't felt with a person since back in the day with dane. i felt alive, i felt free, i felt like i could have fun and do fun things. i mean, on her birthday party i got to go to clearwater with her friends. zuriel never let me go out with his friends and he always complained and if we ever went out it was always someplace that was familiar to both of us. she started opening me up to new places and cool things. i even got to go out drinking with her. she drove and didn't drink and let me drink. that was like a first time for real. it just started seeming more right for me when i was around her. i felt comfortable and at home and happy with her. we texted and got more close every day it felt like. then suddenly on new year's eve i had come over to her place after she got home from a party. she was drinking and it was so fun. she kept being close with me but didn't actually do anything except hold my hand which i found adorable because her hands were so sweaty and i could tell that she was extremely nervous with me. she had been reallly hinting at it that she liked me also. i stayed over that night and the next day when i was on my way home she kissed me. it was crazy and it was unexpected, and i liked it. after that i was confused. i didn't know what it was that i actually wanted. i wasn't sure if it was to be with her, or to experiment with her, or just ssomeone to keep me company because i was lonely. i knew that i felt something different with her than i normally do with other people, so that was in the back of my head. but the part that just got to me was the fact that she was a girla nd everyone i knew was making fun of me cause they knew she liked me. i just didn't know what was going through my head anymore. i wanted to be with her everyday. i wanted to hang out with her and i was constantly texting her. i just couldn't resist her. she was absolutely charming and sweet. she was unlike any other person i had ever met. so i started thinking what it would be like ot be with a girl. i was scared of vaginas. i didn't like them too much. i didn't know what people would think of me. i didn't want people to be thinking "oh i always knew she liked girls" or "damn i didn't know heather would be a lesbian one day" or something along those lines. because its not like that. its not like i look at all girls and like them all. its just like, monica is an exception for me. she's different than other girls and i don't judge her based on her gender. i felt like i liked her and what's going to stop that???? a person's sex? pssssh i know feelings when i have them and i definitely felt something with her. then i started thinking about kids. what would i do....i wanted kids. i have always wanted kids. but i want MY kids. i want kids with a person that i'm in love with. i want biological kids. how could i do that with a girl, if it gets to that point? it freaked me out to even think of that. then i got so scared just to tell my mom and family and friends, cause i didn't know what they were going to think or say about me. when it all came down to it, it was one day i was in pollo tropical talking to her and telling her i didn't think i could find a person better than zuriel for me. and she told me that she knew for a fact there are people out there who could treat me better than he could. it sounded so convincing. and then one night i was having a breakdown after i broke up with zuriel. i was beginning to regret my decision on breaking up with him and she texted me something that just, touched me so much. she said "i don't mean to sound arrogant because i'm not but i know that i can love you so much more and better than he ever did." and it worked. it just made me feel like, wow, i need this girl in my life. i'll be making the hugest mistake ever if i don't try this out. so when we decided we wanted to be a couple, it was exciting and new for me. i was with a girl. and i didn't know what to think. i felt like a rulebreaker. i felt like i was doing something illegal and it felt so great. i was scared for what the girls at work would think but i just didn't care. i didn't care what anyone thought. no one could hold my hand the same way she could. no one could make me feel the way she did. she just made me feel like i was cared for. she made me feel like i mattered and like she really loved me. its been like, a month and a half now. i'm living with her. i'm happier than ever. i know that i made the right decision. its like going on the road less traveled. most people would ignore their instincts just cause she's a girl but i decided to go with mine on this one. she's perfect. she has every quality i ever wanted in a person, but moreso, a guy. she likes everything i like, she's more into emotions, she's not rude, she has a sense of humor! she makes good money and is determined at work. she's going to get her bachelor's soon and OMG she wants to go to medical school and have a career. she has her own place and wanted to live with me. she has a nice car. she's got it all. and she's not the girliest girl but she is pretty darn feminine. she is pretty to me too. zuriel likes to be a douche and tell me that she's like a guy, because she doesn't look like the type of girl to work at hooters, but whatever. i like her and i like how she looks. she never ceases to amaze me. she treats me better than i always imagined being treated. she makes me feel like a million bucks. maybe more. i know that there is a really high chance that she could be the right person for me. i feel that way already. i remember with zuriel it took me a long time to even realize that i liked him. with juan i wanted to feel like he was the one and i even said it a couple times, but i mean, it was just because he was nice to me. we didn't have this much in common. and i paid for everything for him. if we argued it was like he didn't even care. any time that i'm less than happy with monica, she is nothing but concerned. she cares so much. if i'm getting pissed off cause her ex came over and they're outside talking for hours, she comes in and sees me upset and immediately talks to me to work things out and apologizes. i love the way she treats me. for our one month, she bought me chocolates, flowers and a card. she buys me gifts randomly. she wants to be a part of my life and she wants to have a future to share with me. no one else has made me feel this way. no one else has cared for me the way she does. so screw anyone that says bad things about me being with a girl. screw anyone that says anything bad about same sex relationships. because if a person makes you happy it shouldn't matter what their gender is. if you and a person love each other then fuck what anyone else says. there's the love, and that's all that matters. i have really thought so much about this relationship and her and my feeelings. i know that what i feel is genuine love for her. i could never tell anyone i loved them the way i do with her. dane was the only one, and i was so young and i didn't know too much about the world but i loved him cause idk....i just did. but with her, i feel that same feeling. and its not just cause she's my first relationship. its cause this is real. i see her face and my heart melts.
that's the emotional part of the story. the exploration part is now. doing stuff with her. yes, i've done it to her. and obviously she has done it to me. not that bad. not as bad as one would believe. its different than male parts, and its weird at first, but i guess if you are curious enough or horny enough or emotionally involved enough, you just don't think of it as "ewww gross vagina" and you just wanna do whatever you can to please the other person. she figured it would be months before anything happened between me and her that involved me doing things to her. little did she know. it was like one of the first weeks lol. i was scared and nervous but very curious at the same time. i wanted to know what it would be like but i was weirded out also. when i saw that she really enjoyed what i was doing, the tension eased off and i didn't think anything of it. i felt the same as with a guy, only with a girl, its different cause guys usually aren't as vocal about stuff. haha. but let me just say, girls definitely know more what they're doing down there than guys do. ohhh boy i can just tell the difference. immediately i was like, wow, this girl knows what she's doing, holy shit. she's good. that's all i'm gonna say about that.
all in all, this has been the best relationship i have had. i have no intention of letting it go or having problems. i have done everything i can to not be crazy and fight with her. i don't even want to fight with her. i have a great feeling about her. she makes me smile soooooo much. and right now she's out of town. :( but last night we did a video chat online and it was so cool. she is the best. for valentine's day i bought her a necklace. its sooo pretty. okay. here's some pictures.....