Pressure
Under pressure.
Pressing down on me, I know that's all.
I also don't even know if that's how that song goes.
Let's try another good journal entry that helps me to sit with this feeling.
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For starters, I'm at least at my computer this time instead of on my phone so it's 100% more centering and feels 100% more appropriate to try and get my thoughts onto the webpage this way. Go process of reinforcement!
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I am sitting with the unease of not wanting to relax and let go again.
What are the emotions I am feeling with this? (I need to read that article on the emotional spectrum... 30 different ways to talk about my emotions is ideal but sometimes I have limited ones)
I am feeling anxious, pressured, unsure, overworked, overwhelmed, and again like I am not going to be enough.
Reminders from last time that this feeling encompasses most of America and 90% of my generation if they bother to try and put themselves out there. To be fair I also think it encompasses the portion of my generation that looks lazy and like they gave up- because this weight is something that has been on us since we were kids. We were given all the tools and all the parts of society to make ourselves great. 2,000 ways to be ourselves and be successful, why aren't we?
The never ending to-do list is just simply something that is.
It's is next to me, with me, part of me. The non-stop train called the heat death of the universe is also there with me. A part of me, a part of all of use. Collective suffering, collective movement. We are all moving along it, at the same speed.
The things left undone will consume us, but the world will move on.
So I am whole. I am worthy. I am enough.
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The secondary stress is financial. It's the giant "oh fuck" of the financial freakout I've been holding off for months since my husband stopped working and focused on a boot camp to get a better job. The future looks bright, he keeps saying, and he is right.
The future looks bright.
Right now the future looks hot to as we come into this heat wave, but that's another matter entirely (I just turned up the thermostat because I remembered an article about how to conserve power we need to move them up to at least 78 degrees)
This is the squirrel brain that I am talking about.
Do I ever want to check in about medication and about adult ADHD or do I embrace the wacky jumps that is my brain?
I still need to focus on mindfulness and meditation to gain some control over the swirling thoughts.
I then need to write some of them down to help with my general thought jumps.
So-
Dread.
I am feeling the dollars drain out of our bank account. I am feeling the need for more money as we journey into this next phase of our lives. It's coming, like death. Things are changing, shifting, moving towards the next thing.
What's a good quote about change?
"Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by discomforts"