The dread
So it’s super strange to write things out from my phone.
I already have difficulty with the translation from my head to paper, then from my head to typing on the computer in a journal entry is also exhausting.
In my head there are fully formed thoughts, concepts, attempts at regaining and attaining some sense of sanity and coherence.
(I need to look up local coherence)
So. How did it start on the walk? In my head?
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Per usual a statement to Patrick calls out to what I am doing and I stop. I told him I was running away from my own dread and I’m right.
It’s that pause. That tightness in my chest. That restlessness that tells me I am 100% uncomfortable stopping, no okay with sitting with it.
Then what “it” is becomes the question.
What am I afraid of? What can’t I sit with?
My job dread? Let’s unpack that.
I am dreading the feeling of a never ending to do list and the constant feeling of never being done. It’s honestly not just this job, my entire career and life is a never ending to do list.
How do I sit with it? How am I okay with it?
Each day ticks by and when I feel the dread of the endless to-do I then pause and then feel the push of entropy coming for us all.
Anxiety. Is that it?
I have finally started back my magnesium regiment and running more regularly. A preemptive attempt to stop the dread before it overwhelms me or is it just a good idea for self care?
Honestly the later regardless.
Just as the push pull of never ending tasks and looming death is honestly just the world as it is.
This is the constant.
Times in which I don’t feel this, I feel the feeling is a imply masked.
Let’s look it up and see what google says.
Burnout and never being enough seems to be the plight of the millennial American.
So if everyone is suffering, then I am enough by taking time to acknowledge my suffering and pat myself on the back for the strides I make every day.
The world still turns, I still move, but moving with purpose and a full cup gives me the strength and the dignity I need to figure out where I am in life.
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Success!