Picture Daze: A Skit
Dear Journal,
Because of a comment my roommate said, I devised a meaningless skit. All words, actions, thoughts, and ideas are made up. If any of this were real, I would die of amusement. With that, enjoy.
Picture Daze by Destiny
(**= actions, ( )= plotline)
Me: *posting Norman Reedus pictures on my wall* I wonder if putting these pictures up would qualify as a stalker action. You think I could get thrown in jail.
Roommate: *looks up from making her bed* Well, seeing as he’s a celebrity, I don’t think so.
Me: *relieved* Oh! *goes back to posting pics* It’s just that this one picture looks like a stalker photo. *holds up picture of Norman looking away from the camera in suit and sunglasses* So long as I’m not a stalker…
Roommate: Yeah, I don’t think you are. Some people even have life-sized montages of their favorite actors and actresses. Even blow up dolls and the like.
Me: *freezes, eyes glazing over* Life-sized… Norman?
Roommate: *rolls eyes and goes back to making her bed* Oh God, how’d I know that would get your blood pumping? Let me just sit over here and shut up before someone somewhere classifies you as a stalker.
Me: *jumps up and down on my bed* No… DUDE! How awesome would it be to wake up everyday near a life-sized thing of friggen Norman Reedus? I’d be pumped! *goes back to putting up pics*
(There is silence in the room for a few minutes until….)
Me: *standing back and eyeing my picture hanging job* Do these look a little low to you?
Roommate: *appraises work* Well, they’re really close to your bed. All the better for you to see Norman when you wake up.
Me: True! *long pause* He’s hot.
Roommate: *has gone back to doing her own thing* Mmm… That’s the fangirl talking.
Me: Fangirl or not, I find him FUCKING SEXY!!!!
Roommate: I wonder if it’s possible to actually fuck sexy….
Me: Norman’s been fucked, right? There’s your answer. And if not, I’d gladly pop his cherry persona! *long pause and then I give a chagrined look* I feel kind of bad speaking about him like a sex object, though.
Roommate: I’m sure he’s crying himself to sleep because you find him sexy. Oh, the discrimination! *clutches chest dramatically*
Me: *flops onto bed* Meh.
(Another few minutes pass with her reading and me staring in space… both doing what we do best. Suddenly, I hear someone sneeze.)
Me/Roommate: Bless you.
(We both stare at each other for a moment before…)
Me/Roommate: It wasn’t me.
Me: it wasn’t you?
Roommate: no, thought it was you.
Masculine Voice: Okay, thanks! Bless me, I get it. Don’t make a big deal out of it.
Me: *looks around* Heh?
Roommate: I didn’t say anything. *shrugs and goes back to reading*
Me: *raises eyebrow but goes back to staring off into space* I need more sleep.
Masculine Voice: you’re telling me! You know how many times you roll in your sleep? I can’t even get sleep because of it!
Me: *abruptly sits up and looks around* What the FUCK?
Roommate: *looks up* Hmm?
Me: You didn’t say anything?
Roommate: In my thoughts but not out loud.
Me: Well, what did you think?
Roommate: *looks amused* you can read thoughts now?
Me: One can never be certain in these situations. *shrugs* Might as well just humor me.
Roommate: If one starts understanding “Robot Chicken”, does that means they’re officially an idiot or just temporarily impaired? That's what I was thinking. Weird thought but nobody's there to judge me in my head, you know? So... what do you think the answer is?
Me: Depends on how much they’ve watched it and whether or not liquor was involved.
Masculine Voice: So, if they understand it and liquor isn’t involved, it makes them an idiot?
Me: *absentmindedly* Or a temporary one.
Masculine Voice: What if they’re actually extremely smart, with an IQ of, like, 187?
Me: *ponders* Well, you’ve got to think about the demographics. What genius would sit down to enjoy 20-something minutes of fart jokes and imitations?
Masculine Voice: Watching an immature show doesn’t relate to a person’s intelligence. Just because you choose to watch 90210 doesn’t make you a California Valley Girl, does it?
Me: Why would you watch 90210 unless your interests twisted in that direction? No sane person would willingly subject themselves to a show they didn’t relate to in some way.
Masculine Voice: Relate to in some way?! That’s like saying because you like boats, you’re a Christian. Or because you watch “The Muppets”, you’re a pedophile. Since when do our interests dictate our intelligence level or lifestyle? Our hobbies don’t constitute our beliefs or our integrity.
Me: But what if one of your hobbies is chopping up people into little bits and hiding them on said boat? Wouldn’t THAT affect your integrity?
Masculine Voice: That’s an extreme scenario. We’re talking about television preference relating to intelligence, not serial killing hobbies relating to integrity. The fact of the matter is that what you choose to watch has nothing to do with how you choose to act.
Me: What fact? All I hear are opinions based on nothing more than shit you believe! I had a point. The fact that YOU changed the subject means you know I had a point and you felt threatened!
Masculine Voice: You didn’t have a point! All you’re doing is twisting opinions to suit your own idea! That’s definitely not a point, last time I checked!
Me: then maybe you’re watching too much Robot Chicken!
Roommate: what the hell are you talking about, Destiny? Do I need to get you some meds or something?
Me: Huh?
Roommate: *stares at me in disbelief* You were having an argument… with yourself.
Me: no, there was a du… Oh my god, you really didn’t hear that guy arguing with me? *jumps off of bed and starts looking around*
Roommate: I heard you arguing with yourself. *rolls out of the way as I run over to her side of the room, determined to find the unknown man* What the hell are you doing??
Me: Proving that I’m not crazy.
Masculine Voice: You’re crazy if you believe watching “Robot Chicken” constitutes anything other than a means of entertainment.
Me: You’re still going on about that? I’m telling you…
Roommate: Yeah, I’m going to go to the bathroom. Let me know how that hunt for Red October goes. *cough* schizophrenic *cough*
(Roommate gets off of her bed and heads into our conjoining bathroom, presumably to take some space and take a shit. I roll my eyes and head back toward my own bed, determined to give up on “finding” the owner of this mysterious voice. If I AM crazy, I’d rather not find out.)
Masculine Voice: *heaves a sigh* Maybe I shouldn’t have come off the way I did. I’m sorry. Truce?
Me: ………….
Masculine Voice: What?
Me: *groans and smooches face into pillow* I’m going to ignore you. You're obviously not real, bro.
Masculine Voice: *sounds offended* that’s really rude! Of course I’m real! What, because I’m paper, I’m not worthy enough to be talked to or something? You’re the one who stuck me here!
Me: *rolls over and bolts upright* Paper? A clue!!!! *shouts at Roommate* Roomie, I figured something out!
Roommate: *sounding a little strained* What… did… you… figure out? NNNGHH. *mumbles* Phew, that was a tough one.
Masculine Voice: You’re so slow! I’m Norman Reedus!
Me: Another clue! It’s Norman Ree… Wait, what?! Norman REEDUS???? *turns around, looking for Norman Reedus around my room.*
(In my wild search for the infamous actor, my eyes roam across my brand new Norman pictures that adorn my wall. I peruse the first four and they’re all in mint condition. On the last one however, the full-length photo of Norman in a 18th century gentleman’s coat, there’s something slightly askew. What used to be a side shot of him has now turned into a full-frontal shot. Norman’s face is pulled into a scowl and a cigarette dangles from his lips.)
Me: *approaches photo cautiously* N-Norman… Reedus?
Masculine Voice/Norman Photo: *takes a drag of his cigarette before replying* Took you long enough. I guess I’m not the only one who watches Robot Chicken.
TBC Tomorrow….
Let me know if it’s worth continuing. lol