A Post I Wrote Two Weeks Ago
This is actually a post I wrote two weeks ago but never had the chance to put up. Ignore it; it's nothing but self-awareness ranting.
My Insecurities
Dear Journal,
I’ve been thinking a little bit more than is usual. Usually, I’m a pretty simple woman. I try not to think too deeply on things because I’m the type that will take life seriously, given the chance. I’ve been down the bad roads before and know that if you dwell on them, they twist and distort beyond recognition. But today just seems so nostalgic for me.
I was thinking about all of my faults and the reasons behind them. Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to pick your faults to pieces just so you can say that you’ve done it before anyone else? Here’s my day:
I’m obsessive. I get cranky easily. My mood swings rival even the worst bi-polar, menopausal women. I can’t keep thoughts in my head, even when they should never be voiced. I tend to act before thinking. I go through these phases where I’ll be unsociable for weeks at a time and then out of nowhere, I’ll want to be surrounded by nothing but people.
I’m impatient with handicapped people. I can’t look at someone with a serious flaw on their face. I’m vain but terribly insecure at the oddest times. For example, when I meet someone new, I’ll flaunt my best qualities but worry all the while if those qualities are good enough. When it comes to love, I’ll try my hardest to get a person to fall for me and when they finally do, I’ll lose interest. I’m the sappiest romantic I know but also the only one who believes true love doesn’t exist outside of fairytales. I push people away who get close to me but still yearn for someone to find me worth the pain I cause them.
I’ll get these creative flows that will allow me to write some pretty unique stuff but halfway through them, I’ll either lose interest or find it to be utter trash. Some days I’ll think my writing is gold. Most days I’ll forget where to space a paragraph or what a semi colon should follow. I’m only of slightly above average intelligence- I stopped learning in ninth grade. If I had been allowed to stay in one school for an entire year, I’m sure I would have made it to above average intelligence. But then again, maybe I peaked in grade school. Lol
I honestly have no idea where I’m going with my life. I promised a friend of mine that we would get our teaching license in Japan together, albeit me a little later due to Job Corps… I know I would make a horrible teacher. I want to join the army but probably never will because the moment I thought of it, I suddenly found a whole list of places I would rather be than there.
I hold grudges and yet act like I don’t. I’m quick to anger. I’m also quick to get out of anger. Case and point: guy shoves something in my face. I yell for two minutes, plot my revenge, and then promptly forget about it. Days later, I see this guy and remember that I owe him for humiliating me. Oh, right. I’m also ridiculously proud. If I admit to doing something wrong and that person doesn’t forgive me, I’ll feel so humiliated that I’ll make their life hell. I have a warped sense of justice but few morals. For example, I’ll defend someone I barely know who is getting made fun of to the point where I get into a brawl but could care less about my grandmother dying or world hunger.
The best relationships I’ve had are with fucked up people. The worst relationships I’ve had are with honest, decent human beings. In relationships with the former, I’ll be loving and understanding. In relationships with the latter, I’ll be the emotionally abusive one. The funny thing about me being such a jackass is that I’m aware of it… I just can’t control it.
I can’t have a sexual relationship with a man if I’m not 100 percent physically attracted to him. Even if it’s 99.9 percent attraction, I’ll be physically repulsed when it comes to doing the “Deed”. With a woman, however, she can be 22 percent but I’ll still want her.
I can be shy even though I act confident. I won’t go out of my way to be confident and dominant if I don’t have to… I’m lazy like that. People who try to control me piss me off. I can’t stand people who fall for me because of my dominant side. Those are the type of people who’ll leave me the moment they discover I can (and will often) cry.
I’m also a big baby. I’m the type of person who’ll start a fight and if I get my ass kicked, I’ll go to the person I hold dear at the time and cry for them to take care of my wounds. On the other hand, I’m the type of person who goes to that same person for a post-fight victory fuck. Violence turns me on. Guns do, too. People getting violently shot by said guns does not, thankfully.
On the lazy subject, I’m lazy. There’s no getting around that one. My room constantly being messy ties into my laziness. It’s usually in shambles. Hell, I trip no matter where I walk in my room. I’m also a lazy dresser. I’m the type of person to walk around with a half tucked-in shirt and bed head. I find ripped jeans sexy. I think shirts worn once are good to wear again without vigorous washing, granted one hasn’t worked out in them. Chaos is my orderliness, if that makes any sense. Making plans pisses me off but on the same hand, if I make plans with someone, they need to keep to them.
I don’t have much faith in family or religion. I’m probably jaded. I have a warped relationship with “God”. I refuse to believe in the fucker until he shows up on my doorstep and personally hands me some happiness. Until then, I choose to disown the idea of “God”. Overly Christian people piss me off. My mom pisses me off. I’m pretty okay with the idea of life, though… Life doesn’t piss me off, usually.
So, now that I’ve point out the majority of my faults, what’s left? Listing them didn’t do much but make me aware of them. It’s not like I’ll do anything about them. That’s the problem with nostalgic days; you can’t do anything but dwell.
For those of you who read my journal, I apologize for the self-awareness rant. If it interests any of you, maybe you can make a similar post, listing some of your faults… It’d be kind of nice to know I’m not the only one who’s dysfunctional and melancholic. Lol
On that note, I’m off to watch my girlfriend get her ass kicked at volleyball.
Peace out,
-D
My Insecurities
Dear Journal,
I’ve been thinking a little bit more than is usual. Usually, I’m a pretty simple woman. I try not to think too deeply on things because I’m the type that will take life seriously, given the chance. I’ve been down the bad roads before and know that if you dwell on them, they twist and distort beyond recognition. But today just seems so nostalgic for me.
I was thinking about all of my faults and the reasons behind them. Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to pick your faults to pieces just so you can say that you’ve done it before anyone else? Here’s my day:
I’m obsessive. I get cranky easily. My mood swings rival even the worst bi-polar, menopausal women. I can’t keep thoughts in my head, even when they should never be voiced. I tend to act before thinking. I go through these phases where I’ll be unsociable for weeks at a time and then out of nowhere, I’ll want to be surrounded by nothing but people.
I’m impatient with handicapped people. I can’t look at someone with a serious flaw on their face. I’m vain but terribly insecure at the oddest times. For example, when I meet someone new, I’ll flaunt my best qualities but worry all the while if those qualities are good enough. When it comes to love, I’ll try my hardest to get a person to fall for me and when they finally do, I’ll lose interest. I’m the sappiest romantic I know but also the only one who believes true love doesn’t exist outside of fairytales. I push people away who get close to me but still yearn for someone to find me worth the pain I cause them.
I’ll get these creative flows that will allow me to write some pretty unique stuff but halfway through them, I’ll either lose interest or find it to be utter trash. Some days I’ll think my writing is gold. Most days I’ll forget where to space a paragraph or what a semi colon should follow. I’m only of slightly above average intelligence- I stopped learning in ninth grade. If I had been allowed to stay in one school for an entire year, I’m sure I would have made it to above average intelligence. But then again, maybe I peaked in grade school. Lol
I honestly have no idea where I’m going with my life. I promised a friend of mine that we would get our teaching license in Japan together, albeit me a little later due to Job Corps… I know I would make a horrible teacher. I want to join the army but probably never will because the moment I thought of it, I suddenly found a whole list of places I would rather be than there.
I hold grudges and yet act like I don’t. I’m quick to anger. I’m also quick to get out of anger. Case and point: guy shoves something in my face. I yell for two minutes, plot my revenge, and then promptly forget about it. Days later, I see this guy and remember that I owe him for humiliating me. Oh, right. I’m also ridiculously proud. If I admit to doing something wrong and that person doesn’t forgive me, I’ll feel so humiliated that I’ll make their life hell. I have a warped sense of justice but few morals. For example, I’ll defend someone I barely know who is getting made fun of to the point where I get into a brawl but could care less about my grandmother dying or world hunger.
The best relationships I’ve had are with fucked up people. The worst relationships I’ve had are with honest, decent human beings. In relationships with the former, I’ll be loving and understanding. In relationships with the latter, I’ll be the emotionally abusive one. The funny thing about me being such a jackass is that I’m aware of it… I just can’t control it.
I can’t have a sexual relationship with a man if I’m not 100 percent physically attracted to him. Even if it’s 99.9 percent attraction, I’ll be physically repulsed when it comes to doing the “Deed”. With a woman, however, she can be 22 percent but I’ll still want her.
I can be shy even though I act confident. I won’t go out of my way to be confident and dominant if I don’t have to… I’m lazy like that. People who try to control me piss me off. I can’t stand people who fall for me because of my dominant side. Those are the type of people who’ll leave me the moment they discover I can (and will often) cry.
I’m also a big baby. I’m the type of person who’ll start a fight and if I get my ass kicked, I’ll go to the person I hold dear at the time and cry for them to take care of my wounds. On the other hand, I’m the type of person who goes to that same person for a post-fight victory fuck. Violence turns me on. Guns do, too. People getting violently shot by said guns does not, thankfully.
On the lazy subject, I’m lazy. There’s no getting around that one. My room constantly being messy ties into my laziness. It’s usually in shambles. Hell, I trip no matter where I walk in my room. I’m also a lazy dresser. I’m the type of person to walk around with a half tucked-in shirt and bed head. I find ripped jeans sexy. I think shirts worn once are good to wear again without vigorous washing, granted one hasn’t worked out in them. Chaos is my orderliness, if that makes any sense. Making plans pisses me off but on the same hand, if I make plans with someone, they need to keep to them.
I don’t have much faith in family or religion. I’m probably jaded. I have a warped relationship with “God”. I refuse to believe in the fucker until he shows up on my doorstep and personally hands me some happiness. Until then, I choose to disown the idea of “God”. Overly Christian people piss me off. My mom pisses me off. I’m pretty okay with the idea of life, though… Life doesn’t piss me off, usually.
So, now that I’ve point out the majority of my faults, what’s left? Listing them didn’t do much but make me aware of them. It’s not like I’ll do anything about them. That’s the problem with nostalgic days; you can’t do anything but dwell.
For those of you who read my journal, I apologize for the self-awareness rant. If it interests any of you, maybe you can make a similar post, listing some of your faults… It’d be kind of nice to know I’m not the only one who’s dysfunctional and melancholic. Lol
On that note, I’m off to watch my girlfriend get her ass kicked at volleyball.
Peace out,
-D