Could just be the hormones talking...
Well, I've been trying to think this whole familial mess over as best as I can. Not an easy task, of that I assure you all, despite Dad and his "you need to decide now--like THIS WEEK." I'm not saying anything's written in stone as far as plans go, and I certainly don't want to do anything too rash, but I think I'm getting an idea of what I do and do not want.
For one thing, despite my parents' "encouraging" (closer to "bullying and scare tactics" if you ask me...), I just don't think I could terminate this little one in good conscience. Don't get me wrong--I'm very much so in favor of pro-choice. I just don't think that I personally could do it. I'll go and make an appointment with Planned Parenthood and their counselors and hear what they have to say about the pros and cons for it (though I refuse to have any big medical procedure like that done until after I've consulted with an OB-GYN because for all I know, my body might not be able to handle something like that, let alone the non-physical me), but I just don't think that I'm going to be able to side with my parents on that one.
As for adoption... Eee... Being an adoptee myself (and it was a closed adoption, so I've never met my birthfamily), it just gives me kind of a strange feeling to go through such a thing with my own offspring. Mind you, the LFS lady told me that they really don't do closed adoptions anymore unless the birthfamily is adamant about it. I certainly don't think I could do a closed adoption, not after being in that arrangement from the child's end. There's just too many "what-if"s and just plain "what"s to it, and especially with every institution and their sub-divisions wanting medical histories these days... *shakes head* I could maybe do an open adoption, but, man, that'd just be weird... Not to mention that I'd be forever terrified of whether or not I'd chosen a good family for my baby. I don't know if my birthmother would have given me to the family I have now if she could have foreseen the sort of emotional and mental trauma I'd face from them. Then again, I don't know what sorts of people my folks were competing with. *shrug* I'll see what more my LFS counselor has to say about it, but I dunno... I think it'd just be too weird for me to go through.
Then there's the idea of being mother to my baby. Truth is, I've always wanted to be a mom. It just feels like it would be such a natural state for me to enter. Even when babysitting, I felt such a maternal sort of bond to those kids, even if it was just a one-time job. And, when I picture the possibility of this little one in my arms or playing or whatever, it makes me smile. I really don't relish the thought of being a "welfare mom." Not that I expect any aspect of motherhood to be easy, but I just think that the "welfare mom" route would be one bloody tough hole to try and claw my way out of it, especially since I can't even get a full-time job at bloody WAL-MART. I know--I applied and got rejected. FROM WAL-MART!! Yeesh. Anyway, I'm digressing. Furthermore, C.J. wouldn't let me be a welfare mom. Since it's his baby too, he wants to do his darnedest to make sure both baby and I are taken care of. To be honest, when I first found out about the baby, my ideal solution was always to marry the father and we'd do our best to raise the little one together. Honestly, I think that's always going to be the ideal solution in my head, despite the fact that I know well that ideals don't usually match reality. Still...
Of course, to follow my would-be ideal solution would require one monumental step: defying the parents. I know darned good and well (and I think THEY know it too...) that I can't stand up to my parents at all--probably because of whatever mental/emotional abuse I've suffered at their hands. They say that they can't stop me from doing such a thing (this coming from the same people that tell me I don't have a curfew but still harp on me to have lights out at 11 and chew me out for having my car out past midnight--and no, I'm NOT kidding), and I know that's true, legally-speaking anyway. Nonetheless, I'm powerless against these people--they've made me that way, probably on purpose. So, I'm thinking that if I go that route, the only way I'm going to be able to follow through on it would be for them to one day come home and all my stuff is gone--me included. In essence, running away. Cowardly? Perhaps, but I know myself and them too well to think I could possibly manage to do so otherwise. Kind of a scary thought to go such a seemingly desperate route, but it's probably my only real shot at it. I may never be able to see it through, though, so it's not like this is the for-certain decision right now.
In any case, wish me luck. Hopefully my evening over at min_chan's tonight will help me sort through everything a little better and not make any rash decisions.
For one thing, despite my parents' "encouraging" (closer to "bullying and scare tactics" if you ask me...), I just don't think I could terminate this little one in good conscience. Don't get me wrong--I'm very much so in favor of pro-choice. I just don't think that I personally could do it. I'll go and make an appointment with Planned Parenthood and their counselors and hear what they have to say about the pros and cons for it (though I refuse to have any big medical procedure like that done until after I've consulted with an OB-GYN because for all I know, my body might not be able to handle something like that, let alone the non-physical me), but I just don't think that I'm going to be able to side with my parents on that one.
As for adoption... Eee... Being an adoptee myself (and it was a closed adoption, so I've never met my birthfamily), it just gives me kind of a strange feeling to go through such a thing with my own offspring. Mind you, the LFS lady told me that they really don't do closed adoptions anymore unless the birthfamily is adamant about it. I certainly don't think I could do a closed adoption, not after being in that arrangement from the child's end. There's just too many "what-if"s and just plain "what"s to it, and especially with every institution and their sub-divisions wanting medical histories these days... *shakes head* I could maybe do an open adoption, but, man, that'd just be weird... Not to mention that I'd be forever terrified of whether or not I'd chosen a good family for my baby. I don't know if my birthmother would have given me to the family I have now if she could have foreseen the sort of emotional and mental trauma I'd face from them. Then again, I don't know what sorts of people my folks were competing with. *shrug* I'll see what more my LFS counselor has to say about it, but I dunno... I think it'd just be too weird for me to go through.
Then there's the idea of being mother to my baby. Truth is, I've always wanted to be a mom. It just feels like it would be such a natural state for me to enter. Even when babysitting, I felt such a maternal sort of bond to those kids, even if it was just a one-time job. And, when I picture the possibility of this little one in my arms or playing or whatever, it makes me smile. I really don't relish the thought of being a "welfare mom." Not that I expect any aspect of motherhood to be easy, but I just think that the "welfare mom" route would be one bloody tough hole to try and claw my way out of it, especially since I can't even get a full-time job at bloody WAL-MART. I know--I applied and got rejected. FROM WAL-MART!! Yeesh. Anyway, I'm digressing. Furthermore, C.J. wouldn't let me be a welfare mom. Since it's his baby too, he wants to do his darnedest to make sure both baby and I are taken care of. To be honest, when I first found out about the baby, my ideal solution was always to marry the father and we'd do our best to raise the little one together. Honestly, I think that's always going to be the ideal solution in my head, despite the fact that I know well that ideals don't usually match reality. Still...
Of course, to follow my would-be ideal solution would require one monumental step: defying the parents. I know darned good and well (and I think THEY know it too...) that I can't stand up to my parents at all--probably because of whatever mental/emotional abuse I've suffered at their hands. They say that they can't stop me from doing such a thing (this coming from the same people that tell me I don't have a curfew but still harp on me to have lights out at 11 and chew me out for having my car out past midnight--and no, I'm NOT kidding), and I know that's true, legally-speaking anyway. Nonetheless, I'm powerless against these people--they've made me that way, probably on purpose. So, I'm thinking that if I go that route, the only way I'm going to be able to follow through on it would be for them to one day come home and all my stuff is gone--me included. In essence, running away. Cowardly? Perhaps, but I know myself and them too well to think I could possibly manage to do so otherwise. Kind of a scary thought to go such a seemingly desperate route, but it's probably my only real shot at it. I may never be able to see it through, though, so it's not like this is the for-certain decision right now.
In any case, wish me luck. Hopefully my evening over at min_chan's tonight will help me sort through everything a little better and not make any rash decisions.