of men & dogs & closing doors
I'm glad I wrote this on myspace first...it came across more diplomatic and less bitter:
why do we call unrespectable men dogs? dogs are at least loyal, trainable, forgivable... I respect dogs for who they are. the only man in my life (still, unfortunately, as business partner and tragic friend) who I can currently call a dog has lost the majority of my respect. not to mention my concern. the respect started to slide last week when I found out he was stringing a girl along as if they are exclusive. anyone who knows this dude or has seen him interact in public would likely come to the conclusion that this girl is completely braindead for believing he was hers & hers alone. it's probably why he likes her...smart women are impossible to lie to.
yes, I let myself get mixed up with a guy who is no good for me (for anyone?); i let down my guard and let hope and him in when he told me he wanted me for his own; i trusted someone I knew was lying to many others, making excuses for him or thinking he'd somehow be different for me... i knew he had the capability of making every girl in the entire world feel uniquely special, yet somehow I thought I actually was special to him. I knew he dug me because I'm not bitchy, clingy, jealous, or starved for attention, yet his behavior drove me closer to those traits than I ever had been before. my mother and tarik are the only other people who've had this "crazymaking" effect of me...manipulative psychopaths, they are. I'm not sure what to make of him yet. maybe he's met his match...we both played and lost.
I am a fucking sucker. big arms, sad eyes, and a sure cock will hook me every time. the pretty words, the context of which didn't match the personna and took me off guard, helped. I fell for something fast, flashy, new, exciting, shiny, and so very very pretty. and I fell hard and wild, just like I like to. i opened myself up, and at that very moment of vulnerability he stuck in the knife and started twisting. did i care that he fucked other women? no...occasionally I even got to help. did I care that he'd stick his dick in anything? not really...I'm still a 7-8-9 (looks-personality-brains) despite the fact that his tastes and available pussy fall squarely in the 5-4-3 camp. did i care about the superficial stuff, good and bad? fuck no. I didn't even care about smelling like a camp fire, his obvious deathwish, or his really bad intuition when it comes to bitches. I overlooked one flaw too many, however.
what got me was twofold. I only ever asked for the truth: openness, honesty, disclosure. perfect informaion turns me on, helps me make better decisions, and reminds me less and less of the messy situation i have with evan. truth was the only thing I ever wanted, regardless of the nature of our relationship. what I got was him telling me he wanted more, but couldn't do anything about it or even give me any specifics because I am still married (to yet another liar). as soon as he uncharacteristically opened up to me & showed me he might be capable of human emotion, he got my raw heart on a platter. I slowly peeled away the layers of jade & logic & rationalizations & admitted I wanted him too. still, i demanded nothing but honesty. the time we would spend together was fan-fucking-tastic. the time we'd spend apart was full of evasion, half-truths, and outright lies. then I'd react to the lies with clingyness, bitchyness, jealousy...my fault, i know. I always knew when he was lying, and it would take mere happenstance to prove myself right.
i'm too smart to put up with that shit. he must be an absolute moron not to realize that it didn't work once, twice, three times...that I could always tell. I'd call him on it, and that only made him angry...not guilty, not sad for hurting "his best friend" or betraying my trust, but angry. so now he's lost my potential adoration and my respect. I hope it burns every day he has to see me. it probaly won't, unless my presence continues to spark the self-examination of conscience that it once did.
i am not the universe, i am not the cosmos, i am not karma...but right now we all hate you.
why do we call unrespectable men dogs? dogs are at least loyal, trainable, forgivable... I respect dogs for who they are. the only man in my life (still, unfortunately, as business partner and tragic friend) who I can currently call a dog has lost the majority of my respect. not to mention my concern. the respect started to slide last week when I found out he was stringing a girl along as if they are exclusive. anyone who knows this dude or has seen him interact in public would likely come to the conclusion that this girl is completely braindead for believing he was hers & hers alone. it's probably why he likes her...smart women are impossible to lie to.
yes, I let myself get mixed up with a guy who is no good for me (for anyone?); i let down my guard and let hope and him in when he told me he wanted me for his own; i trusted someone I knew was lying to many others, making excuses for him or thinking he'd somehow be different for me... i knew he had the capability of making every girl in the entire world feel uniquely special, yet somehow I thought I actually was special to him. I knew he dug me because I'm not bitchy, clingy, jealous, or starved for attention, yet his behavior drove me closer to those traits than I ever had been before. my mother and tarik are the only other people who've had this "crazymaking" effect of me...manipulative psychopaths, they are. I'm not sure what to make of him yet. maybe he's met his match...we both played and lost.
I am a fucking sucker. big arms, sad eyes, and a sure cock will hook me every time. the pretty words, the context of which didn't match the personna and took me off guard, helped. I fell for something fast, flashy, new, exciting, shiny, and so very very pretty. and I fell hard and wild, just like I like to. i opened myself up, and at that very moment of vulnerability he stuck in the knife and started twisting. did i care that he fucked other women? no...occasionally I even got to help. did I care that he'd stick his dick in anything? not really...I'm still a 7-8-9 (looks-personality-brains) despite the fact that his tastes and available pussy fall squarely in the 5-4-3 camp. did i care about the superficial stuff, good and bad? fuck no. I didn't even care about smelling like a camp fire, his obvious deathwish, or his really bad intuition when it comes to bitches. I overlooked one flaw too many, however.
what got me was twofold. I only ever asked for the truth: openness, honesty, disclosure. perfect informaion turns me on, helps me make better decisions, and reminds me less and less of the messy situation i have with evan. truth was the only thing I ever wanted, regardless of the nature of our relationship. what I got was him telling me he wanted more, but couldn't do anything about it or even give me any specifics because I am still married (to yet another liar). as soon as he uncharacteristically opened up to me & showed me he might be capable of human emotion, he got my raw heart on a platter. I slowly peeled away the layers of jade & logic & rationalizations & admitted I wanted him too. still, i demanded nothing but honesty. the time we would spend together was fan-fucking-tastic. the time we'd spend apart was full of evasion, half-truths, and outright lies. then I'd react to the lies with clingyness, bitchyness, jealousy...my fault, i know. I always knew when he was lying, and it would take mere happenstance to prove myself right.
i'm too smart to put up with that shit. he must be an absolute moron not to realize that it didn't work once, twice, three times...that I could always tell. I'd call him on it, and that only made him angry...not guilty, not sad for hurting "his best friend" or betraying my trust, but angry. so now he's lost my potential adoration and my respect. I hope it burns every day he has to see me. it probaly won't, unless my presence continues to spark the self-examination of conscience that it once did.
i am not the universe, i am not the cosmos, i am not karma...but right now we all hate you.