Dear Miriam,
why did you do this to me?! What have I ever done to you?! D:
Yours,
your brain
I think I can say with absolute certainty now that I have read the worst piece of fiction ever written. My IQ will never be the same.
(If you're morbidly curious,
here's the TV-Tropes article about the offending piece. It also has a link to the actual story, but I advise you to keep your cursor away from it. Seriously. It's like when your parents warned you about touching that hot oven; you don't have to test it to know that it will hurt.)