honestly
Honestly? Every day makes it harder. Every day makes it more real. Every day he is gone. And he's not coming back. Tomorrow it will be one month. And people are still JUST finding out because it was all so sudden and unanticipated. And even when it is the most well-meaning, kind, caring, compassionate people, I still tear up and just hope to get to the car before I break down and cry in the parking lot. I hate being weepy like this. Right now it feels like all the time I am about ready to cry. And I also always want to drink. Mind you I pretty much don't, and when I do it is only 2-4 drinks, but I want to all the time. It's something that I think about frequently. And I don't really want to talk about it unless you've actually been through losing a parent, because if you haven't, you can't understand and I don't want you to bother to try on my account. This is the saddest, scariest thing you could ever imagine, short of losing your own child. Which only makes me think I could never really try to get pregnant because if I ever lost the baby I think I would absolutely die because I don't think I can live through this feeling again. I mean, it is hard enough when someone has lived a life, and a good life, but someone who never even had the chance to be born and have a life to live? I would be so devastated I couldn't go on. And I know that my friends who have experienced that tell me that you manage to find a way, but right now I can't even see that.