(no subject)
So, I'm trying to figure out how to handle this whole Dreamwidth account thing.
It is perhaps time for a change, the shedding-of-old-baggage thing. I generally work from the belief that I don't have anything worthwhile to contribute - that I am less interesting, less creative, less informed, less attractive, just plain less, than everyone around me. I am incredibly self-conscious, all the time. It is not always much fun being in my head, guys!
I am working on these things, both on my own and in therapy (oh thank god for therapy) and it is starting to help, a little, I think! But part of what I'm realizing is that I've always thought, deep down, that if I just figured out where my various issues came from, they would go away. If I could say "Oh, I think I am uninteresting because my first grade teacher once told me to shut up" (for instance) then I could say "Well, obviously she was crazy, so that was a mistaken belief, TADA, all better!" And, uh, obviously, that is not how that works. So I'm working on overcoming my problems in part, sure, but also in learning how to live with them, and how to avoid situations which I know exacerbate them unnecessarily.
I have been on Livejournal a very long time, under one screen name or another. I think LJ might, in some way, always be tied up with depression and failure and lost friends and anxiety for me, and I am not sure that is healthy. There's also the fact that, for me, fandom was always a form of escapism. I was most involved at my most depressed; my resurgences of involvement and interest have always been when I'm really stressed, or veering back towards depression. It's not really a crutch I need anymore (though I'm not at all saying it is a crutch for everyone) and mostly I'm left with a vague sense of guilt over not being more involved/flaking out on years-old promises/not keeping up with people who were once good friends. It's ridiculous, honestly.
I'm more happy now, in most important ways, than I have ever been. I love my husband; I'm closer to much of my family than I have been in years; I have good friends (none of whom I spend as much time with as I'd like, but isn't that just life?) and many interesting acquaintances who I could see becoming friends. I hate my job, but only have a little more than a year left before I can leave and return to school, and in the meantime, I'm working regularly with a professional theatre company that I love, and while it may not quite feel like a comfortable home yet, I'm pretty sure that's more because of my own insecurity than anything else.
I think it is, perhaps, time to let some old issues and guilt and anger go, to begin saying what I want to say, even if it's sometimes wrong or dumb - because I bet a lot of the time it's not, to trust that people are reading what I have to say, or talking to me, because they are interested in what I have to say, not out of obligation or... anything else that isn't interest. Insert vocabulary here, okay?
I know a lot of you aren't planning to move to Dreamwidth, but I think I need to fresh slate, so what I'm thinking of doing is this: I will post primarily on Dreamwidth, crossposted to what will probably be an opt-in friendslock on LJ. If you're not planning to migrate to DW or get an OpenID account over there, let me know, and I'll make sure you can see stuff over here. I'll still follow whatever journals interest me over here, because... why wouldn't I? You guys are great!
SO:
1) Let me know if you want to be on the filter for my x-posted posts from Dreamwidth (like this one!)
2) For my own interest: if I disabled comments on LJ, so there was just a link to my Dreamwidth account and you could comment there but not on LJ, would you be significantly less likely to leave me comments? There is something nice about the idea of having all comments in one place, but I don't want to minimize the likelihood that people would talk to me.
It is perhaps time for a change, the shedding-of-old-baggage thing. I generally work from the belief that I don't have anything worthwhile to contribute - that I am less interesting, less creative, less informed, less attractive, just plain less, than everyone around me. I am incredibly self-conscious, all the time. It is not always much fun being in my head, guys!
I am working on these things, both on my own and in therapy (oh thank god for therapy) and it is starting to help, a little, I think! But part of what I'm realizing is that I've always thought, deep down, that if I just figured out where my various issues came from, they would go away. If I could say "Oh, I think I am uninteresting because my first grade teacher once told me to shut up" (for instance) then I could say "Well, obviously she was crazy, so that was a mistaken belief, TADA, all better!" And, uh, obviously, that is not how that works. So I'm working on overcoming my problems in part, sure, but also in learning how to live with them, and how to avoid situations which I know exacerbate them unnecessarily.
I have been on Livejournal a very long time, under one screen name or another. I think LJ might, in some way, always be tied up with depression and failure and lost friends and anxiety for me, and I am not sure that is healthy. There's also the fact that, for me, fandom was always a form of escapism. I was most involved at my most depressed; my resurgences of involvement and interest have always been when I'm really stressed, or veering back towards depression. It's not really a crutch I need anymore (though I'm not at all saying it is a crutch for everyone) and mostly I'm left with a vague sense of guilt over not being more involved/flaking out on years-old promises/not keeping up with people who were once good friends. It's ridiculous, honestly.
I'm more happy now, in most important ways, than I have ever been. I love my husband; I'm closer to much of my family than I have been in years; I have good friends (none of whom I spend as much time with as I'd like, but isn't that just life?) and many interesting acquaintances who I could see becoming friends. I hate my job, but only have a little more than a year left before I can leave and return to school, and in the meantime, I'm working regularly with a professional theatre company that I love, and while it may not quite feel like a comfortable home yet, I'm pretty sure that's more because of my own insecurity than anything else.
I think it is, perhaps, time to let some old issues and guilt and anger go, to begin saying what I want to say, even if it's sometimes wrong or dumb - because I bet a lot of the time it's not, to trust that people are reading what I have to say, or talking to me, because they are interested in what I have to say, not out of obligation or... anything else that isn't interest. Insert vocabulary here, okay?
I know a lot of you aren't planning to move to Dreamwidth, but I think I need to fresh slate, so what I'm thinking of doing is this: I will post primarily on Dreamwidth, crossposted to what will probably be an opt-in friendslock on LJ. If you're not planning to migrate to DW or get an OpenID account over there, let me know, and I'll make sure you can see stuff over here. I'll still follow whatever journals interest me over here, because... why wouldn't I? You guys are great!
SO:
1) Let me know if you want to be on the filter for my x-posted posts from Dreamwidth (like this one!)
2) For my own interest: if I disabled comments on LJ, so there was just a link to my Dreamwidth account and you could comment there but not on LJ, would you be significantly less likely to leave me comments? There is something nice about the idea of having all comments in one place, but I don't want to minimize the likelihood that people would talk to me.