Suicide Note; Chapter 05 (Part I)
Suicide Note
Chapter Five (Part I)
Abuse
Sharon slipped her panties on, looking over her shoulder at Amanda. She had to hurry to get to her Biochem exam. It was Friday-the entire week had passed her by in a blur. Her skin was a little wet from her hasty shower and she hadn't had time to dry her hair.
Her mind was a mess of thoughts, both from her upcoming exam to her conversation with Laura the night before. She felt ill that she couldn't have pulled herself away from Amanda's arms, that it had felt so good.
“What are you going to do?” Amanda asked, pulling the covers over herself. “You can't have us both.”
She felt cold this morning.
“Please be kind to her. Please love her as much as I do,” Amanda's words echoed in Sharon's mind. Had she already admitted defeat? Was she just a prize in this sick game?
“I don't know,” Sharon said, stepping into her jeans. She put on her sweater over her bra, it was getting warm outside and she wondered if she should change before going to class. “You'd never love me...”
“You're cruel, just like she is,” Amanda said.
“Who are you to tell me I'm cruel?” Sharon asked, heading over to the dresser and taking a few rubber bands to put her long hair into a ponytail.
“I guess I must have misjudged you.”
“What do you want me to say?” Sharon didn't look over her shoulder as she slipped out of the dorm room. Her legs were shaking as she closed the door behind her, and she had to lean against the wall to keep her balance.
This is how I lost my virginity? she thought. To the spiteful plaything of a woman I can't even have as a lover?
“Consider tonight as a gift,” Sharon whispered clenching her fists and pressing her hands against her eyes. She put her hands down and looked over to see the stained glass angel at the end of the hall.
Her blue gowns glowed with the sunlight, the cracked glass marring her face and giving her the appearance of being scarred. The sun made her white wings burn like golden flames.
Sharon tried her best to compose herself and headed for the stairwell.
Outside it looked sunny and warm, but there still was a crisp chill from the day before. She somewhat regretted not dressing warmer as she headed to class. It was midmorning between classes and she could see small crowds gathering under the trees to talk and study, or sitting together on the benches.
The end of the week and the sunlight seemed to put everyone in a better mood. Springtime was always a time for couples and new love-or rediscovered love in some cases. Relationships weren't very common at the school, and Sharon wondered how she had managed to get herself caught up.
Sharon thought about what Laura had said the night before. She seemed somewhat nonchalant about the entire affair, and Sharon couldn't feel an ever growing guilt over what she had done.
I wanted to spend the night with someone, and I didn't care who it had been. It could have just as easily been Laura. She wished that it had been Laura.
How selfish of me, Sharon thought, biting her thumb.
But it had felt so wonderful. Amanda was an amazing lover. She had spent the entire night devoted to her, doing all she could for her. Every touch of her hands, every kiss of her lips felt as if she had known Sharon her entire life.
Sharon was clumsy, inept. She had never made love to another before, and even if she was a girl-somehow that didn't translate well to her first time.
Yet as good as it had felt it was purely physical, and they had just used each other.
“It's simple, they want sex and I want to fuck them.”
That's what she had said on that beautiful day...
Spring was colder further north.
Sharon grabbed the hem of her plaid skirt as the wind caught the edge and flashed her panties, she cried out and looked around to see if anyone was watching-but it was just the two of them on the dirt path.
Elise walked ahead of her, dressed in her green and black plaid jumper and navy blazer. Her long amber hair glowed in the sunlight that was shining down through the canopy of blooming pear and cherry trees.
Pink and white petals swirled across the ground like snow, gathering in their hair and sticking to their clothes.
“I don't mind,” Elise turned around, she was smiling and the dimples were showing in her cheeks.
It was Sharon's senior year in private school, just before she had gone to college. She just wanted to pick up her best friend, Elise to give a ride home. The two were like sisters, going just about everywhere together.
Yet Sharon was running early and walked in Elise giving a blowjob to one of the guys on the track team in a deserted corner of the cafeteria. In the light coming in through the drawn venetian blinds she couldn't even see her, ducking under the table with her face in his lap...
Her stomach turned when Elise raised her head.
Elise was a self-proclaimed wild girl, and just about any rumor of who she was fucking at the time was probably true. At first she'd just mess around once or twice a month, but then Sharon was finding that Elise was spending less and less time with her and more hanging out with guys and girls she'd fuck and then leave.
“But you're not going out with them?” Sharon asked, running after her on the dirt walk.
“Oh, God no,” Elise giggled. “Don't you just want to be fucked some times?”
Sharon stared down at the ground.
Elise laughed. “You're so sweet,” she said. “I bet you want your first time to be special, magical...” Her cheerful expression changed and just became vacant. “All we really want to do on this world is to screw one another.”
“That's not true,” Sharon said.
“Just try to enjoy yourself,” Elise said. “Because the moment and the person will never be right. And when you're all alone, you'll just want someone to fill that void.”
“Have you ever loved anyone?”
“I've loved but haven't been loved back, or I've been the subject of unrequited love,” Elise said, walking up to Sharon and embracing her. “You don't need to be in love to have sex with someone, silly.”
Sharon looked away, but Elise grabbed her chin turned her face towards her.
“Would you let me kiss you with lips that were just around someone's cock?” Elise asked.
Sharon closed her eyes, unable to turn away, unable to resist. She loved it when Elise kissed her, even if it turned her stomach when she thought about where that mouth of hers had been.
“That's my girl,” Elise said, grinning.
I loved her, Sharon thought as she stared up at the sun. But she didn't love me. I couldn't have her the way I wanted her-as a lover and as a friend. I was scared that she'd just use me and ruin everything.
So instead I just let her slip through my fingers.
Would I wind up just like Amanda if I had stayed with her? Is that all what Laura wants from me?
She hadn't spoken with Elise since they had parted ways at graduation. Elise had promised to stay in touch through email, and to even visit Sharon over summers and spring break-but that had been years ago. The daily emails became weekly, and the visits never panned out. She had faded away, just like those blossoms on a windy day.
“Oh, Elise,” Sharon whispered. “You would have loved the person I was last night.”
The Biochem exam was easy. Sharon realized that her studying had been excessive as she managed to hurry through the multiple choice test and aced all of the fill in the blanks sections for the enzymatic pathways and products.
It was a brief distraction and being her last midterm she suddenly had the entire day to herself, and was left with her thoughts on how she was going to deal with the decisions she had made in the past few hours. Part of her wanted to go back to Amanda and make love to her again, just lose herself in the moment.
Was falling in love just a lie? Would Laura just use her the same way?
She didn't have much choice in the matter as the blinding sun hit her eyes when she stepped out of the sciences building. And when her eyes readjusted to the light she saw her standing there.
“Hi,” Laura said. She was waiting for her, dressed in a skimpy rose-print summer dress. She took off her sunglasses and smiled brightly.
Chapter Five (Part I)
Abuse
Sharon slipped her panties on, looking over her shoulder at Amanda. She had to hurry to get to her Biochem exam. It was Friday-the entire week had passed her by in a blur. Her skin was a little wet from her hasty shower and she hadn't had time to dry her hair.
Her mind was a mess of thoughts, both from her upcoming exam to her conversation with Laura the night before. She felt ill that she couldn't have pulled herself away from Amanda's arms, that it had felt so good.
“What are you going to do?” Amanda asked, pulling the covers over herself. “You can't have us both.”
She felt cold this morning.
“Please be kind to her. Please love her as much as I do,” Amanda's words echoed in Sharon's mind. Had she already admitted defeat? Was she just a prize in this sick game?
“I don't know,” Sharon said, stepping into her jeans. She put on her sweater over her bra, it was getting warm outside and she wondered if she should change before going to class. “You'd never love me...”
“You're cruel, just like she is,” Amanda said.
“Who are you to tell me I'm cruel?” Sharon asked, heading over to the dresser and taking a few rubber bands to put her long hair into a ponytail.
“I guess I must have misjudged you.”
“What do you want me to say?” Sharon didn't look over her shoulder as she slipped out of the dorm room. Her legs were shaking as she closed the door behind her, and she had to lean against the wall to keep her balance.
This is how I lost my virginity? she thought. To the spiteful plaything of a woman I can't even have as a lover?
“Consider tonight as a gift,” Sharon whispered clenching her fists and pressing her hands against her eyes. She put her hands down and looked over to see the stained glass angel at the end of the hall.
Her blue gowns glowed with the sunlight, the cracked glass marring her face and giving her the appearance of being scarred. The sun made her white wings burn like golden flames.
Sharon tried her best to compose herself and headed for the stairwell.
Outside it looked sunny and warm, but there still was a crisp chill from the day before. She somewhat regretted not dressing warmer as she headed to class. It was midmorning between classes and she could see small crowds gathering under the trees to talk and study, or sitting together on the benches.
The end of the week and the sunlight seemed to put everyone in a better mood. Springtime was always a time for couples and new love-or rediscovered love in some cases. Relationships weren't very common at the school, and Sharon wondered how she had managed to get herself caught up.
Sharon thought about what Laura had said the night before. She seemed somewhat nonchalant about the entire affair, and Sharon couldn't feel an ever growing guilt over what she had done.
I wanted to spend the night with someone, and I didn't care who it had been. It could have just as easily been Laura. She wished that it had been Laura.
How selfish of me, Sharon thought, biting her thumb.
But it had felt so wonderful. Amanda was an amazing lover. She had spent the entire night devoted to her, doing all she could for her. Every touch of her hands, every kiss of her lips felt as if she had known Sharon her entire life.
Sharon was clumsy, inept. She had never made love to another before, and even if she was a girl-somehow that didn't translate well to her first time.
Yet as good as it had felt it was purely physical, and they had just used each other.
“It's simple, they want sex and I want to fuck them.”
That's what she had said on that beautiful day...
Spring was colder further north.
Sharon grabbed the hem of her plaid skirt as the wind caught the edge and flashed her panties, she cried out and looked around to see if anyone was watching-but it was just the two of them on the dirt path.
Elise walked ahead of her, dressed in her green and black plaid jumper and navy blazer. Her long amber hair glowed in the sunlight that was shining down through the canopy of blooming pear and cherry trees.
Pink and white petals swirled across the ground like snow, gathering in their hair and sticking to their clothes.
“I don't mind,” Elise turned around, she was smiling and the dimples were showing in her cheeks.
It was Sharon's senior year in private school, just before she had gone to college. She just wanted to pick up her best friend, Elise to give a ride home. The two were like sisters, going just about everywhere together.
Yet Sharon was running early and walked in Elise giving a blowjob to one of the guys on the track team in a deserted corner of the cafeteria. In the light coming in through the drawn venetian blinds she couldn't even see her, ducking under the table with her face in his lap...
Her stomach turned when Elise raised her head.
Elise was a self-proclaimed wild girl, and just about any rumor of who she was fucking at the time was probably true. At first she'd just mess around once or twice a month, but then Sharon was finding that Elise was spending less and less time with her and more hanging out with guys and girls she'd fuck and then leave.
“But you're not going out with them?” Sharon asked, running after her on the dirt walk.
“Oh, God no,” Elise giggled. “Don't you just want to be fucked some times?”
Sharon stared down at the ground.
Elise laughed. “You're so sweet,” she said. “I bet you want your first time to be special, magical...” Her cheerful expression changed and just became vacant. “All we really want to do on this world is to screw one another.”
“That's not true,” Sharon said.
“Just try to enjoy yourself,” Elise said. “Because the moment and the person will never be right. And when you're all alone, you'll just want someone to fill that void.”
“Have you ever loved anyone?”
“I've loved but haven't been loved back, or I've been the subject of unrequited love,” Elise said, walking up to Sharon and embracing her. “You don't need to be in love to have sex with someone, silly.”
Sharon looked away, but Elise grabbed her chin turned her face towards her.
“Would you let me kiss you with lips that were just around someone's cock?” Elise asked.
Sharon closed her eyes, unable to turn away, unable to resist. She loved it when Elise kissed her, even if it turned her stomach when she thought about where that mouth of hers had been.
“That's my girl,” Elise said, grinning.
I loved her, Sharon thought as she stared up at the sun. But she didn't love me. I couldn't have her the way I wanted her-as a lover and as a friend. I was scared that she'd just use me and ruin everything.
So instead I just let her slip through my fingers.
Would I wind up just like Amanda if I had stayed with her? Is that all what Laura wants from me?
She hadn't spoken with Elise since they had parted ways at graduation. Elise had promised to stay in touch through email, and to even visit Sharon over summers and spring break-but that had been years ago. The daily emails became weekly, and the visits never panned out. She had faded away, just like those blossoms on a windy day.
“Oh, Elise,” Sharon whispered. “You would have loved the person I was last night.”
The Biochem exam was easy. Sharon realized that her studying had been excessive as she managed to hurry through the multiple choice test and aced all of the fill in the blanks sections for the enzymatic pathways and products.
It was a brief distraction and being her last midterm she suddenly had the entire day to herself, and was left with her thoughts on how she was going to deal with the decisions she had made in the past few hours. Part of her wanted to go back to Amanda and make love to her again, just lose herself in the moment.
Was falling in love just a lie? Would Laura just use her the same way?
She didn't have much choice in the matter as the blinding sun hit her eyes when she stepped out of the sciences building. And when her eyes readjusted to the light she saw her standing there.
“Hi,” Laura said. She was waiting for her, dressed in a skimpy rose-print summer dress. She took off her sunglasses and smiled brightly.