Changes Ahoy
This year, as far as school goes, is really just been an exercise in teaching Bean to go to school at a higher level. If he walks away from the whole year with 1/4 credit we'll be doing good. His anxiety is so bad that it manifests physically. Normally gastero-intestinal problems. But he also got pneumonia this year, mono, and every virus du jour on the freaking planet.
I take partial responsibility for him having such a hard year. It's hard to be the double parent such a kid as Bean needs and work full time and go to school full time and begin to change your own life.
Yes, in 7 days I no longer will have my job. It has become clear that for all the "good" we thought it was doing it really cost us in so many ways, including my stress level and poor health as a result of the former and more critically, Bean's floundering.
We see his pDoc today. it will be the last time we see her because in 10 days, we won't have insurance that she will accept, because I will be leaving full-time employ and be a full-time mom and freelance writer. So I'm on the hunt for a new pDoc. I need to look at a list of acceptable providers for my husband's insurance.
But, I'm hoping she'll set him up for a few months medication wise until we can transition to someone new.
He has been very agitated lately. His sleep habits have been for shit. His food habits have been for shit. As a logical consequence, he's having more bad days than good. He's missing a dose of meds here and there. I've given him the guidance; I've taught him repeatedly how all these things will multiply until he feels out of control. He appears to not care, but part of me know he just isn't operating like that -- it's more his brain saying "get up; go eat; fuck those meds, you feel fine."
We had a bad Friday and Saturday. I missed a meeting because I was dealing with him on Friday. Raging. Hateful. Throwing shit around, Slamming and Banging. Only verbal self harm -- no physical. But, I was in constant deescalation mode. it was exhausting. Then he pulled it (and when I say that I don't mean to imply that he did it purposefully) another fit on Saturday morning. I just couldn't help him de-escalate. I couldn't reassure him, help him. And I dropped a bomb on him. But it seems to have made him more aware of his behavior and trying to cope better. I told him I was reaching an end of my abilities, patience, energy. If he didn't start working harder than we would have to look at sending him back to Children's and looking for long-term care.
I felt awful afterwards. The emotion of so much stress and then dealing with Bean on top of it and I cracked. But, like I said, he has been doing good, for the most part, since then.
I've had to ask the school to test him again. Because the 504/IEP we have now is NOT working. Which when I look at it, makes sense. He's at a different level now. And I'm unsure any more what are his diagnosises showing and what is a potential drug reaction.
He's still on:
Lamictal
BusPirone
Trazadone
Risperidone
Clonidine
and
Serataline
I still look at that and say...it's too fucking much. But, then I look back at when he wasn't taking any meds or just a few and it wasn't enough then.
It's still distressing as a parent to see...and like when we go to our family doctor for some sort of ailment, like when Bean broke his foot a few weeks ago...they all say "wow, that's a lot of medication."
So, changes. New doc forthcoming. And Mom home with him all the time. It's going to be a painful transition, I know. Hopefully it will be worth it.
Any and all comments would be greatly appreciated today. I'm feeling my age and 15 years of struggle today and worried about the future. Tell me I can keep keeping on. Please.
I take partial responsibility for him having such a hard year. It's hard to be the double parent such a kid as Bean needs and work full time and go to school full time and begin to change your own life.
Yes, in 7 days I no longer will have my job. It has become clear that for all the "good" we thought it was doing it really cost us in so many ways, including my stress level and poor health as a result of the former and more critically, Bean's floundering.
We see his pDoc today. it will be the last time we see her because in 10 days, we won't have insurance that she will accept, because I will be leaving full-time employ and be a full-time mom and freelance writer. So I'm on the hunt for a new pDoc. I need to look at a list of acceptable providers for my husband's insurance.
But, I'm hoping she'll set him up for a few months medication wise until we can transition to someone new.
He has been very agitated lately. His sleep habits have been for shit. His food habits have been for shit. As a logical consequence, he's having more bad days than good. He's missing a dose of meds here and there. I've given him the guidance; I've taught him repeatedly how all these things will multiply until he feels out of control. He appears to not care, but part of me know he just isn't operating like that -- it's more his brain saying "get up; go eat; fuck those meds, you feel fine."
We had a bad Friday and Saturday. I missed a meeting because I was dealing with him on Friday. Raging. Hateful. Throwing shit around, Slamming and Banging. Only verbal self harm -- no physical. But, I was in constant deescalation mode. it was exhausting. Then he pulled it (and when I say that I don't mean to imply that he did it purposefully) another fit on Saturday morning. I just couldn't help him de-escalate. I couldn't reassure him, help him. And I dropped a bomb on him. But it seems to have made him more aware of his behavior and trying to cope better. I told him I was reaching an end of my abilities, patience, energy. If he didn't start working harder than we would have to look at sending him back to Children's and looking for long-term care.
I felt awful afterwards. The emotion of so much stress and then dealing with Bean on top of it and I cracked. But, like I said, he has been doing good, for the most part, since then.
I've had to ask the school to test him again. Because the 504/IEP we have now is NOT working. Which when I look at it, makes sense. He's at a different level now. And I'm unsure any more what are his diagnosises showing and what is a potential drug reaction.
He's still on:
Lamictal
BusPirone
Trazadone
Risperidone
Clonidine
and
Serataline
I still look at that and say...it's too fucking much. But, then I look back at when he wasn't taking any meds or just a few and it wasn't enough then.
It's still distressing as a parent to see...and like when we go to our family doctor for some sort of ailment, like when Bean broke his foot a few weeks ago...they all say "wow, that's a lot of medication."
So, changes. New doc forthcoming. And Mom home with him all the time. It's going to be a painful transition, I know. Hopefully it will be worth it.
Any and all comments would be greatly appreciated today. I'm feeling my age and 15 years of struggle today and worried about the future. Tell me I can keep keeping on. Please.