Bad Spike as School Starts...
And I figured we'd have some issues as School started. Tuesday and Wednesday night Bean wasn't doing well. He was edgy and wouldn't shower. Thursday his class as whole took a 5-mile hike and wa-la, he was just the perfect son Thursday afternoon. Of course, Wednesday night he had to tangle with his Dad. /sigh. My hubby continues to be unable to unemotionally deal with Bean. He threw mental debris at us calling us Jerks, because we wouldn't let him stay up later. And once again, I have to ask hubby to remove himself from the situation because he just adds fuel to Bean's brain's inability to function even basically when emotion is involved. After I finally had Bean calmed down and sleeping (:45 minutes later after asking Hubby to 'go to bed' himself), hubby and I had probably conversation #121 regarding his inability to interact with Bean in the height of an episode w/o amping up the emotion. He feels its unfair of me to ask him to not interject when I am handling and he perceives that I'm being mistreated. I reiterated that much of it is mental debris, Bean's efforts, however offensive, to get to a point where he can appropriately interact and function. Again the episode was sparked by Bean's inability to transition and being overly tired from the first two days of school. We went over again Bean's trouble spots and lagging skills (much caused by his cognitive learning delay and made worse by being bipolar:
*Difficulty handling transitions, shifting from one mindset or task to another (aka shifting cognitive set)
* Difficulting doing things in a logical sequence or prescribed order
* Difficulty persisting on challenging or tedious tasks
*Poor sense of time
*Difficulty reflecting on multiple thoughts or ideas simultaneously (so if I'm 'handling Bean' and hubby jumps in, his brain powers down)
*Difficulty maintaing focus for goal-directed problem-solving
*Difficulty considering the likely outcomes or consequences of actions (Impulsive = calling Dad a Jerk)
*Difficulty considering a range of solutions to a problem
*Difficulty understanding what is being said (although he's getting better at this with age...)
*Difficulty managing emotional response to frustration so as to think rationally (seperation of affect...)
*Chronic irrtability and/or anxiety significantly impede capacity for problem-solving
*Difficulty seeing the "grays" but rather has concrete, literal and black-and-white thinking
*Difficulty deviating from original plan, rules or routine
*Difficulty handling unpredictability, ambiguity, uncertainity, novelty (we had a second dog in the house as a trial check to see if the dog we're considering adopting was really house trained...Bean was thoroughly uncomfortable with the situation because the dog really wasn't ours...)
*Difficulty shifting from original idea or solution/adapting to changes in plan or new rules (why he used to freak out when I'd take a different route home because of traffic or just a desire for new scenery...)
*Inflexible, inaccurate interpretations/cognitive distortions or biases (e.g. Everyone is out to get me; Nobody likes me...You always blame me, and what we heard Wednesday night: "It's not Fair!")
*Difficulty interpreting social cues
*Difficulty starting conversations, entering groups, lacks basic social skills (telling the girl in the neighborhood that has crushed on him for 3 years that 'I don't want to hang out with you right now')
*Seeks attention in inappropriate ways (we get less of this now that he's on meds, but used to be a HUGE problem)
*Difficulty appreciateing how his/her behavior is affecting other people
*Difficulty empathizing with others; appreciating others points of view (less now that he's medicated, but if he gets a spike in his chemistry -- his brain decides to overload him with dopamine after not having any for hours -- it's really bad) or how he's coming across to others
And it's not that Bean doesn't want to behave within societal/home norms. Sometimes he simply cannot. He has all the desire in the world. And thank goodness he's really actually highly intelligent even given his disorder and learning disability. Because he's overcome so much in a short 13 years. So, I try desperately to explain that to hubby. He truly feels like I'm cutting off his legs as far as his ability to parent Bean-- but yelling, doubling punishment in nanoseconds, saying things like 'bring it on,' when Bean is in the midst of an episode do not help. They do nothing but escalate his inability to calm down and think clearly. So, yes, I told him, if I'm home and Bean needs to be dealt with -- it's me that will have the lead. That is until he can learn by watching me and how I help him calm down. I don't accept inappropriate behavior, but I work with Bean's abilities to get him there. It may take a minute to get Pnut or Tank to respond to normal directions, whereas Bean might take 10 during calm times, and up to nearly an hour -- like Wednesday night -- when he's in the middle of a meltdown. I also explained to hubby that Bean, like any male child determines his self worth from the males in his life, primarily the father or father figure. So his bio father was a complete waste of human skin, which didn't help Bean for many years. So now for the last 5 years, his step-dad has been really actually a good role model (even given his difficulties learning to parent his high-needs step-son) as a loving, generous, intelligent, stable man. So, if Bean perceives that every interaction with his stepdad is going to be a conflict, he'll stop identifying with him and look for another role model. And god knows who that might be with Bean's inability to realize what's what at times. So, I explained to Tiger (hubby) that it was critical to me that he be that role model. He was really quiet during most of this. He stopped arguing. So, hopefully it's sinking in.
And like I said, Bean was just perfect child on Thursday. Our 20-year-old's birthday celebration was yesterday and I came home to a completely trashed house after work (everyone else had woken up late and the dishwasher hadn't been run the night before on accident...) and w/o me saying anything Bean started loading the dishwasher and cleaning up the kitchen so I could make the birthday dinner without problems and rallied his younger siblings to 'help mom.'
Today he's hiking the trails with one of his classmate friends. And before he left said he promised to cut the grass when he got home later today.
The BiPolar Express is most certainly still a stop at our house, but, we're dealing. Baby sis, Pnut, is in counseling because she's getting lots of flack in middle school because of her 'retarded' brother -- the school she's attending is where Bean had a complete melt down in the middle of the school and scared a lot of kids and staff members. And where the whole new school thing started. So it was a bad scene that opened up the door for positive changes for Bean; but, poor Pnut is getting harrassed about it even a year later. Kids have such elephant memories.
And the insurance is trying to deny claims saying Bean's reached his cap for Pdoc and counselor. Yeah, they don't know who they're fucking messing with....and I've written my local reps and senators as well as the white house to make sure that any health care reform MUST have mental health an integral part of it. How you think determines how you feel. If you feel like shit, you'll be physically shit. It's so important.
So, we battle on. Should be an interesting school year. Bean said they told him he could start taking High School classes next semester if he so chooses. He said he wants to take cooking as an elective. As part of the 5-mile hike I told you about, they picked blackberries and he's going to show me how to make blackberry jam. So, as you can see, he's doing good. A slip here and there is expected (I think hubby forgot that...).
I continue to do everything I can to help my son be OK.
*Difficulty handling transitions, shifting from one mindset or task to another (aka shifting cognitive set)
* Difficulting doing things in a logical sequence or prescribed order
* Difficulty persisting on challenging or tedious tasks
*Poor sense of time
*Difficulty reflecting on multiple thoughts or ideas simultaneously (so if I'm 'handling Bean' and hubby jumps in, his brain powers down)
*Difficulty maintaing focus for goal-directed problem-solving
*Difficulty considering the likely outcomes or consequences of actions (Impulsive = calling Dad a Jerk)
*Difficulty considering a range of solutions to a problem
*Difficulty understanding what is being said (although he's getting better at this with age...)
*Difficulty managing emotional response to frustration so as to think rationally (seperation of affect...)
*Chronic irrtability and/or anxiety significantly impede capacity for problem-solving
*Difficulty seeing the "grays" but rather has concrete, literal and black-and-white thinking
*Difficulty deviating from original plan, rules or routine
*Difficulty handling unpredictability, ambiguity, uncertainity, novelty (we had a second dog in the house as a trial check to see if the dog we're considering adopting was really house trained...Bean was thoroughly uncomfortable with the situation because the dog really wasn't ours...)
*Difficulty shifting from original idea or solution/adapting to changes in plan or new rules (why he used to freak out when I'd take a different route home because of traffic or just a desire for new scenery...)
*Inflexible, inaccurate interpretations/cognitive distortions or biases (e.g. Everyone is out to get me; Nobody likes me...You always blame me, and what we heard Wednesday night: "It's not Fair!")
*Difficulty interpreting social cues
*Difficulty starting conversations, entering groups, lacks basic social skills (telling the girl in the neighborhood that has crushed on him for 3 years that 'I don't want to hang out with you right now')
*Seeks attention in inappropriate ways (we get less of this now that he's on meds, but used to be a HUGE problem)
*Difficulty appreciateing how his/her behavior is affecting other people
*Difficulty empathizing with others; appreciating others points of view (less now that he's medicated, but if he gets a spike in his chemistry -- his brain decides to overload him with dopamine after not having any for hours -- it's really bad) or how he's coming across to others
And it's not that Bean doesn't want to behave within societal/home norms. Sometimes he simply cannot. He has all the desire in the world. And thank goodness he's really actually highly intelligent even given his disorder and learning disability. Because he's overcome so much in a short 13 years. So, I try desperately to explain that to hubby. He truly feels like I'm cutting off his legs as far as his ability to parent Bean-- but yelling, doubling punishment in nanoseconds, saying things like 'bring it on,' when Bean is in the midst of an episode do not help. They do nothing but escalate his inability to calm down and think clearly. So, yes, I told him, if I'm home and Bean needs to be dealt with -- it's me that will have the lead. That is until he can learn by watching me and how I help him calm down. I don't accept inappropriate behavior, but I work with Bean's abilities to get him there. It may take a minute to get Pnut or Tank to respond to normal directions, whereas Bean might take 10 during calm times, and up to nearly an hour -- like Wednesday night -- when he's in the middle of a meltdown. I also explained to hubby that Bean, like any male child determines his self worth from the males in his life, primarily the father or father figure. So his bio father was a complete waste of human skin, which didn't help Bean for many years. So now for the last 5 years, his step-dad has been really actually a good role model (even given his difficulties learning to parent his high-needs step-son) as a loving, generous, intelligent, stable man. So, if Bean perceives that every interaction with his stepdad is going to be a conflict, he'll stop identifying with him and look for another role model. And god knows who that might be with Bean's inability to realize what's what at times. So, I explained to Tiger (hubby) that it was critical to me that he be that role model. He was really quiet during most of this. He stopped arguing. So, hopefully it's sinking in.
And like I said, Bean was just perfect child on Thursday. Our 20-year-old's birthday celebration was yesterday and I came home to a completely trashed house after work (everyone else had woken up late and the dishwasher hadn't been run the night before on accident...) and w/o me saying anything Bean started loading the dishwasher and cleaning up the kitchen so I could make the birthday dinner without problems and rallied his younger siblings to 'help mom.'
Today he's hiking the trails with one of his classmate friends. And before he left said he promised to cut the grass when he got home later today.
The BiPolar Express is most certainly still a stop at our house, but, we're dealing. Baby sis, Pnut, is in counseling because she's getting lots of flack in middle school because of her 'retarded' brother -- the school she's attending is where Bean had a complete melt down in the middle of the school and scared a lot of kids and staff members. And where the whole new school thing started. So it was a bad scene that opened up the door for positive changes for Bean; but, poor Pnut is getting harrassed about it even a year later. Kids have such elephant memories.
And the insurance is trying to deny claims saying Bean's reached his cap for Pdoc and counselor. Yeah, they don't know who they're fucking messing with....and I've written my local reps and senators as well as the white house to make sure that any health care reform MUST have mental health an integral part of it. How you think determines how you feel. If you feel like shit, you'll be physically shit. It's so important.
So, we battle on. Should be an interesting school year. Bean said they told him he could start taking High School classes next semester if he so chooses. He said he wants to take cooking as an elective. As part of the 5-mile hike I told you about, they picked blackberries and he's going to show me how to make blackberry jam. So, as you can see, he's doing good. A slip here and there is expected (I think hubby forgot that...).
I continue to do everything I can to help my son be OK.