Sunday Bloody Sunday
Well so much for SUNday since it's raining but I think it fits my mood so I'm down with the rain this time. Morose and frustrated and full and needing a release. Vent. All I can think of is my hands and the terrible appearance and how hard it is to work when all day long people ask "ew what happenend to your hands?" and I just say I burned myself. They're healing up though, all the fluid is gone and the scabs are starting to form. The ring finger monster blister is really bad though...the skin has peeled up and when you look underneath you see my bone. It looks like my finger got bombed. Radical! Good thing I like pain and blood and fleshy wounds.
Friday night we had a party at my house. It was cool but a lot of people we didn't know showed up and were being jerkoffs. And when we asked people to leave they hung around and wouldn't listen to me asking them nicely to get out. So these two guys were being all sexist and gross making rude, degrading comments towards me----and I took most all my agression out on them: "You know what, fuck you guys!!!FUCK YOU- I DON'T KNOW YOU- I ASKED YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE- SO GET OUT!" It felt really good. And within 30 seconds of my explosion all 20-some of the cholos left. I'm so sick of people's bull shit. Haha and to top it off I walked downstairs to go to my room and saw Edy making out with Francesca who he dated last summer. I guess he and his GF broke up, but still....how sleezy. And when he saw me he jumped like 5 feet from her, I just laughed and walked into my room. I don't say anything to him, I never smile back. And still he walks by and touches my arm, smiling and saying "Whats up?". FUCK YOU. That's a true womanizer.
Last night was another night out with the lezzies. We went to a big party full of mostly scene kids and hippies. It was kinda strange, and it could have used a DJ but I had a pretty good time, got to dance (though my back is killing me lately) and see folks I haven't seen in a while. I don't like distance, but I also feel so uncomfortable around "friends" that I stay in my own world, stick to the 'if they call me and wanna kick it then cool' policy. Drama still oozes out of Team Gay and I still want nothing to do with it. Though I made the mistake of telling someone about who I find really cute and so I'll probably have to accept those consequences. Having a crush is harmless. Don't blow it up into something big, something to talk about, or something news-worthy. It's just a little crush, not like I faint every time we touch. Besides, she's not an option, so pretty much me saying she's cute is about as interesting as me saying I really like the color green. Ok, cool.?.
And to set the record straight, yes I saw him kissing her, no I don't care, it didn't hurt or piss me off...it actually turned me on quite a bit. Just more sexual frustration. Furthermore, I'm not trying to get with Nikki, since last night I was getting these jealous vibes from gillian. I guess she's afraid of getting dumped for one of Nikki's friends...which is understandable. But it ain't gonna be me, so don't worry.
I feel undesirable, and I can't understand why. I'm just looking for a friend with benefits, I just want a make out buddy! It shouldn't be so hard. I spend all week being sexually harrassed at work, having guys saying such crude, disgusting things, degrading me and making me into something for them to look at and get hard from. All these strangers tell me they can't believe I'm not taken, like it's a choice of mine. Well it's not, I'm fucking lonely all the time. Haven't had a relationship in a year. I don't want one either, but I have to confess it'd be really nice for someone to LIKE me. Not want to fuck me, but actually like me...and it'd be even better if I liked them back. However in this backwards life, the more you want it, the further it gets from you.
Time to go hang out with Kay and try to make this skirt for Vagina Monologues. I'm now gonna be singing acapella, but I feel a lot better about my piece and much more secure. I'm gonna blow in a good (but non sexual) way, haha. I want to be irresistably good, just gotta make it work!
Friday night we had a party at my house. It was cool but a lot of people we didn't know showed up and were being jerkoffs. And when we asked people to leave they hung around and wouldn't listen to me asking them nicely to get out. So these two guys were being all sexist and gross making rude, degrading comments towards me----and I took most all my agression out on them: "You know what, fuck you guys!!!FUCK YOU- I DON'T KNOW YOU- I ASKED YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE- SO GET OUT!" It felt really good. And within 30 seconds of my explosion all 20-some of the cholos left. I'm so sick of people's bull shit. Haha and to top it off I walked downstairs to go to my room and saw Edy making out with Francesca who he dated last summer. I guess he and his GF broke up, but still....how sleezy. And when he saw me he jumped like 5 feet from her, I just laughed and walked into my room. I don't say anything to him, I never smile back. And still he walks by and touches my arm, smiling and saying "Whats up?". FUCK YOU. That's a true womanizer.
Last night was another night out with the lezzies. We went to a big party full of mostly scene kids and hippies. It was kinda strange, and it could have used a DJ but I had a pretty good time, got to dance (though my back is killing me lately) and see folks I haven't seen in a while. I don't like distance, but I also feel so uncomfortable around "friends" that I stay in my own world, stick to the 'if they call me and wanna kick it then cool' policy. Drama still oozes out of Team Gay and I still want nothing to do with it. Though I made the mistake of telling someone about who I find really cute and so I'll probably have to accept those consequences. Having a crush is harmless. Don't blow it up into something big, something to talk about, or something news-worthy. It's just a little crush, not like I faint every time we touch. Besides, she's not an option, so pretty much me saying she's cute is about as interesting as me saying I really like the color green. Ok, cool.?.
And to set the record straight, yes I saw him kissing her, no I don't care, it didn't hurt or piss me off...it actually turned me on quite a bit. Just more sexual frustration. Furthermore, I'm not trying to get with Nikki, since last night I was getting these jealous vibes from gillian. I guess she's afraid of getting dumped for one of Nikki's friends...which is understandable. But it ain't gonna be me, so don't worry.
I feel undesirable, and I can't understand why. I'm just looking for a friend with benefits, I just want a make out buddy! It shouldn't be so hard. I spend all week being sexually harrassed at work, having guys saying such crude, disgusting things, degrading me and making me into something for them to look at and get hard from. All these strangers tell me they can't believe I'm not taken, like it's a choice of mine. Well it's not, I'm fucking lonely all the time. Haven't had a relationship in a year. I don't want one either, but I have to confess it'd be really nice for someone to LIKE me. Not want to fuck me, but actually like me...and it'd be even better if I liked them back. However in this backwards life, the more you want it, the further it gets from you.
Time to go hang out with Kay and try to make this skirt for Vagina Monologues. I'm now gonna be singing acapella, but I feel a lot better about my piece and much more secure. I'm gonna blow in a good (but non sexual) way, haha. I want to be irresistably good, just gotta make it work!