(no subject)
- I started seeing a new therapist this summer. She's the harshest I've ever had, which is kind of what I need.
- Sometimes I feel like my problem is having problems, because I'll feel fine and stable and then I'm reminded of how truly fucked up I am. And I can't say, "Whatever, who cares, I'll do what I want." I can't. Because I feel like I can't make my own choices without everyone, including my family, saying "Yeah, that sounds great" and secretly suspecting that it won't work out. I can't listen to anyone's advice about ~following my bliss or whatever because I just don't want to try. I used to be so adventurous 4 or 5 or 6 years ago, and now I can't entertain the same flights of fancy. (It's not a matter of what people think. It's a matter of what people refuse to say.)
- My therapist started throwing around the word "abuse" during my first appointment to describe situations I never applied it to. She started our first appointment by saying, "Wow, you've been through a lot" before even introducing herself, and later said, "If words were fists, you would have spent [a long time] trying to hide your bruises," And. It kind of left me depressed for a solid two weeks. Because. Well. Fuck it, she's right.
- I don't really remember how to journal.
- Sometimes I feel like my problem is having problems, because I'll feel fine and stable and then I'm reminded of how truly fucked up I am. And I can't say, "Whatever, who cares, I'll do what I want." I can't. Because I feel like I can't make my own choices without everyone, including my family, saying "Yeah, that sounds great" and secretly suspecting that it won't work out. I can't listen to anyone's advice about ~following my bliss or whatever because I just don't want to try. I used to be so adventurous 4 or 5 or 6 years ago, and now I can't entertain the same flights of fancy. (It's not a matter of what people think. It's a matter of what people refuse to say.)
- My therapist started throwing around the word "abuse" during my first appointment to describe situations I never applied it to. She started our first appointment by saying, "Wow, you've been through a lot" before even introducing herself, and later said, "If words were fists, you would have spent [a long time] trying to hide your bruises," And. It kind of left me depressed for a solid two weeks. Because. Well. Fuck it, she's right.
- I don't really remember how to journal.