But It Was Just How You Looked In the Light - 3/3
Title: But It Was Just How You Looked In the Light - 3/3
Author: minus_four
Rating: R
Pairing: Brendon Urie/Bryce Avary
POV: Third
Summary: Being with Bryce was kind of confusing, at times. Sure, he made Brendon feel loved, more loved than he really knew what to do with at this point in his life, but sometimes - and Brendon hated himself for thinking in that way - sometimes it was like it just wasn’t quite enough, not in some ways.
Disclaimer: Pretty sure Brendon and Bryce are not priests, nor ever tried to be, so rest assured none of this is real and I made it up.
Author's Notes: So, this is the prequel to my priestfic, which means Brendon going to theological college and... well, then there's Bryce.
[Part 1] [Part 2]
Being with Bryce was kind of confusing, at times. Sure, he made Brendon feel loved, more loved than he really knew what to do with at this point in his life, but sometimes - and Brendon hated himself for thinking in that way - sometimes it was like it just wasn’t quite enough, not in some ways.
For their second summer break, when he and Bryce had already been together for months; more than half a year even, Brendon had kind of assumed that he might have been invited to go home with Bryce, even for just a week or two, but he just wasn’t. Brendon tried not to put too much onto it, but he couldn’t help feeling strange about it somehow and yeah, pretty angry if he was honest with himself. Would it really have been so hard for Bryce to say ‘Hi Mom, hi Dad, this is my friend, Brendon?’
He didn’t want to make Bryce invite him, but at the same time he didn’t exactly love the idea of staying alone on campus again for weeks when he could have been with the guy he’s in love with instead; it just didn’t make sense in his head.
So, Brendon hinted. He never out and out asked Bryce, but a few weeks before the end of the semester he started talking about how weird it would be to not see Bryce for weeks, and that he didn’t know yet whether the Smoothie Hut were hiring him back since all the normal college students with longer breaks might have gotten in there first. After that, when the break started approaching fast, Brendon even started laying it on a little thicker, intentionally talking about how lonely he was the first summer and how great it is that Bryce has a family to go back to. He didn’t like trying to guilt Bryce into it, but a week before Bryce was leaving he was getting almost a little desperate.
Bryce, though… he just didn’t seem to get it.
Or he doesn’t want you to come home with him, a little voice in the back of Brendon’s head supplied, which… well, wasn’t exactly helpful. Brendon didn’t really want to think about that, because the only options that really provided was that Bryce didn’t want to spend that time with Brendon, or he was even… maybe even ashamed of him or something, and that just hurt Brendon’s head too much to think about, so he didn’t.
Instead he just… stopped mentioning it. Instead Brendon was just grateful when Bryce helped him get his summer job sorted and helped Bryce pack up his stuff and load it into his car when he left. Watching Bryce drive away that time was like the first one, but really it was worse because he felt like he was losing so much more this time, even if he wasn’t losing Bryce at all, really. He still couldn’t help feeling it.
It wasn’t like Brendon didn’t want to ask Bryce outright, but just that he really didn’t want the last time he saw Bryce for six weeks to end in some fight, or Bryce feeling bad or something. And besides, Brendon told himself time and time again as he headed back to their dorm room alone, it wasn’t like Bryce wouldn’t have a Good Reason for not inviting him back, so it wasn’t really an issue. It really, really wasn’t, or at least Brendon just about managed to convince himself that it wasn’t. The next day though, Brendon started counting days and wondering how many calls a day was too much.
The day Bryce got back that time was a whole two days before the year’s re-orientation meeting, and they didn’t leave their room for the entirety of that day. It had always been ‘their’ room technically, but now thinking about it that way seemed so much more significant to Brendon, just… different. In a good way though, Brendon thought to himself where he and Bryce were lying together on one of those tiny beds, no space at all in between their bodies, Brendon almost clinging to Bryce because phone calls were all well and good, but as much as Brendon had thought about it, he hadn’t realised quite how much he would miss just touching Bryce, just having moments like that one. There was also the whole going-six-weeks-without-sex thing, which - okay, so Brendon hadn’t been with anyone before Bryce, but once he got to experience sex, having to go without it had not been fun to say the very least.
Bryce didn’t say anything much about his time back home, and Brendon just couldn’t bring himself to bring up the subject too much now it was done with. They exchanged ‘I love you’s, maybe a dozen times throughout that first day, but for the first time Brendon couldn’t help but wonder.
It was pretty easy to push that stuff, even all his fears and insecurities, to the back of his mind though, given how great Bryce was the rest of the time; how they just fit right back into the way they were before, and then given how busy their final year was.
And it really was busy; classes getting more intense, all of them being given roles of more responsibility to try and prepare them for the real thing, and extra shadowing assignments on top of everything else. So busy in fact, that their relationship was often reduced to spending time together in the music room because neither of them wanted to let their music slip, and they just didn’t have that much free time anymore. It wasn’t exactly a bad way to be together, and Brendon definitely didn’t mind the certain memory being in the room always provoked in his mind; Bryce pushing him up against the piano and kissing him for the first time.
As hard work as the final year was working out to be, and as annoying as it was having a lot of assignments which separated himself and Bryce that year, it was all going to be worth it in the end. They were working towards something, and even though Brendon had had his doubts in the first year, he really felt like he was getting somewhere now, that they all were.
Time felt like it was going by far too quickly though. He was only twenty one, but now everything was ramping up to that goal, to actually being a priest, and everything just kind of felt more real somehow when it came time to start wearing the clothes. Maybe that was the point; making it feel real to them finally, making it sink in that this was really happening and in a couple of months it was going to be less theory and a whole lot more practice. Brendon actually couldn’t figure out whether he was more excited or terrified, but he assumed it was natural to feel a mixture of both in situations like that.
Although they wouldn’t technically be ordained until part way through their curacy, during their last semester of training they were going to start wearing the proper clerical clothing when they assisted with services and went through their final shadowing assignments, despite not actually having the responsibilities of being a priest yet. It was partly about just getting used to wearing the shirt and collar, and how it changed how other people saw you, but it was also about the same thing everything else was at that point. Their training was coming to a close in just a couple of months or so, and every class, every part of their preparation and every assessment now wasn’t just about learning, not anymore. It was about being ready.
They didn’t exactly have to go far. Seeing as it was a theological college connected to the local university, it was fairly logical that someone had opened a clerical supply type shop nearby. After all, whoever owned the store was guaranteed business every year at least from the graduating class, as well as possibly visiting lecturers and stuff. Since there wasn’t technically a specific date on which they all had to start wearing a shirt and dog collar everyone had been kind of drifting towards the store when they felt like it over the past couple of weeks, either in small groups or on their own.
Brendon was glad everyone else had decided to do that because when he and Bryce did much the same thing it wouldn’t seem weird, since everyone else had gone with friends too. Not that Brendon actually cared what it looked like. He only cared because he knew Bryce did. Brendon didn’t care if anyone guessed they were together. He’d make their relationship public if Bryce was okay with it, because he was kind of proud that he was with someone like Bryce, and he didn’t see why everyone shouldn’t know.
It wasn’t as though what they were doing was wrong. They weren’t Catholic, and the Church in general was much more accepting of a relationship like theirs these days, though of course there would still be a lot of individuals who weren’t, and Brendon supposed that was what Bryce was worried about. It still didn’t exactly help with those old insecurities he had concerning how Bryce actually felt about him. Brendon had sort of thought that as time went on and they grew closer, Bryce would maybe come around to the idea of going public with their relationship, but he just hadn’t. He never even mentioned it and Brendon had simply stopped mentioning it too after a while. Then again, considering what Brendon himself had lost because of his sexuality, he really couldn’t blame Bryce for being worried, so he tried to understand and always just told himself that it was enough just being with Bryce, whether other people knew about it or not. He even tried to make it seem as though it made everything more special, more intimate; just for them. It was hard though, and Brendon couldn’t help feeling weird about it, almost wary.
The small store mostly sold priest shirts (which were basically normal shirts except they had that part around the neck for the plastic collar) and the white dog collars, but they also stocked other things like crucifixes, candles, incense, plus a small amount of robes and things. It was the display of stoles, which were kind of like long scarves, that caught Brendon’s attention though. There were a lot of different colors for different kinds of service or celebrations, the different meanings referring to certain rituals. Some were simple, with just the colors and maybe a border, but others were intricately embroidered with patterns and symbols, some of them even telling stories. Brendon was transfixed by them, grazing his fingers across the silky material and tracing the stitching. He was still there when Bryce wandered over from the stack of shirts, holding a couple on hangers.
“See this one?” Brendon said without turning his head to look at Bryce when he saw him appear in his peripheral vision, his hand moving to trail across a white stole with some simple gold embroidery of a cross and two small rings to symbolise the union of marriage. “It’s nice, but I bet the reason it’s not too nice is because the priest doesn’t want to have to deal with some pretty pissed off bride saying he ‘stole focus’ or something,” he laughed.
“Well, I know I wouldn’t.” Bryce echoed the sound next to him, the smile still on his face as Brendon finally tore his eyes away from the pretty in front of him to look at Bryce. “I got the standard black,” he said, holding up the shirts, “and the blue. I’m gonna try them on.”
“Hey,” Brendon said just as Bryce started to turn to walk off towards the changing room out the back, making him pause. “I know we can’t, but if we could,” Brendon went on, lips beginning to quirk upwards in a smirk, “then would we be able to marry ourselves?” he laughed. “You know, like you’d say ‘Brendon, do you take me, Bryce, to be your lawfully wedded husband’ and I’d say ‘Bryce, do you take me, Brendon, this awesome, handsome, hugely talented - in so many ways - man, to be your -”
“Well. It’s -” Bryce began, cutting Brendon off as he turned to put the shirt back on its hanger. “It’s, uh, not something we need to think about really, not for long time, anyway, and…” he paused, smiling despite frowning slightly at the way Brendon was looking at him, a definite expression of bemusement on his features. “What is it, Urie?”
“You’re just cute when you get all flustered and stuff,” Brendon told him, an affectionate expression on his face. He wanted then, so badly wanted to kiss Bryce. It wouldn’t even have been an intimate kiss, just a peck, but he still couldn’t. And it killed him a little. “Don’t worry, I wasn’t like, proposing,” Brendon smirked. Except he maybe kind of was, just a little bit, just to see how Bryce might have reacted. A little. “Just wondering,” he shrugged, nudging Bryce’s shoulder with his own. “But it’s good to know I don’t need to worry about any engagements any time soon,” he said teasingly and Bryce blushed, looking away from Brendon.
“I’m, uh. I’m gonna go try them on then,” Bryce said, his only reply to what Brendon said.
“I assume you’ll be wanting me to give my opinion.” Brendon smiled.
“As if I could stop you,” Bryce laughed, glad that Brendon hadn’t seemed to have been affected at all by the previous subject of their conversation and himself being so… reluctant. “Come on, then.”
They both walked to the back of the store where the changing room was, Brendon just followed Bryce in without a word, and no one else around gave them a second glance. After all, they were there to try on clothes, so what else could two trainee priests possibly be doing in there? Well, Brendon did have an idea, actually.
“Maybe I should just get the black,” Bryce said as he pulled his own shirt over his head again. “I wasn’t quite sure about the…” Bryce trailed off then, his attention caught when he glanced back to Brendon and saw the way the other boy was looking at him; his dark eyes intent and laced with that underlying sense of want which Bryce was getting pretty good at recognising by now, probably better than he should be. He knew every bit of Brendon by now, knew how to read every expression, no matter how subtle. This one though, really wasn’t all that subtle, Bryce noted, a smile tugging at his lips even as he spoke. “What?”
“I think…” Brendon said, smirking as he walked the couple of steps across to where Bryce was stood. “I think those pants need to come off too.”
“I’m not trying on any pants. I only brought the shirts in with me,” Bryce replied, not missing the way Brendon’s smile widened slightly as he reached over to take the hanger from Bryce, hooking it onto the back of the chair next to them.
“Oh,” Brendon said, just shrugging as he stepped even closer to Bryce, until the other male was forced to step back too, Brendon only stopping when their bodies were pressed flush together, Bryce backed right up against the wall. “My bad,” he added, his hands finding their way up to Bryce’s shoulders, pressing the heels of his palms hard against them and consequently Bryce against the wall as he leaned forward to kiss his boyfriend.
Well used to such acts as this from Brendon (he couldn’t even keep count of how many times he’d been pushed up against the piano or taken by surprise in the middle of the library stacks in the last year), Bryce didn’t even skip a beat as his own hands moved, one to press flat against Brendon’s lower back, keeping him close, and the fingers of the other twisting in Brendon’s short hair as their kiss naturally deepened, Brendon parting Bryce’s lips easily with his tongue.
Without pausing or breaking the movement of his lips against Bryce’s, Brendon shifted his slightly to the side so he could press his knee, firm and insistent against Bryce’s thighs until he relaxed them, parting his legs slightly while Brendon bent his leg upwards, drawing his thigh up between Bryce’s until he was able to rub it back and forth, slowly putting a little more pressure up against Bryce’s balls until he made a kind of strangled squeak in the back of his throat, gasping in a breath as he pushed against Brendon’s chest, prompting him to break the kiss.
“Bren,” he breathed out the syllable more than anything, taking a couple of breaths before he spoke again, shaking his head. “You - Not here, I mean we can’t jus- oh,” Bryce choked out as Brendon increased both the pressure and speed of the movement of his thigh between Bryce’s, his fingers tightening in Brendon’s shirt, Bryce tugging reflexively at the material. “Bren. Bren, Bren, Bren,” he said quickly, his voice begging. “No.”
“That doesn’t sound like a ‘no’,” Brendon teased, smiling at Bryce before leaning forward to suck hard on the patch of sensitive skin a couple of inches under Bryce’s ear, feeling the slight shiver his action triggered as Bryce shifted his hips a little, unconsciously rocking them against Brendon’s knee as he began to pant, his breaths getting slightly ragged as he spluttered and gasped his way through a few more half-hearted protests.
“Okay.” Brendon suddenly dropped his leg back down and stepped back, leaving Bryce where he was, leaning against the wall, almost slumped back on it, his eyes wide with disbelief as he stared at Brendon for a few seconds, his mouth still open slightly.
“But.” Bryce frowned at him, pushing his hair away from his face, his expression looking at though Brendon had just kicked a puppy or something, not just stopped touching him. Then he dropped his head, his chin almost touching his chest as he let out a exasperated sigh, raising his head again to look at Brendon past the sandy hair he didn’t even bother shoving away this time. “You’re going to make me ask, aren’t you?” Bryce asked, breathing out a laugh as Brendon just bit his bottom lip, trying and failing to stop the pleased-with-himself grin which immediately spread across his face.
Brendon didn’t say anything in reply, just raised an eyebrow at Bryce; just waiting.
“Bren,” Bryce said after a few moments had passed. “Bren, come on.” Brendon still didn’t say or do anything, and Bryce just let out another breath of laughter, even as he shifted again, almost squirming to get even just a hint of sensation now Brendon had started, Bryce already hardening in his pants, maybe even more so with Brendon looking at him like that, with that smile on his face. “Please.” Bryce gave in then, and Brendon just grinned again, stepping forward almost too quickly for Bryce to register the movement before Brendon’s hand was pressed against the crotch of his pants, palming him in slow, rhythmic strokes as he just looked right into Bryce’s eyes, drinking in every tiny reaction he provoked, silent as he just listened to every little catch of Bryce’s breath in his throat, couple of tiny, whimper-like noises escaping before Bryce choked out his name again, all need and desperation as his hips bucked into Brendon’s touch.
“Okay.” Brendon finally broke his silence, slowing his movements but not stopping them. “S’okay, Bry,” he murmured, removing his hand while lifting the other to curl around the base of Bryce’s neck as he gave him one short, tender kiss on the lips. “I’ve got you,” Brendon said quietly, his hands going to undo Bryce’s pants then, his eyes still right on his boyfriend’s even as he did, pushing his underwear down with his pants to fall to the floor around Bryce’s ankles, leaving him exposed.
“We can’t do this.” Bryce suddenly said, glancing over Brendon’s shoulder towards the door. It was still locked, but Bryce had this expression on his face, like he thought someone was suddenly going to burst in on them for no reason. Which really, Brendon thought to himself, was pretty unlikely given where they were, and who they were; two priests-in-training in a store which sold Church supplies and clothing. Sure, they were in the changing room, but no one was going think they were doing anything and if they did, well, Brendon just figured that’s what locks were for.
"I think we already are," Brendon said by way of reply, smiling as he leaned forward to quickly give Bryce one more kiss before he sunk down to his knees in front of his boyfriend, looking up to give Bryce a smile of reassurance. It wasn't like they hadn't done this before, but the public setting (though it could hardly be called that in Brendon's view) clearly had him on edge. In a minute or so though, Brendon was pretty sure, Bryce would forget all about where they were.
Bryce's back was still up against the wall, any possible remaining gap closed as soon as Brendon's hands lifted to rest at Bryce's hips. The heels of Brendon's palms were pressed flat against them, with his fingers loosely curled around Bryce's side just above his ass as Brendon stroked his thumbs back and forth over the ridges of bone, his gaze still fixed on Bryce's as he looked up at him.
When Brendon finally lowered his eyes after Bryce had given him a nervous, but encouraging, smile he saw that Bryce was already more than halfway there, his cock hardening and the sight of Brendon licking his lips only serving to help the process along.
Brendon didn't waste any time (after all, how long could it feasibly take to offer an opinion on two shirts?) and moved one hand from Bryce's hip to curl loosely around the base of his cock, Brendon then leaning forward and running the tip of his tongue up the underside of Bryce's erection. Bryce gasped at the feeling, the sensation all too short lived as Brendon paused to glance up at Bryce, a smirk on his lips, before he licked another long stripe up Bryce's dick, this time running the flat surface of his tongue up over the head and pressing the tip into Bryce's slit, making him hiss and take in a sharp breath of air.
"Bren," Bryce breathed out the syllable, his hips starting forward slightly but not bucking, not yet. Brendon just raised his head to look at Bryce again, his eyes reflecting an almost warning expression, telling Bryce to be patient. It wasn't as though they had a huge amount of time though, Brendon conceded silently in his mind as he leaned forward again, securing his hand at Bryce's hip to press him back against the wall that little bit harder.
At first Brendon took just the head of Bryce's erection into his mouth, closing his lips around the member and bobbing his head down a couple of inches, hollowing his cheeks a little as he sucked slightly harder after repeating the motion a few times. A kind of choked, desperate sort of noise forced itself from Bryce's throat and Brendon didn't have to be able to see his face to know that he'd be biting his bottom lip in the hope of keeping silent. Brendon also knew that it wasn't going to work.
No amount of lip biting on Bryce's part could keep him from making the deep groan of pleasure which soon reached Brendon's ears as he worked his mouth further down Bryce’s cock, bobbing his head down as far as he could without gagging. Brendon wished his mouth was free to grin as Bryce let out a slightly shocked cry at the sudden action without Brendon working up towards it like he might usually have done.
“Just, Bren. Brenny, just -” Bryce choked the words out, none of them really meaning anything as his hand found its way to Brendon’s head, his fingers twisting in his short dark hair. Not too tight though, just enough; enough for Bryce to have something to anchor him. They’d done this more than a few times before but Brendon still managed to make him feel like he was coming apart somehow, every single time.
Brendon just tightened his grip at Bryce’s hip for a moment, the act equal parts restraint and reassurance, as he kept working his mouth up and down Bryce’s cock, his fingers still curled around the base. They’d done this before, sure, but he was yet to be able to deep throat properly. He’d try, all earnest and enthusiastic just the way Brendon was with everything, but it was always a little sloppy, Brendon’s mouth hot and wet around him, pulling back to swirl his tongue over the head before he bobbed back down, hollowing his cheeks as he did. As unpractised as it was, Bryce wouldn’t have it any other way because, well, it was Brendon. He might have tried to come up with a more eloquent way to describe the way he felt, being able to have this kind of intimacy with someone like Brendon, but his mind was pretty much incapable of coherency by this point.
He was getting close now. Bryce’s head tipped back against the wall, his back arching a little as he fought the urge to buck his hips up, fuck Brendon’s mouth. A series of small, rough, almost grunting noises punctuated the spaces between his ragged breaths as the sensation of Brendon’s lips around him, the feeling of the head of his cock rubbing against the roof of Brendon’s mouth towards the back of his throat as he bobbed his head, all started to become too much.
If Brendon couldn’t tell from the sounds Bryce was making that he was getting close, the way Bryce’s hips had started to shift forward just slightly every few seconds as he fought the desire to thrust was a pretty good indication, as was the way he could feel Bryce’s legs shaking, his thighs trembling against Brendon’s body as the younger male realised he was actually pretty much holding Bryce up at that point. Bryce’s fingers tightened unconsciously in Brendon’s hair, twisting in the short strands as Bryce began to let out brief, steadily higher pitched moans in between panting for air. His other hand then found its way to clutch at Brendon’s shoulder as Brendon pressed the heel of his palm that little bit harder against Bryce’s hip, keeping him still as he bobbed his head once more, taking as much of Bryce into his mouth as he could and sucking a little harder before pulling back to press his tongue against Bryce’s slit one more time. Then Bryce was just gone, almost blacking out while his thighs began to shake almost violently as his orgasm rushed through him.
Brendon swallowed Bryce’s release, only coughing a little before he lifted his head to look at Bryce. His eyes were closed, Bryce coming down slowly from the high as his senses returned before his head finally dropped forward a little from where he’d still been leaning it back against the wall, a grin breaking across Bryce’s face even as he opened his eyes to look down at Brendon who was still on his knees.
“That was…” Bryce breathed out a laugh, shaking his head. Brendon just grinned back. They didn’t say anything else. They didn’t need to; it all passed between their eyes in those few seconds before Brendon shifted to crouch instead of kneel, finally releasing his hold at Bryce’s hip so he could pull his pants up for him.
Bryce’s legs were still a little shaky as he pushed himself off from leaning against the wall to stand properly, Brendon laughing as he held Bryce’s face in both hands and gave him a short kiss.
“You look like you need a nap now,” Brendon said, his laughter leaving a grin on his face as he spoke.
“Yeah, and I feel like it too,” Bryce told him, a slight tone of faux annoyance in his voice even though his was smiling back, Brendon pressing his lips to Bryce’s once more before releasing him.
“Then let’s go do that.” Brendon walked over and picked up the shirts from where he’d hung them on the back of the chair earlier. “Are you going to get the blue as well as the black?”
“I don’t know. I think so.” Bryce ran his palm over his face and rubbed at his eyes. “My brain’s gone all… blurry.” He took his hand away and gave Brendon a look, but it was accompanied with a smile. “Your fault, so you pick for me: Was the blue alright?”
“Yeah, you should get it.” Brendon nodded, smiling back. “But for someone so twitchy about the subject of marital commitment, you don’t seem to mind letting us slip into the stereotypical roles,” he said playfully, his smile shifting into a smirk. “Picking out your clothes… Go on,” Brendon laughed, “now tell me to get in the kitchen and make you your supper,” he teased, raising an eyebrow at Bryce from where he was stood near the door, hand on one hip. He was only able to keep his face fairly straight before he laughed again, reaching over to unlock the door and pull it open.
Bryce echoed Brendon’s laughter, but it quickly faded from his face as it hit him suddenly; how amazing a person Brendon was, how lucky he was to have him, and how he didn’t deserve it. Bryce knew he didn’t, and looking at Brendon there and then he felt it harder than he had before, than he had ever let himself.
He’d managed to convince himself that it could last, that they could, that they had that time for that future that Brendon had been talking about just minutes ago, that expression on his face like he’d never wanted anything more.
Bryce thought about calling Brendon back, telling him there and then just like he’d thought about telling Brendon a thousand times during their relationship; their relationship which Bryce should never have let happen, but had just wanted it so, so badly, that he couldn’t stop himself.
Well, that’s what Bryce told himself anyway, just like he told himself there in that changing room that it wasn’t the right place, or the right time, and that he should wait. He couldn’t wait forever though, Bryce knew as he just followed Brendon back out into the shop to buy the shirts.
It had been so easy to convince himself that his life wasn’t what it was, forget reality after meeting Brendon and lose himself in the dream, but sooner or later they were both going to have to wake up.
And Bryce hated himself for it, hated himself as he approached Brendon at the cash register, the other boy greeting him with one of those smiles which usually made his heart skip a beat in all those clichéd ways. Just then, though, it only made Bryce’s stomach twist painfully, because the time was coming, faster and faster it felt to Bryce, when he was going to have to do it.
He was going to hurt Brendon.
It was during a rare afternoon off when Brendon found out.
They were in the music room, both trying to unwind after their last piece of work had been handed in. Bryce was sat at the piano, playing around with a new song, and Brendon was lying on top of it, his legs hanging bent over the edge of the piano to Bryce’s right.
“Hey.” Brendon spoke suddenly, surprising Bryce, who’d thought Brendon had dropped off to sleep with how quiet he’d been.
“Yeah?” Bryce stopped playing and made a couple of notes on the sheets in front of him on the piano, noticing the tone in Brendon’s voice which meant there was something more coming, a deeper subject.
“I was thinking,” the younger began, opening his eyes as he rolled his head to the side to look at Bryce. “Do you think we’ll get placed near each other, you know, when we become curates?”
“We’ll get placed where there’s spaces, and where we’re needed,” Bryce answered, not too surprised by Brendon’s question. It was getting to the end of their training and everyone was thinking about it; where they were going to end up when they actually began putting their training into practise. “I don’t know,” he said finally.
“Don’t you think we should decide some stuff? Like where we want to be, for when they ask us? I mean, maybe we could find out somewhere with two curacies near each other for ourselves,” Brendon said thoughtfully, his eyes questioning as he looked at Bryce.
There was a long pause - too long, Brendon noticed, before Bryce finally answered him.
“I, uh - I already talked to the committee about that, when I first got here.” Bryce winced inwardly when Brendon sat up then, turning so he was facing Bryce, his eyes widened in surprise.
“So you already know where you’re going to be placed?” Brendon frowned as Bryce nodded. “And you just decided to not let me in on that? My meeting’s in two days, Bryce. I mean, I could ask to be…” Brendon paused. “But you don’t care if we get placed near each other,” he said slowly. It wasn’t a question.
“I… don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“What does - just. What?” Brendon shook his head, just trying to understand. “We… we’re together. Why would it not be a ‘good idea’ to be at least nearby?”
“We can’t…” Bryce faltered as he looked up at Brendon from where he was still sat on the piano stool, but Brendon already felt what was coming; saw it in Bryce’s eyes. “We can’t be together after we leave here.”
Brendon might have felt it coming, but hearing Bryce say the words out loud hurt a whole lot more than he was expecting even as he pre-empted it.
“But…” Brendon somehow kicked his brain into the habit of forming words again. “We’re not Catholic. It’s not like - And people are more accepting these days. It might be hard, sure, but we can, Bryce.” Brendon knew his voice had taken on a desperate, pleading tone, but he didn’t even try to control it at that point. “We can be together.” Really, Brendon knew he was saying ‘We have to be together’ because his mind wasn’t exactly handling that other option too well at all.
Bryce just looked at Brendon for a few moments, the expression of confusion and just hurt on his face causing his own heart to clench painfully. However much he wished he didn’t have to, though, Bryce still said his next words.
“I can’t.” He pushed back the piano stool then, Bryce standing up and walking a few steps away before turning as Brendon slid down off the top of the piano and followed him, stopping a couple of feet short of where Bryce was stood.
“What… What does that even mean, Bryce?” Brendon asked, anger strongly edging his voice now. “Was this - Was I just some kind of experimentation? Is that what the last two years have been?” Brendon paused, running his hand through his dark hair and glancing away for a second before meeting Bryce’s eyes again, his voice quiet now, and just… sad. “I gave you everything, Bryce. Everything. And now you’re just deciding you can’t?”
Bryce stepped forward then, only for Brendon to step back a split second later, keeping the short distance between them when Bryce reached out to touch him.
“This wasn’t meant to happen,” Bryce’s voice was barely above a whisper, like he was saying it to himself as much as Brendon, sadness and regret filling his voice despite its quietness. “I wasn’t meant to fall in love with you.”
Brendon honestly didn’t know where this was even coming from. He didn’t - couldn’t, even - understand. Bryce was pretty much the best thing to happen to Brendon in his twenty two years, and Bryce was talking about him like he was an accident - no, not even an accident. A mistake.
“What are you saying, Bryce? Can you just… just say something, please just actually fucking say something.” Brendon saw Bryce flinch when he swore and raised his voice, but at least he was reacting, because just then he still seemed kind of untouched by all this, and Brendon just kind of felt like he was falling apart a little, and he deserved to know why.
“We can’t be together after this because…” Bryce hesitated then, closed his eyes for a second and swallowed hard. Somehow he’d managed to convince himself that this wasn’t inevitable, that maybe it would be okay somehow and it didn’t have to be like this, but that was stupid, Bryce knew now. So, so stupid because there was no way this could possibly be okay now. Bryce had let it get too far and it was his fault Brendon was looking at him like that, his fault that tears were pooling in his dark brown eyes, making them look even bigger than usual if that was possible. It was his fault for being selfish and wanting more, wanting what he couldn’t have, shouldn’t have had, and now it was this beautiful boy in front of him who was going to pay the price. My fault, the words echoed once more in Bryce’s head before he forced himself to finish his sentence. “Because I’m already with someone.”
Brendon laughed. It was a reflex action, it was natural, because the thought of Bryce; dependable, honest, all round good-guy Bryce had just told him he was a cheater, and that Brendon was his bit on the side.
Then it hit him. When Brendon really thought about it, it actually, almost, almost made some kind of sense: The way Bryce never really talked about home that much. The way Brendon had heard the words ‘I can’t’ come from him before, when they were just starting, and he’d assumed it was a sexuality issue. The way Bryce had never once talked about himself and Brendon in terms of the future or the probable difficulties of that given their chosen career paths; there weren’t going to be any difficulties because they didn’t have a future.
It was impossible for Brendon to say anything logical, or that made sense, because none of it did, so he said the first thing that came into his head; his voice bitter, with a mocking edge to it.
“Is she prettier than me?” He didn’t have to ask to know it was a ‘she’. When they’d first had sex it had been painfully clear that neither of them really knew what they were doing or had been with a guy before. It had still been perfect though, Brendon still found himself thinking, still
“Bren -” Bryce went to step forward but Brendon raised a hand in a clear ‘stay away’ gesture, Bryce flinching slightly at the sudden coldness in Brendon’s expression.
“How long?” Brendon asked simply, not letting Bryce speak unless he was going to tell Brendon was he wanted - no, more like needed to know, and Bryce sighed before answering.
“Five years,” Bryce told him, reluctantly keeping his distance. “And… I proposed to her, two weeks before I started training here.”
“So, uh,” Brendon scoffed in disbelief. “The entire time I’ve known you, the whole time we’ve been together, every time we’ve kissed, Bryce, when we’ve slept together, you’ve been engaged,” Brendon’s words were slow as he still struggled to take it all in, and still edged with hurt, especially when he thought back to just a few weeks ago, when he’d half-jokingly mentioned marriage and Bryce had been so affected by the subject and then gone quiet. It made sense now, and Brendon almost felt like he should have known something then, somehow, even though he couldn’t have.
The small gap between them could have been miles wide for how helpless and vulnerable Bryce felt. All he wanted to do was pull Brendon into his arms and hold him close, to make that look fade from Brendon’s features and make him feel okay again. He couldn’t do that though. Even if Brendon would let him close, Bryce knew he couldn’t do that.
“I - Bren, I wanted to tell yo-”
“Oh, fuck you, Bryce,” Brendon cut him off. “You could have told me anytime in the last three years if you wanted to. Hey, when I said ‘Bryce, I like you’, two years ago, you might have mentioned it. Fuck, Bryce, you should have, instead of fucking using me.” Brendon’s voice broke then, just slightly, as he threw those last words at Bryce.
“It wasn’t - I didn’t -” The tears in Brendon’s eyes were enough to set Bryce off, salt water spilling down his cheeks before he even registered that they’d begun, he was so caught up in the way Brendon was looking at him. Before Bryce could gather his thoughts into anything which made sense Brendon’s next words were bursting from his mouth, filled with hurt and confusion and anger as his shout echoed off the soundproofed walls of the music room.
“You said you loved me!” And fuck, Brendon almost laughed out loud at that, because he could swear he was auditioning for some kind of trashy soap opera or something, but seeing as he’d just found out the guy he was in love with had a secret fiancée, he figured it was kind of fitting, really.
“I did, Bren,” Bryce said, his voice desperate then, begging. “Do. I do love you, I do, I just… Fuck.” He ran a hand through his hair, pushing his sandy bangs off his face, and it was then that Brendon maybe realised how much this was really affecting Bryce, that it wasn’t nothing to him, because apart from in bed when he wasn’t really in control of it, Brendon had never heard anything even close to a curse word come from Bryce’s mouth. And suddenly he just so badly wanted to hug Bryce and tell him everything was okay, but it wasn’t, and it still simply hurt too much.
“Just… not enough,” Brendon said quietly. “Not enough to choose me, right?” he added, keeping his eyes firmly on Bryce’s until the other male dropped his head, breaking eye contact.
“I didn’t think this would happen, Bren - that we would…” Bryce sighed heavily before lifting his head slowly, as if he was carrying some huge weight. Guilt, Brendon realised as he saw the look in Bryce’s eyes. “I didn’t know I was going to fall in love with you, Brendon Urie… and I couldn’t stop it.” Bryce wiped the heel of his palm across both of his cheeks and rubbed at his eyes, all at once looking just so tired to Brendon. “I know I should have, Bren. I know. If I could go back -”
“You can’t go back, Bryce,” Brendon pointed out sadly. “But - but you don’t have to… We can still be together, just…” Brendon was a shade away from saying ‘please’ but he didn’t have to, his eyes were screaming please because Brendon felt like he was losing it, like he was losing everything because Bryce was everything; his strength, his hope in the hopelessness which threatened to swallow Brendon when he thought about the world they lived in. And it had been Bryce who’d made Brendon feel wanted again, feel lovable, and like he’d deserved it, even; Bryce who’d gotten him through and supported him when he’d doubted he was cut out to be a priest, and now Brendon was questioning all of that, every memory because if it wasn’t real… Brendon couldn’t even finish the thought in his mind as his whole world seemed to sway around him.
“I can’t, Bren.” Bryce reached out to try and touch Brendon again, his hand lifting towards his shoulder only for Brendon to step back again on reflex, stumbling slightly as his back hit the piano behind and Brendon reached back to steady himself, his hand slamming down on the keys and playing some horrible sounding chord which - as jarring as it was - certainly fit the situation pretty well. “Bren, I -
“Why?” Brendon asked, his voice barely audible as he finally let his own tears fall, suddenly exhausted and unable to do anything but lean back against the piano, looking just… defeated to Bryce. “Why not me?”
The tone in his voice, the raw pain there just ripped through Bryce’s chest, but he blinked his own fresh tears away so he could focus on Brendon, steeling himself for rejection as he raised his right hand to cup Brendon’s face, slowly enough that he could move if he wanted to. He didn’t, though. Instead, Brendon just closed his eyes, taking in a long, slow, shuddering breath through his nose as he leaned into Bryce’s touch as the older male stroked his thumb across Brendon’s cheek.
“I couldn’t do it to her,” Bryce told him quietly, shifting his hand to cup around the back of Brendon’s neck, his eyes still closed even as Bryce leaned forward, pressing his forehead to Brendon’s. “I couldn’t break her heart, Bren. She hasn’t done anything, she doesn’t deserve -”
“And I do?” Brendon pressed a hand to Bryce’s chest and pushed him back a little, his eyes snapping open to meet Bryce’s and flashing with anger, though his voice was filled more with hurt than anything as he spoke slowly, a kind of recognition in his words. “Because you’ve broken my heart, Bryce.” Even as he said it, that was when Brendon really felt it, felt something inside him crack, or crumble, or whatever the hell something like that was supposed to feel like because Brendon didn’t know. This was his first time getting his heart broken, like Bryce had been his first everything. All Brendon really knew was that ‘hurt’ didn’t even cover it.
He was still touching Bryce, Brendon’s gaze dropping to his hand still pressed against Bryce’s chest before he dug his fingers just slightly into Bryce’s body, stoking his thumb back and forth against the material of Bryce’s shirt a couple of times.
“Please.” Brendon couldn’t stop himself from saying it as he forced himself to look up again and meet Bryce’s eyes but breaking all over again when he recognised the expression there, the resolution. “Please, Bryce,” he desperately tried, just one more time, but he knew they were wasted words. As soon as he heard the next two words come from Bryce’s mouth, Brendon knew.
“I can’t.” And there they were, those same words Bryce had said again and again, one last time because Brendon couldn’t take any more.
He kind of crumpled then, Brendon falling forward onto Bryce, clutching at his boyfriend (or ex, Brendon somehow registered the shift in his mind, if they ever really were) like he was drowning, or maybe falling, or just suffocating. Brendon was struggling to even take in proper breaths as Bryce manoeuvred them both to their knees as steadily as he could, wrapping his arms tight around the younger male as vicious sobs began to wrack Brendon’s body and Bryce got his wish and finally got to hold his broken boy in his arms.
“I’m sorry, Bren. I’m so, so sorry,” Bryce murmured the words over and over again into Brendon’s hair and pressed his lips to the top of Brendon’s head a couple of times before starting his litany again, as if words could help now, as if Bryce could do anything now.
He’d done enough, though, Bryce thought as he himself started to cry again even as he stroked his hand in slow, circular motions across Brendon’s back in a futile attempt to calm him down. He’d done too much and not enough and now he had to live with it.
Two days later Brendon sat in front of the placement committee and told them in all honesty that it didn’t matter where he got placed for his curacy, as long as he was able to learn and able to help people, because that was the job. That was the important thing, Brendon had decided, that was what he was meant to focus on, not himself and what he wanted, not his personal relationships. That didn’t matter. It was about the bigger picture, what Brendon was able to do as a priest; doing what was right.
A couple of months later those lines, all of Brendon’s oh-so-clear ideas, started to blur a little bit at the edges.
A couple of months later Brendon met Ryan Ross.
Author: minus_four
Rating: R
Pairing: Brendon Urie/Bryce Avary
POV: Third
Summary: Being with Bryce was kind of confusing, at times. Sure, he made Brendon feel loved, more loved than he really knew what to do with at this point in his life, but sometimes - and Brendon hated himself for thinking in that way - sometimes it was like it just wasn’t quite enough, not in some ways.
Disclaimer: Pretty sure Brendon and Bryce are not priests, nor ever tried to be, so rest assured none of this is real and I made it up.
Author's Notes: So, this is the prequel to my priestfic, which means Brendon going to theological college and... well, then there's Bryce.
[Part 1] [Part 2]
Being with Bryce was kind of confusing, at times. Sure, he made Brendon feel loved, more loved than he really knew what to do with at this point in his life, but sometimes - and Brendon hated himself for thinking in that way - sometimes it was like it just wasn’t quite enough, not in some ways.
For their second summer break, when he and Bryce had already been together for months; more than half a year even, Brendon had kind of assumed that he might have been invited to go home with Bryce, even for just a week or two, but he just wasn’t. Brendon tried not to put too much onto it, but he couldn’t help feeling strange about it somehow and yeah, pretty angry if he was honest with himself. Would it really have been so hard for Bryce to say ‘Hi Mom, hi Dad, this is my friend, Brendon?’
He didn’t want to make Bryce invite him, but at the same time he didn’t exactly love the idea of staying alone on campus again for weeks when he could have been with the guy he’s in love with instead; it just didn’t make sense in his head.
So, Brendon hinted. He never out and out asked Bryce, but a few weeks before the end of the semester he started talking about how weird it would be to not see Bryce for weeks, and that he didn’t know yet whether the Smoothie Hut were hiring him back since all the normal college students with longer breaks might have gotten in there first. After that, when the break started approaching fast, Brendon even started laying it on a little thicker, intentionally talking about how lonely he was the first summer and how great it is that Bryce has a family to go back to. He didn’t like trying to guilt Bryce into it, but a week before Bryce was leaving he was getting almost a little desperate.
Bryce, though… he just didn’t seem to get it.
Or he doesn’t want you to come home with him, a little voice in the back of Brendon’s head supplied, which… well, wasn’t exactly helpful. Brendon didn’t really want to think about that, because the only options that really provided was that Bryce didn’t want to spend that time with Brendon, or he was even… maybe even ashamed of him or something, and that just hurt Brendon’s head too much to think about, so he didn’t.
Instead he just… stopped mentioning it. Instead Brendon was just grateful when Bryce helped him get his summer job sorted and helped Bryce pack up his stuff and load it into his car when he left. Watching Bryce drive away that time was like the first one, but really it was worse because he felt like he was losing so much more this time, even if he wasn’t losing Bryce at all, really. He still couldn’t help feeling it.
It wasn’t like Brendon didn’t want to ask Bryce outright, but just that he really didn’t want the last time he saw Bryce for six weeks to end in some fight, or Bryce feeling bad or something. And besides, Brendon told himself time and time again as he headed back to their dorm room alone, it wasn’t like Bryce wouldn’t have a Good Reason for not inviting him back, so it wasn’t really an issue. It really, really wasn’t, or at least Brendon just about managed to convince himself that it wasn’t. The next day though, Brendon started counting days and wondering how many calls a day was too much.
The day Bryce got back that time was a whole two days before the year’s re-orientation meeting, and they didn’t leave their room for the entirety of that day. It had always been ‘their’ room technically, but now thinking about it that way seemed so much more significant to Brendon, just… different. In a good way though, Brendon thought to himself where he and Bryce were lying together on one of those tiny beds, no space at all in between their bodies, Brendon almost clinging to Bryce because phone calls were all well and good, but as much as Brendon had thought about it, he hadn’t realised quite how much he would miss just touching Bryce, just having moments like that one. There was also the whole going-six-weeks-without-sex thing, which - okay, so Brendon hadn’t been with anyone before Bryce, but once he got to experience sex, having to go without it had not been fun to say the very least.
Bryce didn’t say anything much about his time back home, and Brendon just couldn’t bring himself to bring up the subject too much now it was done with. They exchanged ‘I love you’s, maybe a dozen times throughout that first day, but for the first time Brendon couldn’t help but wonder.
It was pretty easy to push that stuff, even all his fears and insecurities, to the back of his mind though, given how great Bryce was the rest of the time; how they just fit right back into the way they were before, and then given how busy their final year was.
And it really was busy; classes getting more intense, all of them being given roles of more responsibility to try and prepare them for the real thing, and extra shadowing assignments on top of everything else. So busy in fact, that their relationship was often reduced to spending time together in the music room because neither of them wanted to let their music slip, and they just didn’t have that much free time anymore. It wasn’t exactly a bad way to be together, and Brendon definitely didn’t mind the certain memory being in the room always provoked in his mind; Bryce pushing him up against the piano and kissing him for the first time.
As hard work as the final year was working out to be, and as annoying as it was having a lot of assignments which separated himself and Bryce that year, it was all going to be worth it in the end. They were working towards something, and even though Brendon had had his doubts in the first year, he really felt like he was getting somewhere now, that they all were.
Time felt like it was going by far too quickly though. He was only twenty one, but now everything was ramping up to that goal, to actually being a priest, and everything just kind of felt more real somehow when it came time to start wearing the clothes. Maybe that was the point; making it feel real to them finally, making it sink in that this was really happening and in a couple of months it was going to be less theory and a whole lot more practice. Brendon actually couldn’t figure out whether he was more excited or terrified, but he assumed it was natural to feel a mixture of both in situations like that.
Although they wouldn’t technically be ordained until part way through their curacy, during their last semester of training they were going to start wearing the proper clerical clothing when they assisted with services and went through their final shadowing assignments, despite not actually having the responsibilities of being a priest yet. It was partly about just getting used to wearing the shirt and collar, and how it changed how other people saw you, but it was also about the same thing everything else was at that point. Their training was coming to a close in just a couple of months or so, and every class, every part of their preparation and every assessment now wasn’t just about learning, not anymore. It was about being ready.
They didn’t exactly have to go far. Seeing as it was a theological college connected to the local university, it was fairly logical that someone had opened a clerical supply type shop nearby. After all, whoever owned the store was guaranteed business every year at least from the graduating class, as well as possibly visiting lecturers and stuff. Since there wasn’t technically a specific date on which they all had to start wearing a shirt and dog collar everyone had been kind of drifting towards the store when they felt like it over the past couple of weeks, either in small groups or on their own.
Brendon was glad everyone else had decided to do that because when he and Bryce did much the same thing it wouldn’t seem weird, since everyone else had gone with friends too. Not that Brendon actually cared what it looked like. He only cared because he knew Bryce did. Brendon didn’t care if anyone guessed they were together. He’d make their relationship public if Bryce was okay with it, because he was kind of proud that he was with someone like Bryce, and he didn’t see why everyone shouldn’t know.
It wasn’t as though what they were doing was wrong. They weren’t Catholic, and the Church in general was much more accepting of a relationship like theirs these days, though of course there would still be a lot of individuals who weren’t, and Brendon supposed that was what Bryce was worried about. It still didn’t exactly help with those old insecurities he had concerning how Bryce actually felt about him. Brendon had sort of thought that as time went on and they grew closer, Bryce would maybe come around to the idea of going public with their relationship, but he just hadn’t. He never even mentioned it and Brendon had simply stopped mentioning it too after a while. Then again, considering what Brendon himself had lost because of his sexuality, he really couldn’t blame Bryce for being worried, so he tried to understand and always just told himself that it was enough just being with Bryce, whether other people knew about it or not. He even tried to make it seem as though it made everything more special, more intimate; just for them. It was hard though, and Brendon couldn’t help feeling weird about it, almost wary.
The small store mostly sold priest shirts (which were basically normal shirts except they had that part around the neck for the plastic collar) and the white dog collars, but they also stocked other things like crucifixes, candles, incense, plus a small amount of robes and things. It was the display of stoles, which were kind of like long scarves, that caught Brendon’s attention though. There were a lot of different colors for different kinds of service or celebrations, the different meanings referring to certain rituals. Some were simple, with just the colors and maybe a border, but others were intricately embroidered with patterns and symbols, some of them even telling stories. Brendon was transfixed by them, grazing his fingers across the silky material and tracing the stitching. He was still there when Bryce wandered over from the stack of shirts, holding a couple on hangers.
“See this one?” Brendon said without turning his head to look at Bryce when he saw him appear in his peripheral vision, his hand moving to trail across a white stole with some simple gold embroidery of a cross and two small rings to symbolise the union of marriage. “It’s nice, but I bet the reason it’s not too nice is because the priest doesn’t want to have to deal with some pretty pissed off bride saying he ‘stole focus’ or something,” he laughed.
“Well, I know I wouldn’t.” Bryce echoed the sound next to him, the smile still on his face as Brendon finally tore his eyes away from the pretty in front of him to look at Bryce. “I got the standard black,” he said, holding up the shirts, “and the blue. I’m gonna try them on.”
“Hey,” Brendon said just as Bryce started to turn to walk off towards the changing room out the back, making him pause. “I know we can’t, but if we could,” Brendon went on, lips beginning to quirk upwards in a smirk, “then would we be able to marry ourselves?” he laughed. “You know, like you’d say ‘Brendon, do you take me, Bryce, to be your lawfully wedded husband’ and I’d say ‘Bryce, do you take me, Brendon, this awesome, handsome, hugely talented - in so many ways - man, to be your -”
“Well. It’s -” Bryce began, cutting Brendon off as he turned to put the shirt back on its hanger. “It’s, uh, not something we need to think about really, not for long time, anyway, and…” he paused, smiling despite frowning slightly at the way Brendon was looking at him, a definite expression of bemusement on his features. “What is it, Urie?”
“You’re just cute when you get all flustered and stuff,” Brendon told him, an affectionate expression on his face. He wanted then, so badly wanted to kiss Bryce. It wouldn’t even have been an intimate kiss, just a peck, but he still couldn’t. And it killed him a little. “Don’t worry, I wasn’t like, proposing,” Brendon smirked. Except he maybe kind of was, just a little bit, just to see how Bryce might have reacted. A little. “Just wondering,” he shrugged, nudging Bryce’s shoulder with his own. “But it’s good to know I don’t need to worry about any engagements any time soon,” he said teasingly and Bryce blushed, looking away from Brendon.
“I’m, uh. I’m gonna go try them on then,” Bryce said, his only reply to what Brendon said.
“I assume you’ll be wanting me to give my opinion.” Brendon smiled.
“As if I could stop you,” Bryce laughed, glad that Brendon hadn’t seemed to have been affected at all by the previous subject of their conversation and himself being so… reluctant. “Come on, then.”
They both walked to the back of the store where the changing room was, Brendon just followed Bryce in without a word, and no one else around gave them a second glance. After all, they were there to try on clothes, so what else could two trainee priests possibly be doing in there? Well, Brendon did have an idea, actually.
“Maybe I should just get the black,” Bryce said as he pulled his own shirt over his head again. “I wasn’t quite sure about the…” Bryce trailed off then, his attention caught when he glanced back to Brendon and saw the way the other boy was looking at him; his dark eyes intent and laced with that underlying sense of want which Bryce was getting pretty good at recognising by now, probably better than he should be. He knew every bit of Brendon by now, knew how to read every expression, no matter how subtle. This one though, really wasn’t all that subtle, Bryce noted, a smile tugging at his lips even as he spoke. “What?”
“I think…” Brendon said, smirking as he walked the couple of steps across to where Bryce was stood. “I think those pants need to come off too.”
“I’m not trying on any pants. I only brought the shirts in with me,” Bryce replied, not missing the way Brendon’s smile widened slightly as he reached over to take the hanger from Bryce, hooking it onto the back of the chair next to them.
“Oh,” Brendon said, just shrugging as he stepped even closer to Bryce, until the other male was forced to step back too, Brendon only stopping when their bodies were pressed flush together, Bryce backed right up against the wall. “My bad,” he added, his hands finding their way up to Bryce’s shoulders, pressing the heels of his palms hard against them and consequently Bryce against the wall as he leaned forward to kiss his boyfriend.
Well used to such acts as this from Brendon (he couldn’t even keep count of how many times he’d been pushed up against the piano or taken by surprise in the middle of the library stacks in the last year), Bryce didn’t even skip a beat as his own hands moved, one to press flat against Brendon’s lower back, keeping him close, and the fingers of the other twisting in Brendon’s short hair as their kiss naturally deepened, Brendon parting Bryce’s lips easily with his tongue.
Without pausing or breaking the movement of his lips against Bryce’s, Brendon shifted his slightly to the side so he could press his knee, firm and insistent against Bryce’s thighs until he relaxed them, parting his legs slightly while Brendon bent his leg upwards, drawing his thigh up between Bryce’s until he was able to rub it back and forth, slowly putting a little more pressure up against Bryce’s balls until he made a kind of strangled squeak in the back of his throat, gasping in a breath as he pushed against Brendon’s chest, prompting him to break the kiss.
“Bren,” he breathed out the syllable more than anything, taking a couple of breaths before he spoke again, shaking his head. “You - Not here, I mean we can’t jus- oh,” Bryce choked out as Brendon increased both the pressure and speed of the movement of his thigh between Bryce’s, his fingers tightening in Brendon’s shirt, Bryce tugging reflexively at the material. “Bren. Bren, Bren, Bren,” he said quickly, his voice begging. “No.”
“That doesn’t sound like a ‘no’,” Brendon teased, smiling at Bryce before leaning forward to suck hard on the patch of sensitive skin a couple of inches under Bryce’s ear, feeling the slight shiver his action triggered as Bryce shifted his hips a little, unconsciously rocking them against Brendon’s knee as he began to pant, his breaths getting slightly ragged as he spluttered and gasped his way through a few more half-hearted protests.
“Okay.” Brendon suddenly dropped his leg back down and stepped back, leaving Bryce where he was, leaning against the wall, almost slumped back on it, his eyes wide with disbelief as he stared at Brendon for a few seconds, his mouth still open slightly.
“But.” Bryce frowned at him, pushing his hair away from his face, his expression looking at though Brendon had just kicked a puppy or something, not just stopped touching him. Then he dropped his head, his chin almost touching his chest as he let out a exasperated sigh, raising his head again to look at Brendon past the sandy hair he didn’t even bother shoving away this time. “You’re going to make me ask, aren’t you?” Bryce asked, breathing out a laugh as Brendon just bit his bottom lip, trying and failing to stop the pleased-with-himself grin which immediately spread across his face.
Brendon didn’t say anything in reply, just raised an eyebrow at Bryce; just waiting.
“Bren,” Bryce said after a few moments had passed. “Bren, come on.” Brendon still didn’t say or do anything, and Bryce just let out another breath of laughter, even as he shifted again, almost squirming to get even just a hint of sensation now Brendon had started, Bryce already hardening in his pants, maybe even more so with Brendon looking at him like that, with that smile on his face. “Please.” Bryce gave in then, and Brendon just grinned again, stepping forward almost too quickly for Bryce to register the movement before Brendon’s hand was pressed against the crotch of his pants, palming him in slow, rhythmic strokes as he just looked right into Bryce’s eyes, drinking in every tiny reaction he provoked, silent as he just listened to every little catch of Bryce’s breath in his throat, couple of tiny, whimper-like noises escaping before Bryce choked out his name again, all need and desperation as his hips bucked into Brendon’s touch.
“Okay.” Brendon finally broke his silence, slowing his movements but not stopping them. “S’okay, Bry,” he murmured, removing his hand while lifting the other to curl around the base of Bryce’s neck as he gave him one short, tender kiss on the lips. “I’ve got you,” Brendon said quietly, his hands going to undo Bryce’s pants then, his eyes still right on his boyfriend’s even as he did, pushing his underwear down with his pants to fall to the floor around Bryce’s ankles, leaving him exposed.
“We can’t do this.” Bryce suddenly said, glancing over Brendon’s shoulder towards the door. It was still locked, but Bryce had this expression on his face, like he thought someone was suddenly going to burst in on them for no reason. Which really, Brendon thought to himself, was pretty unlikely given where they were, and who they were; two priests-in-training in a store which sold Church supplies and clothing. Sure, they were in the changing room, but no one was going think they were doing anything and if they did, well, Brendon just figured that’s what locks were for.
"I think we already are," Brendon said by way of reply, smiling as he leaned forward to quickly give Bryce one more kiss before he sunk down to his knees in front of his boyfriend, looking up to give Bryce a smile of reassurance. It wasn't like they hadn't done this before, but the public setting (though it could hardly be called that in Brendon's view) clearly had him on edge. In a minute or so though, Brendon was pretty sure, Bryce would forget all about where they were.
Bryce's back was still up against the wall, any possible remaining gap closed as soon as Brendon's hands lifted to rest at Bryce's hips. The heels of Brendon's palms were pressed flat against them, with his fingers loosely curled around Bryce's side just above his ass as Brendon stroked his thumbs back and forth over the ridges of bone, his gaze still fixed on Bryce's as he looked up at him.
When Brendon finally lowered his eyes after Bryce had given him a nervous, but encouraging, smile he saw that Bryce was already more than halfway there, his cock hardening and the sight of Brendon licking his lips only serving to help the process along.
Brendon didn't waste any time (after all, how long could it feasibly take to offer an opinion on two shirts?) and moved one hand from Bryce's hip to curl loosely around the base of his cock, Brendon then leaning forward and running the tip of his tongue up the underside of Bryce's erection. Bryce gasped at the feeling, the sensation all too short lived as Brendon paused to glance up at Bryce, a smirk on his lips, before he licked another long stripe up Bryce's dick, this time running the flat surface of his tongue up over the head and pressing the tip into Bryce's slit, making him hiss and take in a sharp breath of air.
"Bren," Bryce breathed out the syllable, his hips starting forward slightly but not bucking, not yet. Brendon just raised his head to look at Bryce again, his eyes reflecting an almost warning expression, telling Bryce to be patient. It wasn't as though they had a huge amount of time though, Brendon conceded silently in his mind as he leaned forward again, securing his hand at Bryce's hip to press him back against the wall that little bit harder.
At first Brendon took just the head of Bryce's erection into his mouth, closing his lips around the member and bobbing his head down a couple of inches, hollowing his cheeks a little as he sucked slightly harder after repeating the motion a few times. A kind of choked, desperate sort of noise forced itself from Bryce's throat and Brendon didn't have to be able to see his face to know that he'd be biting his bottom lip in the hope of keeping silent. Brendon also knew that it wasn't going to work.
No amount of lip biting on Bryce's part could keep him from making the deep groan of pleasure which soon reached Brendon's ears as he worked his mouth further down Bryce’s cock, bobbing his head down as far as he could without gagging. Brendon wished his mouth was free to grin as Bryce let out a slightly shocked cry at the sudden action without Brendon working up towards it like he might usually have done.
“Just, Bren. Brenny, just -” Bryce choked the words out, none of them really meaning anything as his hand found its way to Brendon’s head, his fingers twisting in his short dark hair. Not too tight though, just enough; enough for Bryce to have something to anchor him. They’d done this more than a few times before but Brendon still managed to make him feel like he was coming apart somehow, every single time.
Brendon just tightened his grip at Bryce’s hip for a moment, the act equal parts restraint and reassurance, as he kept working his mouth up and down Bryce’s cock, his fingers still curled around the base. They’d done this before, sure, but he was yet to be able to deep throat properly. He’d try, all earnest and enthusiastic just the way Brendon was with everything, but it was always a little sloppy, Brendon’s mouth hot and wet around him, pulling back to swirl his tongue over the head before he bobbed back down, hollowing his cheeks as he did. As unpractised as it was, Bryce wouldn’t have it any other way because, well, it was Brendon. He might have tried to come up with a more eloquent way to describe the way he felt, being able to have this kind of intimacy with someone like Brendon, but his mind was pretty much incapable of coherency by this point.
He was getting close now. Bryce’s head tipped back against the wall, his back arching a little as he fought the urge to buck his hips up, fuck Brendon’s mouth. A series of small, rough, almost grunting noises punctuated the spaces between his ragged breaths as the sensation of Brendon’s lips around him, the feeling of the head of his cock rubbing against the roof of Brendon’s mouth towards the back of his throat as he bobbed his head, all started to become too much.
If Brendon couldn’t tell from the sounds Bryce was making that he was getting close, the way Bryce’s hips had started to shift forward just slightly every few seconds as he fought the desire to thrust was a pretty good indication, as was the way he could feel Bryce’s legs shaking, his thighs trembling against Brendon’s body as the younger male realised he was actually pretty much holding Bryce up at that point. Bryce’s fingers tightened unconsciously in Brendon’s hair, twisting in the short strands as Bryce began to let out brief, steadily higher pitched moans in between panting for air. His other hand then found its way to clutch at Brendon’s shoulder as Brendon pressed the heel of his palm that little bit harder against Bryce’s hip, keeping him still as he bobbed his head once more, taking as much of Bryce into his mouth as he could and sucking a little harder before pulling back to press his tongue against Bryce’s slit one more time. Then Bryce was just gone, almost blacking out while his thighs began to shake almost violently as his orgasm rushed through him.
Brendon swallowed Bryce’s release, only coughing a little before he lifted his head to look at Bryce. His eyes were closed, Bryce coming down slowly from the high as his senses returned before his head finally dropped forward a little from where he’d still been leaning it back against the wall, a grin breaking across Bryce’s face even as he opened his eyes to look down at Brendon who was still on his knees.
“That was…” Bryce breathed out a laugh, shaking his head. Brendon just grinned back. They didn’t say anything else. They didn’t need to; it all passed between their eyes in those few seconds before Brendon shifted to crouch instead of kneel, finally releasing his hold at Bryce’s hip so he could pull his pants up for him.
Bryce’s legs were still a little shaky as he pushed himself off from leaning against the wall to stand properly, Brendon laughing as he held Bryce’s face in both hands and gave him a short kiss.
“You look like you need a nap now,” Brendon said, his laughter leaving a grin on his face as he spoke.
“Yeah, and I feel like it too,” Bryce told him, a slight tone of faux annoyance in his voice even though his was smiling back, Brendon pressing his lips to Bryce’s once more before releasing him.
“Then let’s go do that.” Brendon walked over and picked up the shirts from where he’d hung them on the back of the chair earlier. “Are you going to get the blue as well as the black?”
“I don’t know. I think so.” Bryce ran his palm over his face and rubbed at his eyes. “My brain’s gone all… blurry.” He took his hand away and gave Brendon a look, but it was accompanied with a smile. “Your fault, so you pick for me: Was the blue alright?”
“Yeah, you should get it.” Brendon nodded, smiling back. “But for someone so twitchy about the subject of marital commitment, you don’t seem to mind letting us slip into the stereotypical roles,” he said playfully, his smile shifting into a smirk. “Picking out your clothes… Go on,” Brendon laughed, “now tell me to get in the kitchen and make you your supper,” he teased, raising an eyebrow at Bryce from where he was stood near the door, hand on one hip. He was only able to keep his face fairly straight before he laughed again, reaching over to unlock the door and pull it open.
Bryce echoed Brendon’s laughter, but it quickly faded from his face as it hit him suddenly; how amazing a person Brendon was, how lucky he was to have him, and how he didn’t deserve it. Bryce knew he didn’t, and looking at Brendon there and then he felt it harder than he had before, than he had ever let himself.
He’d managed to convince himself that it could last, that they could, that they had that time for that future that Brendon had been talking about just minutes ago, that expression on his face like he’d never wanted anything more.
Bryce thought about calling Brendon back, telling him there and then just like he’d thought about telling Brendon a thousand times during their relationship; their relationship which Bryce should never have let happen, but had just wanted it so, so badly, that he couldn’t stop himself.
Well, that’s what Bryce told himself anyway, just like he told himself there in that changing room that it wasn’t the right place, or the right time, and that he should wait. He couldn’t wait forever though, Bryce knew as he just followed Brendon back out into the shop to buy the shirts.
It had been so easy to convince himself that his life wasn’t what it was, forget reality after meeting Brendon and lose himself in the dream, but sooner or later they were both going to have to wake up.
And Bryce hated himself for it, hated himself as he approached Brendon at the cash register, the other boy greeting him with one of those smiles which usually made his heart skip a beat in all those clichéd ways. Just then, though, it only made Bryce’s stomach twist painfully, because the time was coming, faster and faster it felt to Bryce, when he was going to have to do it.
He was going to hurt Brendon.
It was during a rare afternoon off when Brendon found out.
They were in the music room, both trying to unwind after their last piece of work had been handed in. Bryce was sat at the piano, playing around with a new song, and Brendon was lying on top of it, his legs hanging bent over the edge of the piano to Bryce’s right.
“Hey.” Brendon spoke suddenly, surprising Bryce, who’d thought Brendon had dropped off to sleep with how quiet he’d been.
“Yeah?” Bryce stopped playing and made a couple of notes on the sheets in front of him on the piano, noticing the tone in Brendon’s voice which meant there was something more coming, a deeper subject.
“I was thinking,” the younger began, opening his eyes as he rolled his head to the side to look at Bryce. “Do you think we’ll get placed near each other, you know, when we become curates?”
“We’ll get placed where there’s spaces, and where we’re needed,” Bryce answered, not too surprised by Brendon’s question. It was getting to the end of their training and everyone was thinking about it; where they were going to end up when they actually began putting their training into practise. “I don’t know,” he said finally.
“Don’t you think we should decide some stuff? Like where we want to be, for when they ask us? I mean, maybe we could find out somewhere with two curacies near each other for ourselves,” Brendon said thoughtfully, his eyes questioning as he looked at Bryce.
There was a long pause - too long, Brendon noticed, before Bryce finally answered him.
“I, uh - I already talked to the committee about that, when I first got here.” Bryce winced inwardly when Brendon sat up then, turning so he was facing Bryce, his eyes widened in surprise.
“So you already know where you’re going to be placed?” Brendon frowned as Bryce nodded. “And you just decided to not let me in on that? My meeting’s in two days, Bryce. I mean, I could ask to be…” Brendon paused. “But you don’t care if we get placed near each other,” he said slowly. It wasn’t a question.
“I… don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“What does - just. What?” Brendon shook his head, just trying to understand. “We… we’re together. Why would it not be a ‘good idea’ to be at least nearby?”
“We can’t…” Bryce faltered as he looked up at Brendon from where he was still sat on the piano stool, but Brendon already felt what was coming; saw it in Bryce’s eyes. “We can’t be together after we leave here.”
Brendon might have felt it coming, but hearing Bryce say the words out loud hurt a whole lot more than he was expecting even as he pre-empted it.
“But…” Brendon somehow kicked his brain into the habit of forming words again. “We’re not Catholic. It’s not like - And people are more accepting these days. It might be hard, sure, but we can, Bryce.” Brendon knew his voice had taken on a desperate, pleading tone, but he didn’t even try to control it at that point. “We can be together.” Really, Brendon knew he was saying ‘We have to be together’ because his mind wasn’t exactly handling that other option too well at all.
Bryce just looked at Brendon for a few moments, the expression of confusion and just hurt on his face causing his own heart to clench painfully. However much he wished he didn’t have to, though, Bryce still said his next words.
“I can’t.” He pushed back the piano stool then, Bryce standing up and walking a few steps away before turning as Brendon slid down off the top of the piano and followed him, stopping a couple of feet short of where Bryce was stood.
“What… What does that even mean, Bryce?” Brendon asked, anger strongly edging his voice now. “Was this - Was I just some kind of experimentation? Is that what the last two years have been?” Brendon paused, running his hand through his dark hair and glancing away for a second before meeting Bryce’s eyes again, his voice quiet now, and just… sad. “I gave you everything, Bryce. Everything. And now you’re just deciding you can’t?”
Bryce stepped forward then, only for Brendon to step back a split second later, keeping the short distance between them when Bryce reached out to touch him.
“This wasn’t meant to happen,” Bryce’s voice was barely above a whisper, like he was saying it to himself as much as Brendon, sadness and regret filling his voice despite its quietness. “I wasn’t meant to fall in love with you.”
Brendon honestly didn’t know where this was even coming from. He didn’t - couldn’t, even - understand. Bryce was pretty much the best thing to happen to Brendon in his twenty two years, and Bryce was talking about him like he was an accident - no, not even an accident. A mistake.
“What are you saying, Bryce? Can you just… just say something, please just actually fucking say something.” Brendon saw Bryce flinch when he swore and raised his voice, but at least he was reacting, because just then he still seemed kind of untouched by all this, and Brendon just kind of felt like he was falling apart a little, and he deserved to know why.
“We can’t be together after this because…” Bryce hesitated then, closed his eyes for a second and swallowed hard. Somehow he’d managed to convince himself that this wasn’t inevitable, that maybe it would be okay somehow and it didn’t have to be like this, but that was stupid, Bryce knew now. So, so stupid because there was no way this could possibly be okay now. Bryce had let it get too far and it was his fault Brendon was looking at him like that, his fault that tears were pooling in his dark brown eyes, making them look even bigger than usual if that was possible. It was his fault for being selfish and wanting more, wanting what he couldn’t have, shouldn’t have had, and now it was this beautiful boy in front of him who was going to pay the price. My fault, the words echoed once more in Bryce’s head before he forced himself to finish his sentence. “Because I’m already with someone.”
Brendon laughed. It was a reflex action, it was natural, because the thought of Bryce; dependable, honest, all round good-guy Bryce had just told him he was a cheater, and that Brendon was his bit on the side.
Then it hit him. When Brendon really thought about it, it actually, almost, almost made some kind of sense: The way Bryce never really talked about home that much. The way Brendon had heard the words ‘I can’t’ come from him before, when they were just starting, and he’d assumed it was a sexuality issue. The way Bryce had never once talked about himself and Brendon in terms of the future or the probable difficulties of that given their chosen career paths; there weren’t going to be any difficulties because they didn’t have a future.
It was impossible for Brendon to say anything logical, or that made sense, because none of it did, so he said the first thing that came into his head; his voice bitter, with a mocking edge to it.
“Is she prettier than me?” He didn’t have to ask to know it was a ‘she’. When they’d first had sex it had been painfully clear that neither of them really knew what they were doing or had been with a guy before. It had still been perfect though, Brendon still found himself thinking, still
“Bren -” Bryce went to step forward but Brendon raised a hand in a clear ‘stay away’ gesture, Bryce flinching slightly at the sudden coldness in Brendon’s expression.
“How long?” Brendon asked simply, not letting Bryce speak unless he was going to tell Brendon was he wanted - no, more like needed to know, and Bryce sighed before answering.
“Five years,” Bryce told him, reluctantly keeping his distance. “And… I proposed to her, two weeks before I started training here.”
“So, uh,” Brendon scoffed in disbelief. “The entire time I’ve known you, the whole time we’ve been together, every time we’ve kissed, Bryce, when we’ve slept together, you’ve been engaged,” Brendon’s words were slow as he still struggled to take it all in, and still edged with hurt, especially when he thought back to just a few weeks ago, when he’d half-jokingly mentioned marriage and Bryce had been so affected by the subject and then gone quiet. It made sense now, and Brendon almost felt like he should have known something then, somehow, even though he couldn’t have.
The small gap between them could have been miles wide for how helpless and vulnerable Bryce felt. All he wanted to do was pull Brendon into his arms and hold him close, to make that look fade from Brendon’s features and make him feel okay again. He couldn’t do that though. Even if Brendon would let him close, Bryce knew he couldn’t do that.
“I - Bren, I wanted to tell yo-”
“Oh, fuck you, Bryce,” Brendon cut him off. “You could have told me anytime in the last three years if you wanted to. Hey, when I said ‘Bryce, I like you’, two years ago, you might have mentioned it. Fuck, Bryce, you should have, instead of fucking using me.” Brendon’s voice broke then, just slightly, as he threw those last words at Bryce.
“It wasn’t - I didn’t -” The tears in Brendon’s eyes were enough to set Bryce off, salt water spilling down his cheeks before he even registered that they’d begun, he was so caught up in the way Brendon was looking at him. Before Bryce could gather his thoughts into anything which made sense Brendon’s next words were bursting from his mouth, filled with hurt and confusion and anger as his shout echoed off the soundproofed walls of the music room.
“You said you loved me!” And fuck, Brendon almost laughed out loud at that, because he could swear he was auditioning for some kind of trashy soap opera or something, but seeing as he’d just found out the guy he was in love with had a secret fiancée, he figured it was kind of fitting, really.
“I did, Bren,” Bryce said, his voice desperate then, begging. “Do. I do love you, I do, I just… Fuck.” He ran a hand through his hair, pushing his sandy bangs off his face, and it was then that Brendon maybe realised how much this was really affecting Bryce, that it wasn’t nothing to him, because apart from in bed when he wasn’t really in control of it, Brendon had never heard anything even close to a curse word come from Bryce’s mouth. And suddenly he just so badly wanted to hug Bryce and tell him everything was okay, but it wasn’t, and it still simply hurt too much.
“Just… not enough,” Brendon said quietly. “Not enough to choose me, right?” he added, keeping his eyes firmly on Bryce’s until the other male dropped his head, breaking eye contact.
“I didn’t think this would happen, Bren - that we would…” Bryce sighed heavily before lifting his head slowly, as if he was carrying some huge weight. Guilt, Brendon realised as he saw the look in Bryce’s eyes. “I didn’t know I was going to fall in love with you, Brendon Urie… and I couldn’t stop it.” Bryce wiped the heel of his palm across both of his cheeks and rubbed at his eyes, all at once looking just so tired to Brendon. “I know I should have, Bren. I know. If I could go back -”
“You can’t go back, Bryce,” Brendon pointed out sadly. “But - but you don’t have to… We can still be together, just…” Brendon was a shade away from saying ‘please’ but he didn’t have to, his eyes were screaming please because Brendon felt like he was losing it, like he was losing everything because Bryce was everything; his strength, his hope in the hopelessness which threatened to swallow Brendon when he thought about the world they lived in. And it had been Bryce who’d made Brendon feel wanted again, feel lovable, and like he’d deserved it, even; Bryce who’d gotten him through and supported him when he’d doubted he was cut out to be a priest, and now Brendon was questioning all of that, every memory because if it wasn’t real… Brendon couldn’t even finish the thought in his mind as his whole world seemed to sway around him.
“I can’t, Bren.” Bryce reached out to try and touch Brendon again, his hand lifting towards his shoulder only for Brendon to step back again on reflex, stumbling slightly as his back hit the piano behind and Brendon reached back to steady himself, his hand slamming down on the keys and playing some horrible sounding chord which - as jarring as it was - certainly fit the situation pretty well. “Bren, I -
“Why?” Brendon asked, his voice barely audible as he finally let his own tears fall, suddenly exhausted and unable to do anything but lean back against the piano, looking just… defeated to Bryce. “Why not me?”
The tone in his voice, the raw pain there just ripped through Bryce’s chest, but he blinked his own fresh tears away so he could focus on Brendon, steeling himself for rejection as he raised his right hand to cup Brendon’s face, slowly enough that he could move if he wanted to. He didn’t, though. Instead, Brendon just closed his eyes, taking in a long, slow, shuddering breath through his nose as he leaned into Bryce’s touch as the older male stroked his thumb across Brendon’s cheek.
“I couldn’t do it to her,” Bryce told him quietly, shifting his hand to cup around the back of Brendon’s neck, his eyes still closed even as Bryce leaned forward, pressing his forehead to Brendon’s. “I couldn’t break her heart, Bren. She hasn’t done anything, she doesn’t deserve -”
“And I do?” Brendon pressed a hand to Bryce’s chest and pushed him back a little, his eyes snapping open to meet Bryce’s and flashing with anger, though his voice was filled more with hurt than anything as he spoke slowly, a kind of recognition in his words. “Because you’ve broken my heart, Bryce.” Even as he said it, that was when Brendon really felt it, felt something inside him crack, or crumble, or whatever the hell something like that was supposed to feel like because Brendon didn’t know. This was his first time getting his heart broken, like Bryce had been his first everything. All Brendon really knew was that ‘hurt’ didn’t even cover it.
He was still touching Bryce, Brendon’s gaze dropping to his hand still pressed against Bryce’s chest before he dug his fingers just slightly into Bryce’s body, stoking his thumb back and forth against the material of Bryce’s shirt a couple of times.
“Please.” Brendon couldn’t stop himself from saying it as he forced himself to look up again and meet Bryce’s eyes but breaking all over again when he recognised the expression there, the resolution. “Please, Bryce,” he desperately tried, just one more time, but he knew they were wasted words. As soon as he heard the next two words come from Bryce’s mouth, Brendon knew.
“I can’t.” And there they were, those same words Bryce had said again and again, one last time because Brendon couldn’t take any more.
He kind of crumpled then, Brendon falling forward onto Bryce, clutching at his boyfriend (or ex, Brendon somehow registered the shift in his mind, if they ever really were) like he was drowning, or maybe falling, or just suffocating. Brendon was struggling to even take in proper breaths as Bryce manoeuvred them both to their knees as steadily as he could, wrapping his arms tight around the younger male as vicious sobs began to wrack Brendon’s body and Bryce got his wish and finally got to hold his broken boy in his arms.
“I’m sorry, Bren. I’m so, so sorry,” Bryce murmured the words over and over again into Brendon’s hair and pressed his lips to the top of Brendon’s head a couple of times before starting his litany again, as if words could help now, as if Bryce could do anything now.
He’d done enough, though, Bryce thought as he himself started to cry again even as he stroked his hand in slow, circular motions across Brendon’s back in a futile attempt to calm him down. He’d done too much and not enough and now he had to live with it.
Two days later Brendon sat in front of the placement committee and told them in all honesty that it didn’t matter where he got placed for his curacy, as long as he was able to learn and able to help people, because that was the job. That was the important thing, Brendon had decided, that was what he was meant to focus on, not himself and what he wanted, not his personal relationships. That didn’t matter. It was about the bigger picture, what Brendon was able to do as a priest; doing what was right.
A couple of months later those lines, all of Brendon’s oh-so-clear ideas, started to blur a little bit at the edges.
A couple of months later Brendon met Ryan Ross.