(no subject)
strange deranged thoughts:) feeling okay, still lazy. now i'm in another segment of time devoted to the odd things that haven't any place in the reality of sane people :)
TNT for the brain. shit this is good. i sometimes get into a state that is usually caused by extreme state of intoxication (read when you are REALLY FUCKING HIGH) without the drugs. anything can set me off: a video clip, music, a book, whatever the outside influence. after mellyn manson i want to yell and fuck the world. after some documentaries i can't think, can't sleep, can't feel anything. watch A&E on serial murderers, especiallt Gein. and you are done. very graphic in words. i was ready to throw up. and now i'm in the state "high on acid" without taking it lol. people actually experience high right before their death. it's something your body naturally does. that is why thrills and all sorts of extremities are so damn attractive. when you die a bit, and get really high off of it, and that's exactly what acid does.
and it's complete bullcrap that brain cells (that die when you take some drugs) do not re-generate. so potentially you can have a brain and do drugs sometimes. but i'm not into it all, i'm too much of a control freak, i guess. \
what the fuck am i talking about.
i'm dreaming of ruins,very old place. everything is in dust, it's in the air, everywhere. pastel colours of the send. church? no
monastery?
probably not. it's daytime. warm and peaceful, no time--it doesn't exist. it's a forever peaceful place. brick, or maybe stones. forgotten place, nobody there for thousands of years. everything is settld and the way it's supposed to be, the way it was left.
mistakes were made, but if you made it there there is no room for mistakes. the sun is always shining there, and not in any joyous way--but just peaceful and proper. no wind. no natural disturbances at all. it's a place to find things out about yourself. meditation. emptiness, long forgotten and not habituated. thoughts flow in a lazy river. everything is slow. it was full of life once, but now it's an abandoned world. it's just you alone with yourself. amazing and PEACEFUL.
there are other places.
there are other places. yeah.
there is one of complete confusion and frustration, but there is nothing you can do aobut it. things may be painful. it's like a closed door, and you are looking through the keyhole, and you see things happen to you. it's a hotel, maybe, corridors full of doors. some things are pretty unexplainable and extreme. there are dark corners, and you don't wanna go there. any normal person, EVERY person has dark corners they don't want to face. everyone is a freak, a pervert. you want to be humiliated, taken advantage of in every way. chains, unwillingness. very intellectual ways, everything is conscious, there can be no accidents. every action is a result of yours or someone elses' good will. it's a pretty dirty place. there are toxic colours, everything is dramatized. and the bad thing is that you don't wanna leave there, you stay there by choice. because there is something sickly attractive in just saying FUCK ALL i'm gonna look and embrace the most disgusting things in the corners of the rooms. and it's sweetness of complete humiliation--you take all that dirt and put it out on the display, and others are disgusted. and there is something in it, i swear!!! the badness feels so good because it's not accepted. you arne't supposed to go into the bad places, but you can't help it. everyone is a pervert, and it's noticeble there. and you become one, and it's fucking sweet!! creepy place it is. after you've been there for a while, you get sick of it. and not because it's filthy emotionally, intellectually, and morally, but mainly because you are bored. because the pleasure is just on surface, and there is nothing more or deeper in it--what you get really IS what you see. that is why the moral of this place can't possibly become the philosophy of a soul (individual), because it's pretty hollow, and given enough time you can't help but leave this place. but after a while you start doubting yourself and come back for more.
there are lots of places you visit meanwhile.
for example something calm and pure again will do well after the previous place, because contrasts are what you want. something clean but yet sensual and physical. but it doesn't make you feel sticky from decomposing. you experience sensuality of being alone with yourself. it's not the reflection of self anymore, like with the ruins. it's a comfortable Arabic-looking room, and the fabrics around you and on you are incredibly comforting, and you can't stop touching them. it's a place of touch, not smell or sight. that is why it's so comfortingly sensual. you can feel the texture of incense being burned (not smell it, feel it) the lights are dimmed down. it's a room with big big windows, you are not locked up like in the "hotel style" place, where you feel trapped (which is one of the things that drives you crazy there--some psychological kind of voluntary imprisonment that is extatic). but here you can enjoy the material world--meaning you are never so "present" and "living in the moment" like you are here. it's the ultimate experience of physical presence. it's very hard to explain. it's not a place of that sort of ecstatic convulsions, but that of slow and full enjoyment. it's easy, it's like breathing.
i don't even know waht i'm talking about:) don't wanna write about that shit any more right now.
i really do need a reality check:P
knock knock///
who's there?:)
it's santa?!
love y'all
Dashka
TNT for the brain. shit this is good. i sometimes get into a state that is usually caused by extreme state of intoxication (read when you are REALLY FUCKING HIGH) without the drugs. anything can set me off: a video clip, music, a book, whatever the outside influence. after mellyn manson i want to yell and fuck the world. after some documentaries i can't think, can't sleep, can't feel anything. watch A&E on serial murderers, especiallt Gein. and you are done. very graphic in words. i was ready to throw up. and now i'm in the state "high on acid" without taking it lol. people actually experience high right before their death. it's something your body naturally does. that is why thrills and all sorts of extremities are so damn attractive. when you die a bit, and get really high off of it, and that's exactly what acid does.
and it's complete bullcrap that brain cells (that die when you take some drugs) do not re-generate. so potentially you can have a brain and do drugs sometimes. but i'm not into it all, i'm too much of a control freak, i guess. \
what the fuck am i talking about.
i'm dreaming of ruins,very old place. everything is in dust, it's in the air, everywhere. pastel colours of the send. church? no
monastery?
probably not. it's daytime. warm and peaceful, no time--it doesn't exist. it's a forever peaceful place. brick, or maybe stones. forgotten place, nobody there for thousands of years. everything is settld and the way it's supposed to be, the way it was left.
mistakes were made, but if you made it there there is no room for mistakes. the sun is always shining there, and not in any joyous way--but just peaceful and proper. no wind. no natural disturbances at all. it's a place to find things out about yourself. meditation. emptiness, long forgotten and not habituated. thoughts flow in a lazy river. everything is slow. it was full of life once, but now it's an abandoned world. it's just you alone with yourself. amazing and PEACEFUL.
there are other places.
there are other places. yeah.
there is one of complete confusion and frustration, but there is nothing you can do aobut it. things may be painful. it's like a closed door, and you are looking through the keyhole, and you see things happen to you. it's a hotel, maybe, corridors full of doors. some things are pretty unexplainable and extreme. there are dark corners, and you don't wanna go there. any normal person, EVERY person has dark corners they don't want to face. everyone is a freak, a pervert. you want to be humiliated, taken advantage of in every way. chains, unwillingness. very intellectual ways, everything is conscious, there can be no accidents. every action is a result of yours or someone elses' good will. it's a pretty dirty place. there are toxic colours, everything is dramatized. and the bad thing is that you don't wanna leave there, you stay there by choice. because there is something sickly attractive in just saying FUCK ALL i'm gonna look and embrace the most disgusting things in the corners of the rooms. and it's sweetness of complete humiliation--you take all that dirt and put it out on the display, and others are disgusted. and there is something in it, i swear!!! the badness feels so good because it's not accepted. you arne't supposed to go into the bad places, but you can't help it. everyone is a pervert, and it's noticeble there. and you become one, and it's fucking sweet!! creepy place it is. after you've been there for a while, you get sick of it. and not because it's filthy emotionally, intellectually, and morally, but mainly because you are bored. because the pleasure is just on surface, and there is nothing more or deeper in it--what you get really IS what you see. that is why the moral of this place can't possibly become the philosophy of a soul (individual), because it's pretty hollow, and given enough time you can't help but leave this place. but after a while you start doubting yourself and come back for more.
there are lots of places you visit meanwhile.
for example something calm and pure again will do well after the previous place, because contrasts are what you want. something clean but yet sensual and physical. but it doesn't make you feel sticky from decomposing. you experience sensuality of being alone with yourself. it's not the reflection of self anymore, like with the ruins. it's a comfortable Arabic-looking room, and the fabrics around you and on you are incredibly comforting, and you can't stop touching them. it's a place of touch, not smell or sight. that is why it's so comfortingly sensual. you can feel the texture of incense being burned (not smell it, feel it) the lights are dimmed down. it's a room with big big windows, you are not locked up like in the "hotel style" place, where you feel trapped (which is one of the things that drives you crazy there--some psychological kind of voluntary imprisonment that is extatic). but here you can enjoy the material world--meaning you are never so "present" and "living in the moment" like you are here. it's the ultimate experience of physical presence. it's very hard to explain. it's not a place of that sort of ecstatic convulsions, but that of slow and full enjoyment. it's easy, it's like breathing.
i don't even know waht i'm talking about:) don't wanna write about that shit any more right now.
i really do need a reality check:P
knock knock///
who's there?:)
it's santa?!
love y'all
Dashka