an update on how things are with me
Family:
John's burial & memorial service were very cathartic. I am very glad I was there. I am very glad I was able to help & support Andy's family, and I am very grateful that my family (parents & sister) were able to come out to rural Minnesota for the memorial service. Father's day is this weekend. There are many other important dates tied to John that are coming up in July & August.
Some stuff is going on with one of my other family members right now that is not my news to share publicly (or even privately, really). It's not a secret, but it's personal -- and I care a great deal about this person, so I am doing my best to be respectful and not talking about it much. But it's REALLY upsetting me a lot. And this person is also really sad & upset & unhappy.
My health:
I've had a resurgence of the shoulder injury mentioned in this LJ post from Sept 2013. Thankfully, I am able to get PT services very close to my workplace and for zero copay (grateful for good insurance & services via my workplace). But it also means I'm having trouble opening doors, and laying on my right side to sleep, and using a computer mouse. Added stress throughout my day. Also, making time to go to PT twice a week is difficult. Finding an hour each day for PT exercises is difficult.
I'm also taking some active steps to improve my intestinal health; I have probably mentioned my diagnosis of ulcers in my intestine & colon before, but who knows. Definitely not sharing details right now, but they've added IBS to my diagnosis (probably should have been added years ago), which means I'm making some changes in how I take care of myself. I can't tell if it's helping yet. But I think it is. Either way, additional "new planning to manage my health" stress and "new doctor for a 2nd opinion" stress and next week, "outpatient procedures" stress.
I'm not discussing my mental health in this LJ post, or things that are making it worse right now, but those get an honorable mention, as they are considerable contributors to my overall state. I am taking many, many, many steps to work on this.
Work:
Two factors that have always been hard are especially hard right now.
First, I have no privacy. I'm the only staff member who doesn't have a physical office. That is because there are literally only 6 offices on the entire floor that the library is on, and most of them are located near the public services area, whereas I have nothing to do with public services (& I am located at the other end of the floor). It does not make sense for me to have one of the other offices, and that's fine -- but it is frustrating. It means I can't make phone calls. It means I can't shut my door when I want to work uninterrupted. I have a door between me and the main part of the library, but I share this space with 1 to 3 student workers, whose schedules are somewhat random, and who overlap at least 70% with my hours. One of them sits about five feet behind me (facing the other way), for 12 hours every week.
This falls into the category of things that are frustrating & draining, but not critical -- until all other stress becomes unbearable, and then this just becomes added pressure that cannot be alleviated. (I also do not have presumed private space at home, which is related to unpacking being hard; more on that in a moment. I can, with effort, make privacy happen. I cannot make it happen without effort, and it never happens incidentally, due to the current layout.)
Related to that, I am so overdrawn on introvert recharge time that it may be months before I feel like being social again. Right now, people wanting to spend time with me feels like an obligation -- it does not feel like being cared about. It feels like people want something from me; my energy, my attention. I would rather read a book. I would rather be alone. I need more alone time than usual right now, thus, it is not possible to get that need met, thus, your interest in spending time with me feels frustrating and invasive. (is this reality? no. but that is how it FEEEEEEEELS to ME right NOW.) Anyway, I'm avoiding social so as to curtail my overwhelming resentment about the fact that people like me & want to spend time with me. (I suppose that's as close are we're getting to talking about my mental health.)
Second work problem: I'm in charge of everything in my "department" (of just me). I understand my job better than anyone else here -- definitely significantly more than my boss, which she acknowledges regularly. Which means I have final say on decisions. I also do all the research to make a decision. I also have to do all the implementation of the decision. If something goes wrong, I have to figure it out myself with no one (really) to talk to about it. I also don't have anyone to brainstorm with, or to check in regularly about progress, or to help me get excited or motivated about my work when things are are (or even when they aren't!). I have project partners, who don't understand the fine details. There's a lot of respect & wonder at my abilities, which is nice, but isn't practically helpful.
And again, that's mostly fine -- it's preferable to bosses who don't respect my work, or who think they know better than I do about how to do my work (which is very common). But it is also draining to be in charge of every part. It is exhausting. And when I then need that energy for things like "what should I wear to work" and "what should I eat right now because I am painfully hungry" and those decisions become overwhelming and impossible to figure out... then mid-level decisions like "unpacking this box and putting it's contents... where?" become even more impossible. And then things like "doing something fun with my crafting supplies.... none of which are unpacked, and there's nowhere to unpack them into, yet" means that I have a hard time accomplishing activities that rejuvenate spoons.
There are also some specific projects and things happening at work that are difficult and requiring extra effort right now.
Arisia:
I officially resigned my position as Chair of the Diversity Committee this week. I'm putting this last because, obviously, a lot of this has to do with the above situation (I'm sure there are other things adding to my stress that I'm forgetting or not mentioning right now, too). Especially that bit at work where I have to be in charge of everything -- being chair of a committee also means making a lot of the decisions about what we should do, or what work we should tackle, or who should be involved, or ... basically, if I'd had the energy to get someone to be my second in command, or even co-chair, that ... probably would've helped if I'd done it six months ago. But due to some precipitating incidents in the past week, I have decided that I need to stop. I'm thoroughly burned out on LITERALLY EVERYTHING right now. While championing diversity & inclusion is a thing I'm willing to make sacrifices for, I also have reached the end of my ability to make sacrifices right now.
John's burial & memorial service were very cathartic. I am very glad I was there. I am very glad I was able to help & support Andy's family, and I am very grateful that my family (parents & sister) were able to come out to rural Minnesota for the memorial service. Father's day is this weekend. There are many other important dates tied to John that are coming up in July & August.
Some stuff is going on with one of my other family members right now that is not my news to share publicly (or even privately, really). It's not a secret, but it's personal -- and I care a great deal about this person, so I am doing my best to be respectful and not talking about it much. But it's REALLY upsetting me a lot. And this person is also really sad & upset & unhappy.
My health:
I've had a resurgence of the shoulder injury mentioned in this LJ post from Sept 2013. Thankfully, I am able to get PT services very close to my workplace and for zero copay (grateful for good insurance & services via my workplace). But it also means I'm having trouble opening doors, and laying on my right side to sleep, and using a computer mouse. Added stress throughout my day. Also, making time to go to PT twice a week is difficult. Finding an hour each day for PT exercises is difficult.
I'm also taking some active steps to improve my intestinal health; I have probably mentioned my diagnosis of ulcers in my intestine & colon before, but who knows. Definitely not sharing details right now, but they've added IBS to my diagnosis (probably should have been added years ago), which means I'm making some changes in how I take care of myself. I can't tell if it's helping yet. But I think it is. Either way, additional "new planning to manage my health" stress and "new doctor for a 2nd opinion" stress and next week, "outpatient procedures" stress.
I'm not discussing my mental health in this LJ post, or things that are making it worse right now, but those get an honorable mention, as they are considerable contributors to my overall state. I am taking many, many, many steps to work on this.
Work:
Two factors that have always been hard are especially hard right now.
First, I have no privacy. I'm the only staff member who doesn't have a physical office. That is because there are literally only 6 offices on the entire floor that the library is on, and most of them are located near the public services area, whereas I have nothing to do with public services (& I am located at the other end of the floor). It does not make sense for me to have one of the other offices, and that's fine -- but it is frustrating. It means I can't make phone calls. It means I can't shut my door when I want to work uninterrupted. I have a door between me and the main part of the library, but I share this space with 1 to 3 student workers, whose schedules are somewhat random, and who overlap at least 70% with my hours. One of them sits about five feet behind me (facing the other way), for 12 hours every week.
This falls into the category of things that are frustrating & draining, but not critical -- until all other stress becomes unbearable, and then this just becomes added pressure that cannot be alleviated. (I also do not have presumed private space at home, which is related to unpacking being hard; more on that in a moment. I can, with effort, make privacy happen. I cannot make it happen without effort, and it never happens incidentally, due to the current layout.)
Related to that, I am so overdrawn on introvert recharge time that it may be months before I feel like being social again. Right now, people wanting to spend time with me feels like an obligation -- it does not feel like being cared about. It feels like people want something from me; my energy, my attention. I would rather read a book. I would rather be alone. I need more alone time than usual right now, thus, it is not possible to get that need met, thus, your interest in spending time with me feels frustrating and invasive. (is this reality? no. but that is how it FEEEEEEEELS to ME right NOW.) Anyway, I'm avoiding social so as to curtail my overwhelming resentment about the fact that people like me & want to spend time with me. (I suppose that's as close are we're getting to talking about my mental health.)
Second work problem: I'm in charge of everything in my "department" (of just me). I understand my job better than anyone else here -- definitely significantly more than my boss, which she acknowledges regularly. Which means I have final say on decisions. I also do all the research to make a decision. I also have to do all the implementation of the decision. If something goes wrong, I have to figure it out myself with no one (really) to talk to about it. I also don't have anyone to brainstorm with, or to check in regularly about progress, or to help me get excited or motivated about my work when things are are (or even when they aren't!). I have project partners, who don't understand the fine details. There's a lot of respect & wonder at my abilities, which is nice, but isn't practically helpful.
And again, that's mostly fine -- it's preferable to bosses who don't respect my work, or who think they know better than I do about how to do my work (which is very common). But it is also draining to be in charge of every part. It is exhausting. And when I then need that energy for things like "what should I wear to work" and "what should I eat right now because I am painfully hungry" and those decisions become overwhelming and impossible to figure out... then mid-level decisions like "unpacking this box and putting it's contents... where?" become even more impossible. And then things like "doing something fun with my crafting supplies.... none of which are unpacked, and there's nowhere to unpack them into, yet" means that I have a hard time accomplishing activities that rejuvenate spoons.
There are also some specific projects and things happening at work that are difficult and requiring extra effort right now.
Arisia:
I officially resigned my position as Chair of the Diversity Committee this week. I'm putting this last because, obviously, a lot of this has to do with the above situation (I'm sure there are other things adding to my stress that I'm forgetting or not mentioning right now, too). Especially that bit at work where I have to be in charge of everything -- being chair of a committee also means making a lot of the decisions about what we should do, or what work we should tackle, or who should be involved, or ... basically, if I'd had the energy to get someone to be my second in command, or even co-chair, that ... probably would've helped if I'd done it six months ago. But due to some precipitating incidents in the past week, I have decided that I need to stop. I'm thoroughly burned out on LITERALLY EVERYTHING right now. While championing diversity & inclusion is a thing I'm willing to make sacrifices for, I also have reached the end of my ability to make sacrifices right now.