Alone in the dark
It's not that she doesn't know she is broken. It's just that she has no clear idea of how to fix herself.
Asking for help would be silly. So, instead Miniyal just flounders along. At the end of the 12th month she finds herself out alone in the middle of the night. Reflection on where she is and how she's going to cope occurs while the brat sleeps.
The idea for this popped into my head as I walked the dog. For the 100th time today. I think I composed most of it while she rolled in the grass.
Sometimes she could be out-waited. Sometimes if I did it right she wouldn’t still be awake. I just had to be patient and lie very still. Eventually the sounds in the barracks settled down into sleep. Including her. Once I was sure she was asleep I carefully crawled out of my cot. It was winter and it would be cold outside, but leaving my coat out was a dead giveaway. I considered not getting it, but in the end I got it out from where it sat atop my other clothes and slipped it out on the way outside.
The middle of the night in winter was the perfect time to be outside. No snow yet, but the wind blew day and night. I buttoned up my coat and shoved my hands into the pockets. I could feel the gloves in there, but wanted my hands close. Sometimes I couldn’t think at all when she was awake. She always had an opinion, something to contribute, some reason what I said wasn’t true. And sometimes I just didn’t need that. So, I went out into the bowl and found a spot out of the way. Not so much sheltered from the wind as sheltered from other eyes.
Leaning against cold stone I looked up overhead. No clouds were overhead so the stars shined visibly. I picked out constellations at random, without even trying. Letting my brain wander from one to the other I sighed and watched my breath in the cold air. I don’t know what you wanted me to do, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t this. I don’t know why I did this. Crept out on her to speak to the stars, pretending somewhere he heard me. But no one else understands.
You always thought I could do something. Always had faith in me and you had so much I was able to live off yours. And now I have someone else who has faith in me and it’s so hard not to lean on her. Did you know? When you maneuvered me where you wanted me? How hard it would be?
He would understand what I meant. That there was no rancor, no disappointment. Why should I think he wouldn’t have done with me what he did with everyone else? I don’t think it lessened what we had. I know he loved me as surely as I know I love him. But that is what he did. He was not the sort to not arrange things as he pleased. Or try to.
My field of vision was interrupted by a dragon coming in to land. I was not worried about being seen. Or of being recognized more accurately. More suspicious looking to move suddenly so I stayed where I was and picked out a new constellation. I’m messing it all up. And you would smile or laugh when I said that and convince me I was not. Only, I really am this time. I don’t know how to fix it and she would offer me all sorts of suggestions. But you can’t and I don’t want suggestions right now. I just want. . .I don’t know.
I never knew what I wanted from him when he was alive. Why should that have changed now that he was just someone I could talk to when no one else would do? I needed him. I overheard someone the other day saying that he was with Hirth now where he belonged. Why? Why is that where he belonged? Hirth was dead. He had no need of his rider. I still did. I needed him. But it didn’t matter. What I needed didn’t matter or wasn’t supposed to. I was supposed to be thinking of what other people needed. That was a good leader. That was what I was not. What I couldn’t be. I couldn’t even guide myself and I would be expected to be. . .nothing. Not the way I was going.
I’m letting you down. I know it. I know you would say it were not so. But that doesn’t make it the truth. I’m letting everyone down. Except all the ones waiting for me to fall. And there are so many of them.
Just a couple of days ago one of the other weyrlings had snidely pointed out that if I kept fucking up I’d barely have time to graduate before I was transferred out and someone better brought in. He might have had a point. But I doubt it. That would require them to trust me to be quiet. I knew too much to be sent off somewhere else. They wouldn’t trust me. They wouldn’t know I would be quiet. I’m not her. I can keep my mouth shut. Still, maybe they would. Maybe they would find some good excuse. Beyond the ones I gave them I suppose.
I don’t know how to fix it. I wish you were here to help me. You always showed me what I couldn’t see. I relied on you to do that. I know I did. I know that some of what they said was true. I did look to you, but so what? You were older, smarter. . .you knew things. Not the same things I knew. I know, Gans. I know that if you were alive I would happily be looking to you still. And a part of me hates knowing that. Knowing that I would rather hide behind you.
I hate that what makes me the most upset is I don’t know why. Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you write it down? I can guess. I can suppose. But I don’t /know/ and that will haunt me forever. I could almost hate you for it. If I didn’t love you so much. I’m sorry.
I didn’t want to miss him. I didn’t want to think about him. I didn’t want to start every day feeling empty. I just didn’t know how to fix it. I was broken in a way that made no sense. She said I needed someone to talk to like it was easy. Like. . .like. . .I don’t know. Like anyone wanted to. I’d messed up so bad. There wasn’t even a way to fix it. Not by now. I had ruined it. I’d ruined it all.
It was getting later. I should think about. . .I don’t know. Not sleeping. Never sleeping. I could drink, but I had promised her I wouldn’t. Not for a little while. At least I could try not to break a promise to her. Even if nothing else ever worked out right I would do right by her. Somehow. I had to try. She deserved better.
Nonsense. There is no one better. Oh. She’d woken up. You worry and I wake up. It upsets my dreams.
Well, that was something new. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. How come you never told me before?
You did not need to know. It was not something that happened often. Now it happens more. I worry about you. Shall I come to you?
It was more trouble. It was bound to be more trouble. I should go back to my cot even if I was not tired. I’m cold.
Then I will come out. I will explain. There will be no trouble. I waited for her. It didn’t take long before she appeared and made her way to where I was. I waited for her to get settled and then sat beside her. Leaning against her we sat still and watched the stars shine until the light grew. Until they disappeared in the sky. Until we weren’t alone anymore as the weyr woke up around us. But people didn’t get close enough to bother us as we watched the sun come up. When it was too light to see anything of interest in the sky I stood up. We had things to do.
I’ll make it right. Somehow. I’m not sure as we crossed the bowl who I was promising. Her or him. It didn’t matter I guess. It’s not like I thought I could do it anyway. No matter what she told me.
Asking for help would be silly. So, instead Miniyal just flounders along. At the end of the 12th month she finds herself out alone in the middle of the night. Reflection on where she is and how she's going to cope occurs while the brat sleeps.
The idea for this popped into my head as I walked the dog. For the 100th time today. I think I composed most of it while she rolled in the grass.
Sometimes she could be out-waited. Sometimes if I did it right she wouldn’t still be awake. I just had to be patient and lie very still. Eventually the sounds in the barracks settled down into sleep. Including her. Once I was sure she was asleep I carefully crawled out of my cot. It was winter and it would be cold outside, but leaving my coat out was a dead giveaway. I considered not getting it, but in the end I got it out from where it sat atop my other clothes and slipped it out on the way outside.
The middle of the night in winter was the perfect time to be outside. No snow yet, but the wind blew day and night. I buttoned up my coat and shoved my hands into the pockets. I could feel the gloves in there, but wanted my hands close. Sometimes I couldn’t think at all when she was awake. She always had an opinion, something to contribute, some reason what I said wasn’t true. And sometimes I just didn’t need that. So, I went out into the bowl and found a spot out of the way. Not so much sheltered from the wind as sheltered from other eyes.
Leaning against cold stone I looked up overhead. No clouds were overhead so the stars shined visibly. I picked out constellations at random, without even trying. Letting my brain wander from one to the other I sighed and watched my breath in the cold air. I don’t know what you wanted me to do, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t this. I don’t know why I did this. Crept out on her to speak to the stars, pretending somewhere he heard me. But no one else understands.
You always thought I could do something. Always had faith in me and you had so much I was able to live off yours. And now I have someone else who has faith in me and it’s so hard not to lean on her. Did you know? When you maneuvered me where you wanted me? How hard it would be?
He would understand what I meant. That there was no rancor, no disappointment. Why should I think he wouldn’t have done with me what he did with everyone else? I don’t think it lessened what we had. I know he loved me as surely as I know I love him. But that is what he did. He was not the sort to not arrange things as he pleased. Or try to.
My field of vision was interrupted by a dragon coming in to land. I was not worried about being seen. Or of being recognized more accurately. More suspicious looking to move suddenly so I stayed where I was and picked out a new constellation. I’m messing it all up. And you would smile or laugh when I said that and convince me I was not. Only, I really am this time. I don’t know how to fix it and she would offer me all sorts of suggestions. But you can’t and I don’t want suggestions right now. I just want. . .I don’t know.
I never knew what I wanted from him when he was alive. Why should that have changed now that he was just someone I could talk to when no one else would do? I needed him. I overheard someone the other day saying that he was with Hirth now where he belonged. Why? Why is that where he belonged? Hirth was dead. He had no need of his rider. I still did. I needed him. But it didn’t matter. What I needed didn’t matter or wasn’t supposed to. I was supposed to be thinking of what other people needed. That was a good leader. That was what I was not. What I couldn’t be. I couldn’t even guide myself and I would be expected to be. . .nothing. Not the way I was going.
I’m letting you down. I know it. I know you would say it were not so. But that doesn’t make it the truth. I’m letting everyone down. Except all the ones waiting for me to fall. And there are so many of them.
Just a couple of days ago one of the other weyrlings had snidely pointed out that if I kept fucking up I’d barely have time to graduate before I was transferred out and someone better brought in. He might have had a point. But I doubt it. That would require them to trust me to be quiet. I knew too much to be sent off somewhere else. They wouldn’t trust me. They wouldn’t know I would be quiet. I’m not her. I can keep my mouth shut. Still, maybe they would. Maybe they would find some good excuse. Beyond the ones I gave them I suppose.
I don’t know how to fix it. I wish you were here to help me. You always showed me what I couldn’t see. I relied on you to do that. I know I did. I know that some of what they said was true. I did look to you, but so what? You were older, smarter. . .you knew things. Not the same things I knew. I know, Gans. I know that if you were alive I would happily be looking to you still. And a part of me hates knowing that. Knowing that I would rather hide behind you.
I hate that what makes me the most upset is I don’t know why. Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you write it down? I can guess. I can suppose. But I don’t /know/ and that will haunt me forever. I could almost hate you for it. If I didn’t love you so much. I’m sorry.
I didn’t want to miss him. I didn’t want to think about him. I didn’t want to start every day feeling empty. I just didn’t know how to fix it. I was broken in a way that made no sense. She said I needed someone to talk to like it was easy. Like. . .like. . .I don’t know. Like anyone wanted to. I’d messed up so bad. There wasn’t even a way to fix it. Not by now. I had ruined it. I’d ruined it all.
It was getting later. I should think about. . .I don’t know. Not sleeping. Never sleeping. I could drink, but I had promised her I wouldn’t. Not for a little while. At least I could try not to break a promise to her. Even if nothing else ever worked out right I would do right by her. Somehow. I had to try. She deserved better.
Nonsense. There is no one better. Oh. She’d woken up. You worry and I wake up. It upsets my dreams.
Well, that was something new. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. How come you never told me before?
You did not need to know. It was not something that happened often. Now it happens more. I worry about you. Shall I come to you?
It was more trouble. It was bound to be more trouble. I should go back to my cot even if I was not tired. I’m cold.
Then I will come out. I will explain. There will be no trouble. I waited for her. It didn’t take long before she appeared and made her way to where I was. I waited for her to get settled and then sat beside her. Leaning against her we sat still and watched the stars shine until the light grew. Until they disappeared in the sky. Until we weren’t alone anymore as the weyr woke up around us. But people didn’t get close enough to bother us as we watched the sun come up. When it was too light to see anything of interest in the sky I stood up. We had things to do.
I’ll make it right. Somehow. I’m not sure as we crossed the bowl who I was promising. Her or him. It didn’t matter I guess. It’s not like I thought I could do it anyway. No matter what she told me.