The phone calls will have to be made - to *not* make the phone calls and hope no one will bring their kids, is unrealistic, when you said that people have usually brought their kids.
But it doesn't have to be a series of dramatic phone calls. M is hosting (or, co-hosting) your party, so you can't put too much emphasis on making her the bad guy, but I think that a simple phone call thusly should do it:
Hi [name of guest], it's "B". I just wanted to let you know that the invitations to my baby shower have been sent out (or are being sent out). I wasn't sure about whether or not children were invited, so there's no mention of it on the invitation, but I do have to tell you that M has requested that it be an adults-only party. I'm sorry if that causes a babysitting problem, but I have to abide by M's wishes since it's at her house. I hope you can still come."
And leave it at that.
There is a little bit of a worrying-too-much element to it, sweet friend, but I understand why you are feeling upset about it. And having to finish off and mail the invitations to your own shower, that's frustrating and the co-hosts should have done better in that regard. Having done the entire wedding reception luncheon setup on my own with Sem at 10pm the night before the morning of our wedding because G flaked out completely and left it to us to deal with (on top of all the other wedding prep, the getting-ready-for-company plans, the spousal visa application madness, and the moving-my-entire-life-across-the-ocean mania), I understand your hurt and frustration.
But the decision to not have kids has nothing to do with you... like you said, you were fine with either decision, you just didn't want to put it on the invitation. But I think you don't need to go into all of that on the phone with your guests. I think they need the barest minimum of information: the invitations are on their way, M has requested that no one bring children, and you hope that the adults can still come to your party.
If they express surprise or are upset by it, you can certainly say "I don't really know why M requested this, as I wouldn't have minded if kids were there, but I have to respect M's wishes since it's her house and I just wanted to let you know, since it's not specified on the invitation."
And then it's up to them. If they have a problem with it, tell them to take it up with M. Remind them that you are the person who this party is for, not the person who is hosting or organizing it. And then let them sort it out.
I hope it turns out to be a really lovely party, sweet girlie. Please try to relax about it. You know what kind of non-conflict person S is, and you knew it in advance, so being angry with her now isn't helping anything. As for M, maybe parts of her house were damaged or she felt put-upon for being made to babysit while everyone else had a good time, and I can understand that, too. She at least has been honest throughout, and has let you and S know how she feels. I don't think you can just hope people don't bring kids to the party... I think you have to let them know, and if S won't do it and M won't do it, yes, unfortunately that has to be your job.
Which stinks, because none of this should have been your job.
There probably won't be any drama. Just explain it briefly and clearly and let them react how they will. If someone makes drama, let them take it to M's doorstep, not yours.
Sending huge love and strength and patience, and understanding, too. It all does probably feel worse right now because all you want is to enjoy this time, but it's not the end of the world, either. You'll make the phone calls and the short explanation, and no one will think badly of you because you're not the one banning children - M is, and you can let people know that it's her decision, since it's her house.
I had no idea that G flaked on organizing your reception luncheon. How awful that you and Sem had to deal with that the night before!!
And there I was the night before my wedding, crying because I couldn't find my special sexy underwear. Sometimes it takes other people's experiences to put things into perspetive!!
This morning I still woke up very upset, and then I read your reply and suddenly it felt so much less than it felt yesterday. Calling everyone and using your suggestions as a guideline seems do-able now. I actually feel quite a bit better.
Sunday night the baby kicked for 7 hours straight and I never fell asleep. So yesterday I was completely wiped and this only served to exacerbate my feelings.
Thanks for your perspective and for being the voice of reason. I hope you know how much it helped to calm me down!!
You have every right to be upset, though I'm glad you've got a little more perspective now that you've had some rest and some love and support here! I'm glad you're feeling a bit better about it, and I wish you an easy buncha phone calls :-)
Your body is doing probably the most demanding thing it has ever done, marathon(g)s included. Be gentle with yourself, sweetheart. This problem with the no-kids-invitation is not insurmountable, it wasn't your decision, and it'll be okay. And if it's not okay with the parents who have to leave their kids at home, they can take it up with M, not with you. Don't accept any blame in this, okay? If they moan about it, tell them firmly that you are not the one they should complain to. They should complain to the person who excluded their kids.
The phone calls will have to be made - to *not* make the phone calls and hope no one will bring their kids, is unrealistic, when you said that people have usually brought their kids.
But it doesn't have to be a series of dramatic phone calls. M is hosting (or, co-hosting) your party, so you can't put too much emphasis on making her the bad guy, but I think that a simple phone call thusly should do it:
Hi [name of guest], it's "B". I just wanted to let you know that the invitations to my baby shower have been sent out (or are being sent out). I wasn't sure about whether or not children were invited, so there's no mention of it on the invitation, but I do have to tell you that M has requested that it be an adults-only party. I'm sorry if that causes a babysitting problem, but I have to abide by M's wishes since it's at her house. I hope you can still come."
And leave it at that.
There is a little bit of a worrying-too-much element to it, sweet friend, but I understand why you are feeling upset about it. And having to finish off and mail the invitations to your own shower, that's frustrating and the co-hosts should have done better in that regard. Having done the entire wedding reception luncheon setup on my own with Sem at 10pm the night before the morning of our wedding because G flaked out completely and left it to us to deal with (on top of all the other wedding prep, the getting-ready-for-company plans, the spousal visa application madness, and the moving-my-entire-life-across-the-ocean mania), I understand your hurt and frustration.
But the decision to not have kids has nothing to do with you... like you said, you were fine with either decision, you just didn't want to put it on the invitation. But I think you don't need to go into all of that on the phone with your guests. I think they need the barest minimum of information: the invitations are on their way, M has requested that no one bring children, and you hope that the adults can still come to your party.
If they express surprise or are upset by it, you can certainly say "I don't really know why M requested this, as I wouldn't have minded if kids were there, but I have to respect M's wishes since it's her house and I just wanted to let you know, since it's not specified on the invitation."
And then it's up to them. If they have a problem with it, tell them to take it up with M. Remind them that you are the person who this party is for, not the person who is hosting or organizing it. And then let them sort it out.
I hope it turns out to be a really lovely party, sweet girlie. Please try to relax about it. You know what kind of non-conflict person S is, and you knew it in advance, so being angry with her now isn't helping anything. As for M, maybe parts of her house were damaged or she felt put-upon for being made to babysit while everyone else had a good time, and I can understand that, too. She at least has been honest throughout, and has let you and S know how she feels. I don't think you can just hope people don't bring kids to the party... I think you have to let them know, and if S won't do it and M won't do it, yes, unfortunately that has to be your job.
Which stinks, because none of this should have been your job.
There probably won't be any drama. Just explain it briefly and clearly and let them react how they will. If someone makes drama, let them take it to M's doorstep, not yours.
Sending huge love and strength and patience, and understanding, too. It all does probably feel worse right now because all you want is to enjoy this time, but it's not the end of the world, either. You'll make the phone calls and the short explanation, and no one will think badly of you because you're not the one banning children - M is, and you can let people know that it's her decision, since it's her house.
Let us know how things go, sweetheart.
xoxoxo
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And there I was the night before my wedding, crying because I couldn't find my special sexy underwear. Sometimes it takes other people's experiences to put things into perspetive!!
This morning I still woke up very upset, and then I read your reply and suddenly it felt so much less than it felt yesterday. Calling everyone and using your suggestions as a guideline seems do-able now. I actually feel quite a bit better.
Sunday night the baby kicked for 7 hours straight and I never fell asleep. So yesterday I was completely wiped and this only served to exacerbate my feelings.
Thanks for your perspective and for being the voice of reason. I hope you know how much it helped to calm me down!!
Reply
Your body is doing probably the most demanding thing it has ever done, marathon(g)s included. Be gentle with yourself, sweetheart. This problem with the no-kids-invitation is not insurmountable, it wasn't your decision, and it'll be okay. And if it's not okay with the parents who have to leave their kids at home, they can take it up with M, not with you. Don't accept any blame in this, okay? If they moan about it, tell them firmly that you are not the one they should complain to. They should complain to the person who excluded their kids.
Sending heaps of love.
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Thanks for all your advice!!!
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