Baby Shower Blues
I don't know why I can't have a special event planned for me without it becoming a stupidly tearful process for me.
A friend of mine did the artwork for my baby shower invitations. She did not have time to lay in the text (invitation details) in Photoshop because she is in the midst of planning her wedding and it's all too much for her.
Since the two people hosting my shower don't know how to use Photoshop or how to turn a file into a press ready PDF, it fell upon me to finish up the invitations. Once they were printed, it seemed silly to drive 40 minutes one way to drop off the invitations to one of the host's house for her to mail them out. So I took care of that too. They are all mailed as of yesterday.
Despite the fact that I doubt either of the hosts will offer to help pay for the costs that I incured for getting them printed up and the costs of mailing them (about $45 total), this is not where the drama lays. If this is all it were, I would throw my hands up in joy that this was the worst of it.
While I was laying in the invitation details in Photoshop, I had asked one of the hosts, S, if children were allowed to attend. She said she didn't know and I should ask M, who is the owner of the house where the baby shower will be hosted. I wanted to be polite, but honestly didn't think she would say no to children as I've attended many parties at her place and there have always been children there.
To my surprise, she said she didn't want children present, saying that she recently threw a birthday party for an adult and everyone brought their kids and no one was watching them and by the end of the night they were sliding down her stairs banister. The parents weren't monitoring their children's screaming, running around, causing havoc... nothing. So it was up to M to babysit and by the end of the night she was pissed.
She also said that she wanted me to be the focus at my babyshower - it went unsaid that children often want to be the center of attention even if it's not their party and they can cause such a disturbance that it takes focus away from who and what the party is for.
I am fine with children being present at my baby shower, and I am fine if children are not present at my baby shower. Neither possibility is upsetting to me.
I asked M how we should let people know that it's an adult party only. She said to put it on the invitation. I reluctantly agreed, but left that conversation feeling a bit disturbed about it. The more I thought about it, the more the idea of putting any sort of blurb on the invitation that indicated that children were not allowed bothered me. It felt rude. And it felt even more icky because it would be ME putting that blurb on the invitation despite the fact that when I mailed them, it looks like it's coming from one of the hosts. It still felt like it was ME putting that restriction on the people being invited.
I consulted with S who was the one who suggested that I call M regarding children and she said to hold off on sending the invitations and she would work on softening M up regarding children being present. S was concerned that the people with children simply wouldn't come to the party and that I would end up with fewer people attending. And, like me, she was really surprised that M was putting out the "no children" restriction since children have always come to parties at her house.
In the meantime, I asked two friends how they think it should be handled. One is a Mother, the other is not. They both said that "adults only" in any form on a baby shower invitation was a bit rude and not the best way of handling it. It was suggested that it might be best to call the people who would most likely bring kids and let them know what was going on.
I decided that I would leave the "adult only/no children allowed" blurb off the invitation and that I would just have to call everyone myself (but hoping that S would be able to get M to soften up so that I wouldn't have to make any phone calls at all). And you might wonder, why is it that YOU have to make the calls. When I made this decision, I already knew that S would not do it. She's one of those "go with the flow and do everything to avoid conflict so I don't have to be the bad guy" so there's no way she would step up to take on this task (she's a "try to please everyone" sort of person). And in order to avoid what I knew would be an uncomfortable conversation with M, I wasn't going to tell her my solution and try to enlist her help because she would just insist that I should just put it on the invitation and be done with it. And I wasn't comfortable with that being on my baby shower invitations. So yep, it lies on me to call people and tell them "M doesn't want children at my baby shower. But I hope you can still come." This could very well piss off M since an "adults only" blurb on the invitation would absolve any one person of having to be the "bad guy" who said no children allowed. It's more anonymous than me calling people and saying, "M said...".
So now I am in the midst of working up my nerve to call 13 people and hope they'll be understanding and not fault me for the restriction. They are going to wonder why it's me doing the calling and not one of the hosts, and despite the fact that I will tell them it was M's decision, it could appear that I'm in favor of it because I'm the one who's calling (as stated before, I am fine with children being present or children not being present. What I'm not fine with is offending anyone or doing anything outside of proper etiquette - and being the one who ends up being the offender!! And ending up with fewer people at my shower because they felt offended or couldn't afford a babysitter)
By the way, S's method of "softening up M" turned into a single email with M... S said that M said, "I don't want kids running up and down my stairs." So S sent me an email that said, "Sorry! I guess if people ask, just say the owner prefers not to have kids."
So yeah, she really spent a lot of time trying to "soften up M."
Notice that S's very brief email to me said nothing or implied anything like, "Don't worry. When people call me to RSVP I'll make sure they know this is an adult only party." It doesn't even say, "If people ask ME (me, meaning S herself), I will tell them that the owner prefers not to have kids present."
The way it's worded is that she has no intention of stepping up and trying to help remedy this situation.
Really, cuz you know, it's up to the guest of honor to fix things. Um. That would be me.
But you know, in the end it really does come down to being my fault since I should have done as M instructed and put an adults only blurb on the invitation. You know, I would have been blissfully unaware of all of this had it not been up to me to do my invitations. I should have just gone with whatever they would have done had I left it up to them. It would have been one of those generic pre-designed cards that you print the text on via your own computer/printer. Had I just been okay with that, I would not have been involved in any of this and blissfully unaware. That's what I get for wanting something extra special.
Instead, I've been crying off and on all day wondering how to handle the phone calls and feeling like I don't want to have to do any more work for my baby shower than I have. And knowing that I was the one who made the wrong decision by leaving the adult blurb off my invitations, so yes, I have to be the one to fix it.
I just want to rest and be quiet. And enjoy the fun and surprise of a baby shower being THROWN FOR ME.
Maybe if I just leave it alone (meaning make no phone calls) no one will bring their kids anyways and I'll have done all this fretting and worrying and crying for nothing. But based on the people who I think will come, and being that many of them are friends with M and are used to bringing their children to parties at her place, I estimate there's going to end up being approximately 12 children who show up. And if they do show up, M is going to wonder why no one honored the "adult only" blurb on the invitations and it will only be a matter of time until it comes out one way or another that the invitations never said it was an adult only party.
M will be pissed. And I will feel awful (already do).
On top of this, it appears that S already knew even before I asked that M didn't want children at the party. Why she didn't come outright and tell me isn't too surprising. She didn't want to deal with it... that's part of her "avoid the conflict so I don't have to be the bad guy" personality. Had she told me that to begin with, I might have just avoided calling M and asking her, and not worrying about any of this and in the end I could have just feigned innocence and said, "I had no idea children wouldn't be welcome at your house. They've always been welcome before." But I guess that's not very honest.
None of this may even matter in the end. Maybe the drama is all in my head. Maybe I just perpetuate the drama by worrying so much.