Warning Triggers about Sexual Abuse
I'm saying stuff here because I have to say, I've cut because you don't have to read
I don't get very involved in discussions about sexual harassment or abuse. I don't get involved in discussions about violence perpetrated to women. I don't read blogs about it; I don't do anything to support the charities...in reality? I hide from it.
Why?
Things happened to me when I was a teenager, things that hurt me very much. I haven't really spoken about it to anyone, not even my husband.
Why?
I was verbally abused and harassed for months when I was 14 and I have never told a living soul what that horrible person said to me?
Why?
Because I want to pretend it never happened. No one knew what was happening in that math class when he was whispering in my ear that he was going to rape my mother. No one knew until someone poked me in my next class and I stood up in hysterical sobbing that shocked the entire class including my teacher. Why didn't I tell my mom before it got so bad? Because I didn't want it to be happening. I tried to push it out of my head. You have no idea what its cost me to write what he said about my mom. I've tried so hard to forget it that remembering even a tiny piece of the abuse hurts. It's been 12 years and yes, it still hurts.
I try not to think about the boyfriend who forced his fingers into me in a public place when I didn't want him to...or the fact that he called me a whore and I somehow ended up begging for forgiveness.
I try to pretend none of this ever happened. I can't tell you what it's costing me to write this.
It doesn't help that when I told one friend about what happened to me with the ex-boyfriend and what he did she got mad at me for daring to call it rape (I had no other words) and then described something horrific that had happened to a friend of hers and how it wasn't right for someone like me to claim rape when it "wasn't really".
People ask why women don't speak up, why women who've gone through it don't do all they can to stop it happening to others and I say it's because we don't want to admit it happened. We want to forget about it and be able to move on with our lives and instead we carry these bundles of pain and fear deep in our heads and when we're alone in the dark we fight a nightly battle to keep them down.
I was only with the awful ex for about a month, which was long enough for him to hurt me but not so long that I couldn't get over it at all, and not so long that I couldn't acknowledge it was a very very unhealthy relationship because I wasn't well at the time.
The verbal harassment at the hands of a class mate went on for longer...I still today couldn't tell you what he said because once I start to think about it I feel sick to my stomach start shaking. Because of that he wasn't removed from my class and was just moved across the room. They also put him in another class with me two years later (though I had a male friend who sat between me and him and shielded me from the worst AND the bastard was arrested for some other reason halfway through the school year.) This was not the first, or the last time the school choose to ignore sexual harassment between students.
I don't know if there is a way to help the "Please let this not have happened" defense mechanism. I've used it for other things as well, things I'll have to face at some point and I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'm saying these things now because I have to say them at some point, and I might as well say them now.
Now please excuse me while I throw up.
I don't get very involved in discussions about sexual harassment or abuse. I don't get involved in discussions about violence perpetrated to women. I don't read blogs about it; I don't do anything to support the charities...in reality? I hide from it.
Why?
Things happened to me when I was a teenager, things that hurt me very much. I haven't really spoken about it to anyone, not even my husband.
Why?
I was verbally abused and harassed for months when I was 14 and I have never told a living soul what that horrible person said to me?
Why?
Because I want to pretend it never happened. No one knew what was happening in that math class when he was whispering in my ear that he was going to rape my mother. No one knew until someone poked me in my next class and I stood up in hysterical sobbing that shocked the entire class including my teacher. Why didn't I tell my mom before it got so bad? Because I didn't want it to be happening. I tried to push it out of my head. You have no idea what its cost me to write what he said about my mom. I've tried so hard to forget it that remembering even a tiny piece of the abuse hurts. It's been 12 years and yes, it still hurts.
I try not to think about the boyfriend who forced his fingers into me in a public place when I didn't want him to...or the fact that he called me a whore and I somehow ended up begging for forgiveness.
I try to pretend none of this ever happened. I can't tell you what it's costing me to write this.
It doesn't help that when I told one friend about what happened to me with the ex-boyfriend and what he did she got mad at me for daring to call it rape (I had no other words) and then described something horrific that had happened to a friend of hers and how it wasn't right for someone like me to claim rape when it "wasn't really".
People ask why women don't speak up, why women who've gone through it don't do all they can to stop it happening to others and I say it's because we don't want to admit it happened. We want to forget about it and be able to move on with our lives and instead we carry these bundles of pain and fear deep in our heads and when we're alone in the dark we fight a nightly battle to keep them down.
I was only with the awful ex for about a month, which was long enough for him to hurt me but not so long that I couldn't get over it at all, and not so long that I couldn't acknowledge it was a very very unhealthy relationship because I wasn't well at the time.
The verbal harassment at the hands of a class mate went on for longer...I still today couldn't tell you what he said because once I start to think about it I feel sick to my stomach start shaking. Because of that he wasn't removed from my class and was just moved across the room. They also put him in another class with me two years later (though I had a male friend who sat between me and him and shielded me from the worst AND the bastard was arrested for some other reason halfway through the school year.) This was not the first, or the last time the school choose to ignore sexual harassment between students.
I don't know if there is a way to help the "Please let this not have happened" defense mechanism. I've used it for other things as well, things I'll have to face at some point and I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'm saying these things now because I have to say them at some point, and I might as well say them now.
Now please excuse me while I throw up.