Can't close my eyes without thinking of you
I am but one guy, one guy who can't control his emotions. Nobody can control their emotions, no matter how much they try. They can mask their emotions, but when the emotions come out its at a bad time.
What's funny is a good bud of mine, Bobby, is going through something very similar to me. Except his situation is slightly different. I'll go into that later.
But for now, let me let you dive into my world.
I am but a simple man who can't resist girls. Romance is a big part of my life, and I love it when there is romance in my life. It's not always the best, but it's what keeps me going. When I don't have some romance in my life, I don't feel my best. I can get moody and I just don't feel my best.
My biggest problem is when I start liking someone, it takes me a hell of alot of time to not like them anymore. This is what causes my problems, I don't let go of people which cause others pain. For example: it has been years since Laur and I dated but I still have thoughts about her occassionally and deep down I still like her. I started liking Stace back in 8th grade, I still have feelings for her.
See my point? I don't move on that well. I keep these feelings for years to come.
Biggest problem with that is my feelings for others start to arise and come out at the wrong time. It starts happening after I'm with somebody. Which, ultimately, causes pain for the girl I'm with, the other girl, and me.
I have the problem of getting into a relationship thinking that I solely like the person I am getting with. It's either that or I think I have no chance with the other girl and here's the one right in front of me that I like. So I just go ahead and jump into the relationship, and then it crumbles down. The other girl, or some other girl, comes and all the feelings arise. Then look what happens.
Now, the girls in my life that I can honestly say I have feelings for and like are Mir, Shenae, Cas, Kate, Laur, and Stacey. Yes, that is a long list, but understand that some of these people I have liked for quite some time. This is what leads me to the problem. It can never be simple like back in the day where I could like someone and only one of them would like me back at the same time. Now its a completely different game to where its like I have to choose between them.
Mir: I never thought of her as more than a friend until after we moved in together. Just being around her all the time made me see how great of a person she really was. She wasn't around that much though, always out doing other things. Then I move away to Montreal and she moves back with her parents and we start talking online. The conversations were great and I realized that there was something about her that I wasn't able to shake. The feelings for her grew, then she started talking about the bellboy in London and I figured there was nothing between us, that there couldn't be anything. Then I start dating Cas and it was all good until I go back to Montreal and then Mir comes. The feelings instantly arose and I had tons of fun with her. She respected the fact that I was with Cas, and to my knowledge at the time she didn't like me. Still, she made me question my relationship with Cas since I was having all these feelings for her. Just the way we could have fun but yet still be serious made things so much better. I could open up to her and talk to her and not worry about being judged. Then Shenae came and everything happened with that, Mir was the first person I told. It was hard at first but she stuck by me, she didn't leave me. She helped me get through it all and get through the telling Cas part. She's stayed by me, she's truly been wonderful. She has so many likeable qualities, I can't help but be smitten with her.
Shenae: I started getting my feelings for her when she started hanging around the studio I lived in because of Mir living there. She was always loads of fun and there was just something different about her. Something you can't find in anyone else. Then when she told me she liked me, I jumped into that relationship. I told her at first I had to think about it because at that point Stace and I were talking and not arguing anymore and my feelings for Stace were there. But within 2 days I started dating Shenae and the day after I started dating her was when my grandmother passed. That was a horrible experience and I feel bad that it happened right after Shenae and I started dating because I was a wreck. I remember her trying to cheer me up and talk to me through it, which she did get me to open up about it, but she just wasn't there for me as I would have liked. It was like she expected me to be fine like the day after we talked about it, which ofcourse I wasn't fine, I'm still not fine with my grandmas death. But whenever I would seem upset by it she would act like I was so annoying for it. Then with how we didn't do much with eachother and the way she reacted to what my friend said, it just got me to jump out and dump her. Honestly, I just used what my friend said as an excuse to break up with her. I could tell it wasn't going to work, it didn't change my feelings for her though. Then how she acted all heartbroken and depressed over it for weeks after that, I felt like shit but I was kind of pissed about it too since she didn't like how I was so upset over my grandma's death. My grandma was around for my whole 18 years of life, I dated Shenae for like 4 days, yet she's aloud to be more upset over our breakup then I am over my grandmas death? Doesn't make sense to me. So she just, honestly, got annoying to me with that whole situation, yet I still liked her. Oh, and when she found out about how Stacey and I made out after I broke up with her, she completely freaked about it. That was just, annoying. I didn't cheat on her, so she should have been happy that I resisted that long. But she just had to go and make my life and Stace's life miserable. Then when we finally had a normal talk with eachother online it was mostly us flirting and trying to turn the other on. Then that same day she comes to Montreal and that's when everything happened. I couldn't control my emotions or my hormones, I could control my actions, I just chose to go along with everything. I know it was wrong of me since I was with Cas, but the emotions took over and honestly its what I wanted. If I could go back I would change the fact that I was dating Cas at the time, but if I couldnt' change that then most likely the same thing would have happened. It was an incredible experience and I'm glad it was with Shenae. At first I hated myself for it, but it was a great thing. Just sucks that it was when I was with Cas. It proved how I still do like Shenae though.
Cas: Between our hot makeout sessions on Degrassi and us just hanging around, I fell for her while shooting season 3. Nothing ever became of it until a few months ago. Then we started hanging out more and I found out she liked me. She helped me with some of the family issues I was going through at the time and I tried my best to help her with her personal problems. I couldn't handle her problem though, I freaked about it. We started fighting because of my personal thoughts on what she would do, then we started not talking as much. I had the thing with Shenae, she had her thing with Ryan. I let her in on mine and Stace's secret, only to have her go tell Shenae, which was who I didn't want finding out. My trust in her went down and she used the defense that Shenae deserved to know. It wasn't like I did it while dating Shenae, so it wasn't any of Shenae's business. It was just her going into her boy-hating mode since Ryan cheated on her. Then her and Shenae made Stace's life hell, I hated them for that. Then after all that ended we talked online a bit more and next thing I know she's in the Carribbeans with me. Could have been the island fever that made my feelings for her come out more, but next thing I know we're talking about us and then we're dating. It was going great until I came back to Montreal. I had made the comment down there "what happens in the Carribbeans stays in the Carribbeans" but that was before we started dating and we said that didn't apply to us dating. Maybe it should have though, because maybe I just rushed into it again. So I wanted it to work, but then my feelings for Mir came out more, then Shenae came here. It was too complicated and I had that feeling that it wouldn't work out between me and her before Shenae came, but then I thought maybe all I need is to see her and spend time with her when I was back in TO and it would be fine. But then that whole Shenae thing happened, proving I was an idiot to think that. Atleast I admitted it to Cas right when I saw her. I had the plan that I was just going to break up with her and tell her I did something bad but I wasn't going to tell her what it was, but I told her what it was.
Kate: I developed my liking for Kate when I filmed the ep of RFR. We talked after that and became good friends. I finally got the courage to ask her out a few months ago and she rejected me, saying I was too immature. Then a few days later she tells me she made a mistake and she wanted to be with me, but I didn't get with her. I liked her alot but I just wasn't going to fall for that. We remained friends though, then moved in together. People suspected things between us, but nothing ever happened. She ended up getting a boyfriend and then I moved away. I came back one weekend, the day before Sweetest Day actually, and her boyfriend had broken up with her. She was devistated over it so I spent all of Sweetest Day with her. Well really it was her and Stace, because Stace and I argued over text messages the whole day. Then my time with her was cut short by me going to LA to be with Stace. Kate went to Montreal though, and helped me with my illness. She was great and I liked her, just not the way to date her. We all go down to the Carribbeans and I helped her hook up with one of my buds, which she is still with him right now. I like her though, just I don't think its enough to ever date her or anything.
Laur- I've liked her since the first day I met her. Cheesy, I know, but its the truth. Even with our dating and breaking up, I still like her. That was many years ago too. I still have those times when I wonder where I went wrong and why we broke up. She's a special girl though, one I'll always remember.
Stace- I've liked her since 8th grade, I was just a dork and too afraid back then to do anything about it. Plus I didn't think she had a thing for me. I find out in September that she did though, all these years later. At that time we were constantly fighting, then talking, then fighting. Our friendship was nothing but fighting. Then she moved to LA and the distance did us wonders. We started talking again, talking greatly. I started dating Shenae and the next day I started dating her Stace came into town and my grandma passed away. Stace was there for me greatly, and my feelings for her came out more. I fought back kissing Stace when I was with Shenae, and I won that battle. Shenae and I broke up and I jumped at the opportunity to kiss Stace. That's all that ever happened though because she went back to LA and I went to Montreal. We talked though and then started arguing again. She made me seem like some heartless pig who just did it to do it, but it wasn't that. Then Cas told Shenae about me and Stace and Stace went ballistic on me for telling Cas. She was a wreck though, and at that time I was in TO so I left TO and went to LA even though I can't stand that place. I went there to help her through everything because I cared for her so much. My stay there got cut short by my passing out and being diagnosed with this illness that is stress related and then she thought I was blaming all my stress on her and we just argued more until she was all "you're out of my life for good" and stopped talking to me. I had no say in that. Then she started talking to me again but its not the same as it used to be. It will never be, but regardless I still like her.
Anyways, I'm just a guy who loves the girls. A guy who ends up jumping into relationships and they get torn apart by others. I can't help it though, I love romance. You can call me a hopeless romantic.
I don't regret anything in my life, life is too short to regret anything. I guess if there was one thing I would regret, it would be telling Cas about cheating on her. That sounds horrible, but it would have stopped her from having as much pain. Sure, there's the possibility she was going to find out anyways, but I still regret telling Cas. I can't help but think I drove her to this drinking and getting high thing she is doing. It's not like her, it's not who she used to be. Then all this happens and now she's out drinking and getting high, even though she sure seemed like she hated it when I would talk about doing it. I'm worried about her, I can't help that I can be protective and worry about her when it comes to this. I don't want her doing anything to hurt herself.
Maybe what I need to do is not get into a relationship with someone. It always ends up badly. Then again, I feel my best when I am romancing, plus things seem to turn out fine after the romancing is over. We'll just see what happens, because I can't control what my emotions will get me to do. Just, for all of you out there who might be affected by whatever I do, sorry if you get hurt along the way.
Now, onto Bobby. He's been with his girl Valerie for 4 years now. Kate and I recently found out though that he's been cheating on Valerie, has been for the past 5 months. I feel bad for Valerie because he claims to be a faithful guy and she's been with him for so long, but I had a long talk with Kate and made sure she wouldn't tell Valerie. It's best if she doesn't know.
My reasons for this? He's made a mistake, revealing the truth doesn't undo it. Who cares if he's what he says he is? Who the hell is? Nobody is. Some of you may say that he must not love her, but that is not true. If love is based on lies, does that mean its not a real feeling? Doesn't it bring the same pleasure? In the end all love will cause pain. Whether it be a simple breakup. someone moving away, someone cheating, or someone dying. You cannot avoid the pain. You cannot honestly say that there is a love that doesn't end in pain. Name me a love that won't end in pain and I will turn it around and show you how it does. It's just the way of life. There's not way around it. You just have to love to your fullest. We all make mistakes, not a single one of us is perfect. The key is being forgiven. You must forgive yourself for it first, like I have, then you can see who forgives you. Real love will forgive the mistakes and move on. We all need to make mistakes in love or else we would not know how to forgive, we would not know what the real love is. Now some of you may say that Kate and I should tell Valerie because what he's doing is wrong. If you want to punish him, good for you, but you can't do it without punishing the people who love him. Is it fair for her to be punished for it? You be the judge.
Everything can be going fine in a relationship, but it can just take one person who will make you feel funny, feel good. You don't want to let go of that feeling. When you find someone who can make you feel good about yourself, why would you want to let it go? I know I didn't want to let it go.
At first I wasn't able to live with myself knowing what I have done. After alot of thoughts, I have came up with everything I have stated. I can live with this, I can live with all of my mistakes. You'd be surprised what you can live with.
You can't control your emotions, just your actions. If you do something, there is obviously a reason why you did it. Everything happens for its own reason, its just not always easy to figure out the reason. Regardless though, don't regret what you do. Everyone makes mistakes, its the people who forgive you for them that matter. They're the ones that you want to hang on to.
I think this has been long enough. I'll be surprised if any of you actually read all of this. I'll end with one last note:
Life's more complicated than who gets to the finish line first.
What's funny is a good bud of mine, Bobby, is going through something very similar to me. Except his situation is slightly different. I'll go into that later.
But for now, let me let you dive into my world.
I am but a simple man who can't resist girls. Romance is a big part of my life, and I love it when there is romance in my life. It's not always the best, but it's what keeps me going. When I don't have some romance in my life, I don't feel my best. I can get moody and I just don't feel my best.
My biggest problem is when I start liking someone, it takes me a hell of alot of time to not like them anymore. This is what causes my problems, I don't let go of people which cause others pain. For example: it has been years since Laur and I dated but I still have thoughts about her occassionally and deep down I still like her. I started liking Stace back in 8th grade, I still have feelings for her.
See my point? I don't move on that well. I keep these feelings for years to come.
Biggest problem with that is my feelings for others start to arise and come out at the wrong time. It starts happening after I'm with somebody. Which, ultimately, causes pain for the girl I'm with, the other girl, and me.
I have the problem of getting into a relationship thinking that I solely like the person I am getting with. It's either that or I think I have no chance with the other girl and here's the one right in front of me that I like. So I just go ahead and jump into the relationship, and then it crumbles down. The other girl, or some other girl, comes and all the feelings arise. Then look what happens.
Now, the girls in my life that I can honestly say I have feelings for and like are Mir, Shenae, Cas, Kate, Laur, and Stacey. Yes, that is a long list, but understand that some of these people I have liked for quite some time. This is what leads me to the problem. It can never be simple like back in the day where I could like someone and only one of them would like me back at the same time. Now its a completely different game to where its like I have to choose between them.
Mir: I never thought of her as more than a friend until after we moved in together. Just being around her all the time made me see how great of a person she really was. She wasn't around that much though, always out doing other things. Then I move away to Montreal and she moves back with her parents and we start talking online. The conversations were great and I realized that there was something about her that I wasn't able to shake. The feelings for her grew, then she started talking about the bellboy in London and I figured there was nothing between us, that there couldn't be anything. Then I start dating Cas and it was all good until I go back to Montreal and then Mir comes. The feelings instantly arose and I had tons of fun with her. She respected the fact that I was with Cas, and to my knowledge at the time she didn't like me. Still, she made me question my relationship with Cas since I was having all these feelings for her. Just the way we could have fun but yet still be serious made things so much better. I could open up to her and talk to her and not worry about being judged. Then Shenae came and everything happened with that, Mir was the first person I told. It was hard at first but she stuck by me, she didn't leave me. She helped me get through it all and get through the telling Cas part. She's stayed by me, she's truly been wonderful. She has so many likeable qualities, I can't help but be smitten with her.
Shenae: I started getting my feelings for her when she started hanging around the studio I lived in because of Mir living there. She was always loads of fun and there was just something different about her. Something you can't find in anyone else. Then when she told me she liked me, I jumped into that relationship. I told her at first I had to think about it because at that point Stace and I were talking and not arguing anymore and my feelings for Stace were there. But within 2 days I started dating Shenae and the day after I started dating her was when my grandmother passed. That was a horrible experience and I feel bad that it happened right after Shenae and I started dating because I was a wreck. I remember her trying to cheer me up and talk to me through it, which she did get me to open up about it, but she just wasn't there for me as I would have liked. It was like she expected me to be fine like the day after we talked about it, which ofcourse I wasn't fine, I'm still not fine with my grandmas death. But whenever I would seem upset by it she would act like I was so annoying for it. Then with how we didn't do much with eachother and the way she reacted to what my friend said, it just got me to jump out and dump her. Honestly, I just used what my friend said as an excuse to break up with her. I could tell it wasn't going to work, it didn't change my feelings for her though. Then how she acted all heartbroken and depressed over it for weeks after that, I felt like shit but I was kind of pissed about it too since she didn't like how I was so upset over my grandma's death. My grandma was around for my whole 18 years of life, I dated Shenae for like 4 days, yet she's aloud to be more upset over our breakup then I am over my grandmas death? Doesn't make sense to me. So she just, honestly, got annoying to me with that whole situation, yet I still liked her. Oh, and when she found out about how Stacey and I made out after I broke up with her, she completely freaked about it. That was just, annoying. I didn't cheat on her, so she should have been happy that I resisted that long. But she just had to go and make my life and Stace's life miserable. Then when we finally had a normal talk with eachother online it was mostly us flirting and trying to turn the other on. Then that same day she comes to Montreal and that's when everything happened. I couldn't control my emotions or my hormones, I could control my actions, I just chose to go along with everything. I know it was wrong of me since I was with Cas, but the emotions took over and honestly its what I wanted. If I could go back I would change the fact that I was dating Cas at the time, but if I couldnt' change that then most likely the same thing would have happened. It was an incredible experience and I'm glad it was with Shenae. At first I hated myself for it, but it was a great thing. Just sucks that it was when I was with Cas. It proved how I still do like Shenae though.
Cas: Between our hot makeout sessions on Degrassi and us just hanging around, I fell for her while shooting season 3. Nothing ever became of it until a few months ago. Then we started hanging out more and I found out she liked me. She helped me with some of the family issues I was going through at the time and I tried my best to help her with her personal problems. I couldn't handle her problem though, I freaked about it. We started fighting because of my personal thoughts on what she would do, then we started not talking as much. I had the thing with Shenae, she had her thing with Ryan. I let her in on mine and Stace's secret, only to have her go tell Shenae, which was who I didn't want finding out. My trust in her went down and she used the defense that Shenae deserved to know. It wasn't like I did it while dating Shenae, so it wasn't any of Shenae's business. It was just her going into her boy-hating mode since Ryan cheated on her. Then her and Shenae made Stace's life hell, I hated them for that. Then after all that ended we talked online a bit more and next thing I know she's in the Carribbeans with me. Could have been the island fever that made my feelings for her come out more, but next thing I know we're talking about us and then we're dating. It was going great until I came back to Montreal. I had made the comment down there "what happens in the Carribbeans stays in the Carribbeans" but that was before we started dating and we said that didn't apply to us dating. Maybe it should have though, because maybe I just rushed into it again. So I wanted it to work, but then my feelings for Mir came out more, then Shenae came here. It was too complicated and I had that feeling that it wouldn't work out between me and her before Shenae came, but then I thought maybe all I need is to see her and spend time with her when I was back in TO and it would be fine. But then that whole Shenae thing happened, proving I was an idiot to think that. Atleast I admitted it to Cas right when I saw her. I had the plan that I was just going to break up with her and tell her I did something bad but I wasn't going to tell her what it was, but I told her what it was.
Kate: I developed my liking for Kate when I filmed the ep of RFR. We talked after that and became good friends. I finally got the courage to ask her out a few months ago and she rejected me, saying I was too immature. Then a few days later she tells me she made a mistake and she wanted to be with me, but I didn't get with her. I liked her alot but I just wasn't going to fall for that. We remained friends though, then moved in together. People suspected things between us, but nothing ever happened. She ended up getting a boyfriend and then I moved away. I came back one weekend, the day before Sweetest Day actually, and her boyfriend had broken up with her. She was devistated over it so I spent all of Sweetest Day with her. Well really it was her and Stace, because Stace and I argued over text messages the whole day. Then my time with her was cut short by me going to LA to be with Stace. Kate went to Montreal though, and helped me with my illness. She was great and I liked her, just not the way to date her. We all go down to the Carribbeans and I helped her hook up with one of my buds, which she is still with him right now. I like her though, just I don't think its enough to ever date her or anything.
Laur- I've liked her since the first day I met her. Cheesy, I know, but its the truth. Even with our dating and breaking up, I still like her. That was many years ago too. I still have those times when I wonder where I went wrong and why we broke up. She's a special girl though, one I'll always remember.
Stace- I've liked her since 8th grade, I was just a dork and too afraid back then to do anything about it. Plus I didn't think she had a thing for me. I find out in September that she did though, all these years later. At that time we were constantly fighting, then talking, then fighting. Our friendship was nothing but fighting. Then she moved to LA and the distance did us wonders. We started talking again, talking greatly. I started dating Shenae and the next day I started dating her Stace came into town and my grandma passed away. Stace was there for me greatly, and my feelings for her came out more. I fought back kissing Stace when I was with Shenae, and I won that battle. Shenae and I broke up and I jumped at the opportunity to kiss Stace. That's all that ever happened though because she went back to LA and I went to Montreal. We talked though and then started arguing again. She made me seem like some heartless pig who just did it to do it, but it wasn't that. Then Cas told Shenae about me and Stace and Stace went ballistic on me for telling Cas. She was a wreck though, and at that time I was in TO so I left TO and went to LA even though I can't stand that place. I went there to help her through everything because I cared for her so much. My stay there got cut short by my passing out and being diagnosed with this illness that is stress related and then she thought I was blaming all my stress on her and we just argued more until she was all "you're out of my life for good" and stopped talking to me. I had no say in that. Then she started talking to me again but its not the same as it used to be. It will never be, but regardless I still like her.
Anyways, I'm just a guy who loves the girls. A guy who ends up jumping into relationships and they get torn apart by others. I can't help it though, I love romance. You can call me a hopeless romantic.
I don't regret anything in my life, life is too short to regret anything. I guess if there was one thing I would regret, it would be telling Cas about cheating on her. That sounds horrible, but it would have stopped her from having as much pain. Sure, there's the possibility she was going to find out anyways, but I still regret telling Cas. I can't help but think I drove her to this drinking and getting high thing she is doing. It's not like her, it's not who she used to be. Then all this happens and now she's out drinking and getting high, even though she sure seemed like she hated it when I would talk about doing it. I'm worried about her, I can't help that I can be protective and worry about her when it comes to this. I don't want her doing anything to hurt herself.
Maybe what I need to do is not get into a relationship with someone. It always ends up badly. Then again, I feel my best when I am romancing, plus things seem to turn out fine after the romancing is over. We'll just see what happens, because I can't control what my emotions will get me to do. Just, for all of you out there who might be affected by whatever I do, sorry if you get hurt along the way.
Now, onto Bobby. He's been with his girl Valerie for 4 years now. Kate and I recently found out though that he's been cheating on Valerie, has been for the past 5 months. I feel bad for Valerie because he claims to be a faithful guy and she's been with him for so long, but I had a long talk with Kate and made sure she wouldn't tell Valerie. It's best if she doesn't know.
My reasons for this? He's made a mistake, revealing the truth doesn't undo it. Who cares if he's what he says he is? Who the hell is? Nobody is. Some of you may say that he must not love her, but that is not true. If love is based on lies, does that mean its not a real feeling? Doesn't it bring the same pleasure? In the end all love will cause pain. Whether it be a simple breakup. someone moving away, someone cheating, or someone dying. You cannot avoid the pain. You cannot honestly say that there is a love that doesn't end in pain. Name me a love that won't end in pain and I will turn it around and show you how it does. It's just the way of life. There's not way around it. You just have to love to your fullest. We all make mistakes, not a single one of us is perfect. The key is being forgiven. You must forgive yourself for it first, like I have, then you can see who forgives you. Real love will forgive the mistakes and move on. We all need to make mistakes in love or else we would not know how to forgive, we would not know what the real love is. Now some of you may say that Kate and I should tell Valerie because what he's doing is wrong. If you want to punish him, good for you, but you can't do it without punishing the people who love him. Is it fair for her to be punished for it? You be the judge.
Everything can be going fine in a relationship, but it can just take one person who will make you feel funny, feel good. You don't want to let go of that feeling. When you find someone who can make you feel good about yourself, why would you want to let it go? I know I didn't want to let it go.
At first I wasn't able to live with myself knowing what I have done. After alot of thoughts, I have came up with everything I have stated. I can live with this, I can live with all of my mistakes. You'd be surprised what you can live with.
You can't control your emotions, just your actions. If you do something, there is obviously a reason why you did it. Everything happens for its own reason, its just not always easy to figure out the reason. Regardless though, don't regret what you do. Everyone makes mistakes, its the people who forgive you for them that matter. They're the ones that you want to hang on to.
I think this has been long enough. I'll be surprised if any of you actually read all of this. I'll end with one last note:
Life's more complicated than who gets to the finish line first.