i just

[mindspin_kid]

looked at my last post and it sucks. ha. i knew what i was doing when i broke up with jen was wrong. still i did it in a pathetic attempt to fix my life. thats not how things work. i gave up the one person i actually give a fuck about still. she was there for me when chris died and tried to be there when adam died and i just turned her away. i thought i could fix things on my own. i failed horribly. now its me and me alone. no jen, only the faint hope i can explain to her why i made the choices i did. if a god exists he/she will let her understand and come back with me. but i know this isnt in a gods hands its in hers. and i just dont know what to do without her. i havent honestly smiled in months. i hope i follow this up with a better post.
p.s. me and pot get along well... but we need to take a break...
i love you jen.