For what it's worth... or for what i'm worth.
So, here i am, a weekend alone. Huge party @ my house, right? Uh, no. And i basically begged. Other ppl have jobs and real lives. Have done a bunch of cleaning. Yay. I mean, i like to have a clean, neat house. I'm a Virgo, right? But there is something just as depressing about having a clean, neat house as there is about having a dirty, junky house. Sure, i can draw my own satisfaction, blah blah blah, but it's like that tree riddle: If my house is clean and there's nobody around to enjoy it, does it really matter? Missy and Momma would say that it matters because it keeps Daddy off me about cleaning my house; but i could kill myself cleaning and getting rid of junk and all that, and he would not say anything nice about what i had done and probably bitch about whatever is not clean and perfect. So, i say WTH. It doesn't really matter-- I'm gonna get shit either way.
Now that i don't have a job, i don't have a default social network. (So that means NO social network.) These are people whom i enjoyed seeing and joking around with every day. Some of them i would call friends. But it's easy to forget about someone when you don't see them every day. Right now, I will do my best to stay out of that store because i still have LOTS of resentment and hurt feelings (i would probably blow up crying)-- i only HAVE to go in there one more time next Thursday to pick up my last check. But then, i would let "them" win by cutting out the only thing that really made me want to be there in the first place. It's hard for me to wrestle with that. Right now i feel so betrayed and crucified that i couldn't look at some of those people without feeling the urge to cut their tongues out. And then there's the other group of people-- the ones who matter-- and i feel shame and disappointment for letting them down when they really needed me.
So, here i am again. Indignant. Righteous. Damaged. A total fucking idiot. I just want to scream and cry at the same time. Having the same problems that i always have-- keeping my head down, not questioning, remaining oblivious. I try to dumb myself down; but once i become comfortable around ppl, i forget myself and i can't stand the BS. I should just eat Clonazepam for breakfast every day. That's about what it would take for me just to go to work everyday, go through the motions, and go home. Maybe some electroshock therapy. Now the tricky part will be finding anybody who will actually hire me. I'm not feeling that one any time soon.
Now that i don't have a job, i don't have a default social network. (So that means NO social network.) These are people whom i enjoyed seeing and joking around with every day. Some of them i would call friends. But it's easy to forget about someone when you don't see them every day. Right now, I will do my best to stay out of that store because i still have LOTS of resentment and hurt feelings (i would probably blow up crying)-- i only HAVE to go in there one more time next Thursday to pick up my last check. But then, i would let "them" win by cutting out the only thing that really made me want to be there in the first place. It's hard for me to wrestle with that. Right now i feel so betrayed and crucified that i couldn't look at some of those people without feeling the urge to cut their tongues out. And then there's the other group of people-- the ones who matter-- and i feel shame and disappointment for letting them down when they really needed me.
So, here i am again. Indignant. Righteous. Damaged. A total fucking idiot. I just want to scream and cry at the same time. Having the same problems that i always have-- keeping my head down, not questioning, remaining oblivious. I try to dumb myself down; but once i become comfortable around ppl, i forget myself and i can't stand the BS. I should just eat Clonazepam for breakfast every day. That's about what it would take for me just to go to work everyday, go through the motions, and go home. Maybe some electroshock therapy. Now the tricky part will be finding anybody who will actually hire me. I'm not feeling that one any time soon.