my mind is falling... i mean the sky is falling
i don't know what to think anymore...i'm so lost yet again....
today was weird. for no reason i was so pissed it at work it was unbelievable. allison of course was pissing me off with her dirty looks and all of that crap...but that's just her fat cow self.....
as of yesterday for some reason i don't feel like going to work anymore... it just feels like a waste of time... like i'm not going on the past i'm suppose to be going on and i've strade so far away that finally it hits me. like most of the stuff has been feeling that way and i don't know why.... if you are wondering what i mean like my whole life feels like an unfull filled peice of crud...like everything i've done is worthless and has no meaning anymore...so many times lately i've sat alone at my apartment and wondered alone to myself about what i've done and most of it i regert doing... mostly all of it...even now i don't knwo what i'm doing... it just feels like everything i've done, from the choices i've made to the guys i've dated to stoping sports and all of that stuff.
i know why all of a sudden i'm doing this...well mostly it was a time bomb waiting to happen... at least one good thing is that it didn't happen like when i'm forty and have kids and all of that crap.....at least life is giving me a chance now to choose but i have noooo clue what i'm going to do...
but today was the hammer that broke the wall wide open... letting all the light come in. it was hard for me... at one certine point more than the rest.
well MArgo had come over and took me out of the house... we drove around for a while trying to find ryan but he called and told us he "can't come out to play" . so she decided we go visit "eddie's baby", so we went there. and that's when it got me right in the sight of the baby. margo went and picked her up and i was standing behind them... she asked if i thought she was cute and i said yes but the part that really got me was when she told the baby "this could of been your mommy." that's if i heard correctly... unles my brain was playing tricks on me again. but if it was she was talking about ME.... and thus everything smacked me right in the face, and hard to. solwly it all stared being showed to me... all i could see when i looked at her was him... and wehn she saw me, after margo put her down, she started smiling and all of that... but i just passed it off a usual baby stuff and that it...
but it got me thinking back to then... how i felt with him... and how after the "chris thing" happened everything slowly fell apart out from under me... i just totally shut down and took the other path... i started doing the bad things and all of that. i became a hypercrit the one thing i hate in life....( what i give to have someone here holding me right now... to listen to me and tell me it's alright i'll be fine...) i don't know i've lost myself...
(put in mix music list from computer on can't take any more love songs)
let's see what else we went by george's house and i said aloud " another mistake on my part" but only i knew what i ment with that.... he was a good guy to me... and i fucked it up and every day i die inside wantiing so badly to apologize for what i did. like i'll sit and start to write a letter to him and a i freeze and just can't... cuz what i did was so awful... he loved me so much and i was once again clouded with fear of it and i went off with another and then i fucked it up even more when i was with aj... which is another who loved me so much that i got clouded again and fucked up.. been wanting to apologize for that but we are even he basically distroied me after... those know of this know what i mean i'm not getting into details of fear of "certins" finding out...
then my whole part of all the things i've done like jobs, personal matters, and family matters, smacked me but that was quickley faded because i fought those things already and still do daily....and there is so many other's that i have hurt but i wish not to go into detail of them.
but most of all i fear i am riuning another's life... my darling DEREK.... i love him i know but it's a different type from theirs. it's something on a total other level... like we are two lost souls on the same path.... he, just like me, has been hurt in ways like this, and the road beneth him began to fall too and he took the other path... his life has mostly been sorrow covered by a false happiness... that he could not help stopping to save himself... that is turly hard to brake.. his walls, like mine, are built so high it's hard to bring them down... this is why i think we have so much trouble sometimes... both of wish the other would talk more to each other but we both just freeze when we have the oppritunity to do so... because what happen before when we did so.... when i first met him he was a little more open to me more trusting... but a bitch named donna came into his life and fucked it all up... he delt with so much shit from her. and i hate her for it and hope she suffers dearly when it comes back to her... but this has now affected everything in a not so good way.. he's closed more not really open like before... and knowing me i like to try and brake things like that... one of the amny things i like to brake i geuss... i've tried so hard to make him talk but he doesn't always saying i don't talk to him...and i've told him it's hard to voice my thoughts i'm better at writting them then anything else... btu he doesn't understand it i geuss... he's one of those i like to here it to believe it things...and if i try to hard we get mad at each other and bad things happen....but the one thing i noticed that really changed in him was the "anger". he was always an anger person.. but now it's worse. i don't know maybe i'm over analyzing or suttin.
i just want to ruin his life too and fuck mine up even more i want to do the right thing with this one... i geuss i maybe need to find a time to sit and talk with him but it's kind of hard to talk to him when the work scheduales clash alot... i just don't want to be another enemy he makes in his head... another person just lost in his past he never wants to remember.... that would hurt me the most i think... know i was lost in the past of another never to be thought of again....
(hmmm stone sour's "bother" is fitting me good right now
BOTHER
Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds
Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds
(Solo: Corey)
Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries
And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on…
I'll never live down my deceit )
well i don't know what to type any more my head hurts really bad... and i feel like shit...i don't know how to end this blog... but i geuss i'll say
"Sometimes when you win... You lose..." What Dreams May Come