nnnauseaaaaaaa
how long can it last? i'm getting used to the idea that it'll never stop & just wonder how long i can take it if that's what it's gonna look like from now on till the end of my days. it's not life.
so bored, but unable to move. don't wanna read, watch movies, write, cook, clean the house, sing, go out. Even packing christmas presents is a pain. sex makes it better, but u can't do it all day. sleeping makes it go away, but there's a limit on that too. hungry, but the very thought of eating makes it worse.
actually, it's probably getting a bit better now, but i'm on the verge of what? mental breakdown? self destruction?
every time it goes away it comes back worse, not physically, but it's so much harder to take. wonder if it's the same with pain, that every new surge after relief is worse.
i can imagine feeling worse, being worse, so i'm not hopeless yet. i've heard of girls who lost a lot of weight, had to be admitted to the hospital for drips etc. i'm not hopeless. i'm mostly stable, mentally. mostly, i say.
sometimes though i feel that i have every right to be unhappy and what do i care that others had it worse. f^&* them. maybe they were super brave & i should be ashamed. f^&* it.
right now Woo & me r listening to different music. funny :) tomorrow another exam, we might have ultrasound & see Woo. it's incredible to see it with it's little fingers & big brain like a walnut.
eh.
so bored, but unable to move. don't wanna read, watch movies, write, cook, clean the house, sing, go out. Even packing christmas presents is a pain. sex makes it better, but u can't do it all day. sleeping makes it go away, but there's a limit on that too. hungry, but the very thought of eating makes it worse.
actually, it's probably getting a bit better now, but i'm on the verge of what? mental breakdown? self destruction?
every time it goes away it comes back worse, not physically, but it's so much harder to take. wonder if it's the same with pain, that every new surge after relief is worse.
i can imagine feeling worse, being worse, so i'm not hopeless yet. i've heard of girls who lost a lot of weight, had to be admitted to the hospital for drips etc. i'm not hopeless. i'm mostly stable, mentally. mostly, i say.
sometimes though i feel that i have every right to be unhappy and what do i care that others had it worse. f^&* them. maybe they were super brave & i should be ashamed. f^&* it.
right now Woo & me r listening to different music. funny :) tomorrow another exam, we might have ultrasound & see Woo. it's incredible to see it with it's little fingers & big brain like a walnut.
eh.