today...
Today is an interesting day for me...
first of all, why a bird decided to sing RIGHT outside our open window at 5:00am on a rainy morning, like it was a warm Spring morning around 7:00, I have no idea. But, needless to say I am not a fan of that bird right now.
The reason why this is an interesting day for me is because it is both my Niece's birthday and one of my sister's. When I think about being an uncle to Anna it makes me happier than I could have ever imagined. I am an uncle because of Marty and his family. Not only am I lucky enough to have found him in this crazy fucked up world with my crazy fucked up past, but he is close enough to people that they consider him their brother and me as his husband (even though we are still technically only engaged... hopefully ceromony within 2 years). I have a beautiful little girl that is 3 today that calls me Uncle Nate... I don't know how I got that lucky...
And then, I remember it is also my sister's birthday too. I don't really talk too much about my blood family because it really is getting to the point that I don't consider them family any more... Did they disown me because I am gay? No... are they completely unaccepting of Marty? No, they actually seem to like him quite a bit. But they have all made it perfectly clear that they think I will burn in hell for eternity (literally) because of my "life choices". They pray multiple times daily that I will see the error of my ways and become straight. They won't support our marriage once it actually happens (thus the only POSSIBLE invite any of them will get is my mom, and that's because Marty wants her there...), and don't consider Anna to be my niece. I should acknowledge that when it comes to families, as a gay man, a lot of people would say that I could have gotten it a lot worse. But right now I don't feel that way. At least if they disowned me I would know where I stand, they wouldn't continually try and force themselves into my life... I was miserable when I was with them, and talking to them/about them depresses me. You know that Jimmy Wayne song (country artist), "Stay Gone"? yeah, I know it's about a relationship relationship, not a family one, but it really describes how I feel about my family.
So, on one hand, I have today reminding me how lucky I am to be where I am in life right now. I have found the man of my dreams, somehow, and we have started the rest of our lives together. But there is a part of me that just can't forget my blood family, and that hurts...
Hopefully one day all the little reminders of them will be gone. At some point today will only be Anna's birthday (and 4/20 will just be a day that makes me laugh and remember a part of my past, 5/7 will just be the day after my birthday, and 8/28 will just be Jimmy's bday). Holidays are already getting to that point, where I am so caught up with our family and the various days celebrations that until they call me, I typically don't even give them a first thought, let alone a second one.
Today I am going to walk to work, listen to some of my favorite songs and enjoy the rainy "morning", work a regular shift (no OT for me today), look forward to what is looking to be a fun, relaxing weekend, and be thankful that tomorrow is Friday. Be thankful for where I am, and that even though I (mostly) had a good childhood, that I was able to leave it behind me.
first of all, why a bird decided to sing RIGHT outside our open window at 5:00am on a rainy morning, like it was a warm Spring morning around 7:00, I have no idea. But, needless to say I am not a fan of that bird right now.
The reason why this is an interesting day for me is because it is both my Niece's birthday and one of my sister's. When I think about being an uncle to Anna it makes me happier than I could have ever imagined. I am an uncle because of Marty and his family. Not only am I lucky enough to have found him in this crazy fucked up world with my crazy fucked up past, but he is close enough to people that they consider him their brother and me as his husband (even though we are still technically only engaged... hopefully ceromony within 2 years). I have a beautiful little girl that is 3 today that calls me Uncle Nate... I don't know how I got that lucky...
And then, I remember it is also my sister's birthday too. I don't really talk too much about my blood family because it really is getting to the point that I don't consider them family any more... Did they disown me because I am gay? No... are they completely unaccepting of Marty? No, they actually seem to like him quite a bit. But they have all made it perfectly clear that they think I will burn in hell for eternity (literally) because of my "life choices". They pray multiple times daily that I will see the error of my ways and become straight. They won't support our marriage once it actually happens (thus the only POSSIBLE invite any of them will get is my mom, and that's because Marty wants her there...), and don't consider Anna to be my niece. I should acknowledge that when it comes to families, as a gay man, a lot of people would say that I could have gotten it a lot worse. But right now I don't feel that way. At least if they disowned me I would know where I stand, they wouldn't continually try and force themselves into my life... I was miserable when I was with them, and talking to them/about them depresses me. You know that Jimmy Wayne song (country artist), "Stay Gone"? yeah, I know it's about a relationship relationship, not a family one, but it really describes how I feel about my family.
So, on one hand, I have today reminding me how lucky I am to be where I am in life right now. I have found the man of my dreams, somehow, and we have started the rest of our lives together. But there is a part of me that just can't forget my blood family, and that hurts...
Hopefully one day all the little reminders of them will be gone. At some point today will only be Anna's birthday (and 4/20 will just be a day that makes me laugh and remember a part of my past, 5/7 will just be the day after my birthday, and 8/28 will just be Jimmy's bday). Holidays are already getting to that point, where I am so caught up with our family and the various days celebrations that until they call me, I typically don't even give them a first thought, let alone a second one.
Today I am going to walk to work, listen to some of my favorite songs and enjoy the rainy "morning", work a regular shift (no OT for me today), look forward to what is looking to be a fun, relaxing weekend, and be thankful that tomorrow is Friday. Be thankful for where I am, and that even though I (mostly) had a good childhood, that I was able to leave it behind me.