pain

[minasdarkness]

No matter what happens, I always seem to fuck things up. I lost a very dear friend today. I got an e-mail with his good-bye. A fucking e-mail! No call or written letter, guess that I'm not worth more. To top it off, in my poor, emotional reaction to this, I hurt my husband. Who as it is now won't say exactly what is wrong only that he didn't think there was that much of an emotional tie left, on my end. It just doesn't matter, I fuck things up, always have, always will. I can only associate my currant pain (which by the way never ends and I now fear perement damange was done) is only a small portion of the pain that I deserve. If my back never gets better, I will accecpt this as propper penence. There is nothing more that I can say. I will just hurt those that I love more and in the end just recieve an e-mail saying their good-byes. Maybe that is all that I did deserve. I don't know any more. I only know that I hurt, in more ways than one. My hands won't stop shaking and I fear that the pain will never end. But than I don't deserve less. I am sorry, for what I have done and the pain I have caused my husband. I fear that a lot of the progress we had made was just undone. With luck the pills will numb things a bit.
Funny, I just said yesterday that I don't think I could take much more. I could loose the house, my insurnce for the car is dropping me in June, Doug can't open a bank account because our credit is bad, the power and phone and everything is bound to be shut off, my back is most likly peremtly damanged and the pain just won't stop and to fucking top it off I get a goddamn dear john e-mail from someone I cared for, and when I reacted badly to it, I hurt my husband!
Well if the godds wanted to break me, I think they just did.