Still Broken Today.
I know it's been a while since I've written anything in my lj I've been so busy that I haven't had time to write much of anything let alone my thoughts. But I think that's exactly why I want to write in it now. I hate that my first post in so long will be such a depressing and emotionally unstable entry but at the same time that's exactly how I feel right now.
In my post before I mentioned I had a mental and emotional break down. Both are true. I'm still feeling the effects from yesterday. I haven't broken down like that in a long time. I don't cry often it's just not my nature so to cry like that I know something was wrong. I doubt anyone will see this but I didn't really tell anyone about yesterday. Only my dad, Rena-chan, and Jack.
It's not that I didn't try though. On the way home yesterday I didn't say anything. My mom and Larry didn't notice at all. They didn't notice how I was basically shut down and running on autopilot. I still am to a degree. Though before I had my breakdown I called my mom to try to explain how I was feeling. She told me to stop swearing and that she didn't approve of my language. I hung up not wanting to deal with her. I asked Larry to pick me up at 6 because at that point after all the stress and pain I couldn't take it and just wanted to be home and sleep and then try working at this thing called life again. Larry said "You have a class at 6. What's your intent?" I turned off my phone and just started sobbing at that point that's when I couldn't breathe and felt like my head was being crushed under all the pressure. I didn't stop for a good fifteen minutes and by that time I was a mess. The only reason I stopped was because my class would be starting soon and the last thing I wanted was my classmates to see me break down. So I held it together even talked to my friend and did small jokes.
Later when I turned my phone on my mom asked if I was okay. I said no. She responded later asking if she was picking me up at 10. Didn't even bother asking me what was wrong or how I was feeling, nothing. I responded to all her questions with one word answers. Then didn't talk in the car. My mom and Larry went to bed and only Jack bothered to find out how my day was which I told her I had a emotional breakdown.
So today starts. I have a huge test coming up and two assignments due today. I decide to skip my first class so I can continue to work on my assignments and make sure I do better on this important test. Larry who's giving me a ride asked what time. I told him after 1 and that I wasn't going to my first class. He said "Well that's stupid." I felt like screaming and slashing at my eyes. I mean it's like he has NO idea how I feel. I lashed out on my mom and facebook. Which to anyone who knows me means I'm upset and hiding it with anger. Then he's driving me to class and I say "Life is stupid" in response to his mentioning how dumb a driver is. He said no only parts and I disagreed saying it all is. Larry starts fucking laughing and asks if I'm depressed. I say "Yes I am." Larry fucking laughs again and asks if I can even get depressed. News flash Larry I'm human! I feel pain and stress and depression too!
So Larry's obvious and a jerk while my mom has decided to ignore the problem is the best way to solve it. Surprisingly the only family member who actually seemed to care was my dad. Normally I call him and I get more upset. But today I told him I had a breakdown and how I was feeling. He said "I'm sorry sweetheart. I know you get stressed about these things and you put a lot of pressure on yourself because you want to do well, which is a great personality trait of yours. (the wanting to do well. and I do don't I?) I know you're doing your best. Let me say that it will all work out. Everything will work out in the end."
With that little conversation I realized how much I've been needing someone to say that to me. Like I need air, I needed someone to tell me that it would all work out in the end and that I would be okay. I don't understand why it's so hard for my mom and Larry to realize how hard I'm trying and how hard I'm struggling under all this pressure. A friend of mine I haven't seen in a year said "Yeah your facebook posts seem like you're really stressed. Let me know if I can help." So why don't my own goddamn parents notice?
My dad mentioned that no one can really understand what anyone else is going through which is true. But isn't that why we as humans have empathy? And my mother who claims to have such high levels of empathy don't notice the suffering in front of her. Its just so distressing.
Is this me officially calling for help? No I realized a long time ago (probably earlier then I ever should have) that I can't rely on anyone. That the ONLY person who won't let me down is me. That my family and friends really can't be trusted when it counts. So no I'm not asking for help. I'm writing this down to try and expel it from my body. Like pulling out my guts one painful moment at a time. I'll end this here because honestly I only took a break to write this before having to go back to work. It's like things never stop and I never get a moment to rest. On a random side note I had a mini seizure last night. My eyes went nuts and started like flashing. That was weird. Like little lighting strikes behind my eyes.
In my post before I mentioned I had a mental and emotional break down. Both are true. I'm still feeling the effects from yesterday. I haven't broken down like that in a long time. I don't cry often it's just not my nature so to cry like that I know something was wrong. I doubt anyone will see this but I didn't really tell anyone about yesterday. Only my dad, Rena-chan, and Jack.
It's not that I didn't try though. On the way home yesterday I didn't say anything. My mom and Larry didn't notice at all. They didn't notice how I was basically shut down and running on autopilot. I still am to a degree. Though before I had my breakdown I called my mom to try to explain how I was feeling. She told me to stop swearing and that she didn't approve of my language. I hung up not wanting to deal with her. I asked Larry to pick me up at 6 because at that point after all the stress and pain I couldn't take it and just wanted to be home and sleep and then try working at this thing called life again. Larry said "You have a class at 6. What's your intent?" I turned off my phone and just started sobbing at that point that's when I couldn't breathe and felt like my head was being crushed under all the pressure. I didn't stop for a good fifteen minutes and by that time I was a mess. The only reason I stopped was because my class would be starting soon and the last thing I wanted was my classmates to see me break down. So I held it together even talked to my friend and did small jokes.
Later when I turned my phone on my mom asked if I was okay. I said no. She responded later asking if she was picking me up at 10. Didn't even bother asking me what was wrong or how I was feeling, nothing. I responded to all her questions with one word answers. Then didn't talk in the car. My mom and Larry went to bed and only Jack bothered to find out how my day was which I told her I had a emotional breakdown.
So today starts. I have a huge test coming up and two assignments due today. I decide to skip my first class so I can continue to work on my assignments and make sure I do better on this important test. Larry who's giving me a ride asked what time. I told him after 1 and that I wasn't going to my first class. He said "Well that's stupid." I felt like screaming and slashing at my eyes. I mean it's like he has NO idea how I feel. I lashed out on my mom and facebook. Which to anyone who knows me means I'm upset and hiding it with anger. Then he's driving me to class and I say "Life is stupid" in response to his mentioning how dumb a driver is. He said no only parts and I disagreed saying it all is. Larry starts fucking laughing and asks if I'm depressed. I say "Yes I am." Larry fucking laughs again and asks if I can even get depressed. News flash Larry I'm human! I feel pain and stress and depression too!
So Larry's obvious and a jerk while my mom has decided to ignore the problem is the best way to solve it. Surprisingly the only family member who actually seemed to care was my dad. Normally I call him and I get more upset. But today I told him I had a breakdown and how I was feeling. He said "I'm sorry sweetheart. I know you get stressed about these things and you put a lot of pressure on yourself because you want to do well, which is a great personality trait of yours. (the wanting to do well. and I do don't I?) I know you're doing your best. Let me say that it will all work out. Everything will work out in the end."
With that little conversation I realized how much I've been needing someone to say that to me. Like I need air, I needed someone to tell me that it would all work out in the end and that I would be okay. I don't understand why it's so hard for my mom and Larry to realize how hard I'm trying and how hard I'm struggling under all this pressure. A friend of mine I haven't seen in a year said "Yeah your facebook posts seem like you're really stressed. Let me know if I can help." So why don't my own goddamn parents notice?
My dad mentioned that no one can really understand what anyone else is going through which is true. But isn't that why we as humans have empathy? And my mother who claims to have such high levels of empathy don't notice the suffering in front of her. Its just so distressing.
Is this me officially calling for help? No I realized a long time ago (probably earlier then I ever should have) that I can't rely on anyone. That the ONLY person who won't let me down is me. That my family and friends really can't be trusted when it counts. So no I'm not asking for help. I'm writing this down to try and expel it from my body. Like pulling out my guts one painful moment at a time. I'll end this here because honestly I only took a break to write this before having to go back to work. It's like things never stop and I never get a moment to rest. On a random side note I had a mini seizure last night. My eyes went nuts and started like flashing. That was weird. Like little lighting strikes behind my eyes.