Tough times
Life goes up and down. I know this. I understand this. Yet, sometimes, it is hard to find your way up when you are down. 2005 was a fabulous year for me, for my family, and for my friends. Life was good. 2006 still had some good times, but there were not as many and they were as great as 2005. I explained 2006 as the hangover. Then, this year happened.
Nothing seems to be going quite right. I'm sure that this is just a feeling I have, which is not necessarily based on reality. It is how I feel, though. First, my family has had to fight to get my grandma into Assisted Living. Finally, everyone involved agrees but not without cost. My grandma, who is about to turn 94, has a form of dementia. Great. It isn't easy to watch her decline, physically, emotionally, mentally. While I can't bear the thought of her not being here, I can't bear the thought that we have to watch her lose herself, her dignity, her joy. Second, my cat has had his own health crisis. Yes, he seems to be "regulated". I still have doubts and worries that never go away. He is now a much bigger responsibility. Third, my dad had another cancer scare. Luckily, the test proved that he is relatively fine but still needs a procedure. I guess this has all led to my sudden and overwhelming realization about mortality. Someday, everyone I love will die. This is the truth. I can no longer ignore this fact. I am being forced to face it.
This past week really made me face this. Last Monday, my colleague and a former assistant of mine, was struck and killed by a car in front of our school. It was completely terrifying to me to arrive to work with sirens and ambulances. I'm always aware that something horribly tragic can happy at my place of employment. I have been preparing for it since I started teaching and working with at-risk students. Thus, I have held up well on the outside and am doing the best I can on the inside. Nonetheless, I have been shaken. My security is gone. My security in all facets of my life is gone. I desperately want to turn back time when things seemed easier, more fun. I desperately want to turn back to 2005 when the only thing I worried about was how I was going to pay for all of my Duran Duran shows.
Nothing seems to be going quite right. I'm sure that this is just a feeling I have, which is not necessarily based on reality. It is how I feel, though. First, my family has had to fight to get my grandma into Assisted Living. Finally, everyone involved agrees but not without cost. My grandma, who is about to turn 94, has a form of dementia. Great. It isn't easy to watch her decline, physically, emotionally, mentally. While I can't bear the thought of her not being here, I can't bear the thought that we have to watch her lose herself, her dignity, her joy. Second, my cat has had his own health crisis. Yes, he seems to be "regulated". I still have doubts and worries that never go away. He is now a much bigger responsibility. Third, my dad had another cancer scare. Luckily, the test proved that he is relatively fine but still needs a procedure. I guess this has all led to my sudden and overwhelming realization about mortality. Someday, everyone I love will die. This is the truth. I can no longer ignore this fact. I am being forced to face it.
This past week really made me face this. Last Monday, my colleague and a former assistant of mine, was struck and killed by a car in front of our school. It was completely terrifying to me to arrive to work with sirens and ambulances. I'm always aware that something horribly tragic can happy at my place of employment. I have been preparing for it since I started teaching and working with at-risk students. Thus, I have held up well on the outside and am doing the best I can on the inside. Nonetheless, I have been shaken. My security is gone. My security in all facets of my life is gone. I desperately want to turn back time when things seemed easier, more fun. I desperately want to turn back to 2005 when the only thing I worried about was how I was going to pay for all of my Duran Duran shows.