so weird, could it be, happiness HAHA
Okay for the first time in 2 months I feel a bit more like me. All this drama has really been cutting into my personality. Drama is like a suction cup to a person's soul I swear. So, so far today I've had an amazing day. Speaking of drama my sister's birthday was two days ago and my gram bought cupcakes for us to celebrate it (haha really she just bought them cause they were from Sam's Club and she loves their cakes) and she told Stephanie and Stephanie got so pissy and mad apparently. Somehow knowing my sister was so mad over something so silly really made my day yesterday. Plus my mom bought me a little bottle of coke when she went to the store and I love whenever someone does little stuff like that for me, makes me feel so blessed and cherished. I'm actually back from work and just sort of chilling and uploading my iPod and thought I'd upload with something boring; grateful I have something boring to write. My sister broke her phone and lost all her contacts so somehow knowing she can not contact me makes me feel great too. Plus I really had a great day with Elizabeth working today. I really like this kid she's seriously smart for not being two years old yet. She knows all her colors, can count to 5 (and not just go 1,2, etc outload but can point to things and go one, two, etc) plus she's pretty much potty trained which is great. And just like me she loves dragging her teddy bear all over the place with her (although in her case it's socially more acceptable lol). She's really cute and I just really enjoyed my day with her today. I think I'm going to cut my paternal side out of my life for a while. I've decided Andy obviously isn't going anywhere and I can not handle the way they handled him or the entire ordeal. I really thought I might be interested in getting to know him the person but I don't know if I want to at this time. truthfully maybe I never did and wasn't ready. I think when you ditch your children you create a rift and what could of been always sort of plays a role into what is or will be. I wanted to get to possibly know him as a person but they want me to know him as my father and truthfully I'm not willing to play nice and do that. I already had a father (I wont sit here and say he was the world's best father but regardless I had a father and he loved me) I refuse to acknowledge someone who didn't want to ever be one as one now that I'm done growing. So my daddy did all the right things and Andy gets to get the aftermath, no I don't think so. My father and mother raised me to always do what's right, know when I'm wrong and accept it and to be strong (lol and to know how to heat a hot water tank and turn off a running toilet). Caving into something I don't agree with or ignoring it or being invisible is just wrong and goes against what they taught me. A parent is the person that loves you unconditionally and raises you. Andy didn't do that and to act as if he's a father to me is a disgrace to my Daddy, who did. And I'm learning something about myself too. I've learned I get irritated easily and I cover it up. When it comes to situations I just assume everyone's else opinions are more important or valid than my own and you know what sometimes that's just not true. I learn I push how I feel down and allow everyone else to simply feel but I've done it for so long that my family just takes advantage of it and I can't stand by and take it anymore.
Maybe the person I thought I was isn't the same as I was Sept.26 2009. I feel so much the same but yet so different and that's not a bad thing but my family is still acting like they always have but I can't do that anymore. They handled it badly and they weren't sorry and they acted like nothing was wrong and I'm not okay with that and that's okay. Until then I just have to back off otherwise it'll eat me alive and I wont be happy. I worked a long time ago to love who I was, to like me and I can't lose that, I don't want to end up sad but if that's what will be, then it'll be. Can't say I'm not saddened by it but they refuse to face what this is and what it feels like and I refuse to acknowledge him the way they implied I should. I'm sorry but a $200 plane ticket isn't going to buy away all those missed years and it's not going to magically make him something he never was. Maybe selling out is okay for Steph but I was never that deeply moved by money. I'm a bit mad because for so long I was here and I never left, I never hurt anybody, and just as quickly they turned their backs to me even though I'm the one who did the right thing by finding him; they didn't. I wont lie if I could go back and do it over again, I absolutely would. And truthfully even if I still decided to look for him I wouldn't tell them until I was ready to make up my mind. Maybe it's mean but I would consider how the outcome/situation could fully affect me instead of feeling for all of them and putting my feelings on autopilot. I still know I did the right thing for my mam and I'm glad I did it if she's truly happy from that aspect but I'm not happy for me but I know I'm going to be okay evntually.
That being said I think I'm going to start letting more people in. Everyone always says I'm friendly but I hold back (I don't think they mean conversationally but emotionally and from them) so I'm going to work on that. I'm also going to work on being a better friend because over the years I've seriously gotten sloppy.
I hope everyone else has a great day!!!!!
Maybe the person I thought I was isn't the same as I was Sept.26 2009. I feel so much the same but yet so different and that's not a bad thing but my family is still acting like they always have but I can't do that anymore. They handled it badly and they weren't sorry and they acted like nothing was wrong and I'm not okay with that and that's okay. Until then I just have to back off otherwise it'll eat me alive and I wont be happy. I worked a long time ago to love who I was, to like me and I can't lose that, I don't want to end up sad but if that's what will be, then it'll be. Can't say I'm not saddened by it but they refuse to face what this is and what it feels like and I refuse to acknowledge him the way they implied I should. I'm sorry but a $200 plane ticket isn't going to buy away all those missed years and it's not going to magically make him something he never was. Maybe selling out is okay for Steph but I was never that deeply moved by money. I'm a bit mad because for so long I was here and I never left, I never hurt anybody, and just as quickly they turned their backs to me even though I'm the one who did the right thing by finding him; they didn't. I wont lie if I could go back and do it over again, I absolutely would. And truthfully even if I still decided to look for him I wouldn't tell them until I was ready to make up my mind. Maybe it's mean but I would consider how the outcome/situation could fully affect me instead of feeling for all of them and putting my feelings on autopilot. I still know I did the right thing for my mam and I'm glad I did it if she's truly happy from that aspect but I'm not happy for me but I know I'm going to be okay evntually.
That being said I think I'm going to start letting more people in. Everyone always says I'm friendly but I hold back (I don't think they mean conversationally but emotionally and from them) so I'm going to work on that. I'm also going to work on being a better friend because over the years I've seriously gotten sloppy.
I hope everyone else has a great day!!!!!