Bad Therapy Appointment
I’m having a hard time again. Therapy did not go very well yesterday. I had told my psychiatrist that I wanted to get more help this summer and maybe do a day or evening program, and she seemed to think it was OK. I don’t think my therapist agrees. She asked me what I wanted to work on this summer, and I told her that I wanted to work on three things: eating more, dealing with intense episodes of depression in ways besides cutting, and sleeping less. Regarding the first one, I said that I’ve found meal support helpful in programs; it takes the decision making process away from me, and I no longer have to agonize about what to eat or how to get away with eating as little as possible because what I’m eating has been chosen for me and if I don’t eat there will be definite consequences. I explained that doing it as an outpatient at home with a nutritionist’s meal plan has never worked because I can get away with too much and don’t have the structure. Well, her suggestion was basically that I do just that: see a nutritionist and do it at home with some “extra support” (I don’t know what that even means), despite the fact that I told her that that has never, ever worked in the seven years of my eating disorder.
I tried to advocate for myself by saying that I wanted a day or evening program, but it was hard because she kept saying things like “I don’t know if you’ll even qualify because your weight is stable” and that “an inpatient programs would just be overkill” (even though I said I didn’t need an inpatient program). That second thing was so hard to hear. I know my weight is just way, way too high for an inpatient program and that doing one would just trigger the hell out of me, but I still didn’t need to hear that it was “overkill.” As for my weight being stable, well, don’t ED programs take other things into account? I mean, what about the fact that I only eat 500 calories a day and that I’m super depressed and sometimes cut and have horrible thoughts and feelings and a distorted body image? I mean, I’ve been in residential with people with stable and normal weights (and, no, they were not bulimic-they restricted), so why wouldn’t a day or evening program take me? Maybe she’s right, though.
I know what she’s getting at. She said she wants me to do it at home because I’ll have to do it on my own eventually, but why can’t I have some extra help in the meantime? I mean, can’t there be a step between eating so little and eating perfectly normally on my own? I don’t know. It just seems like a lot to ask of me.
I love my therapist and she’s always been very helpful and good to me, but, to be honest, yesterday’s appointment was very upsetting. It just hits the same point home again: in order to get help you have to be emaciated. End of story. It doesn’t matter whether you cut or don’t eat or how severely depressed you are, you won’t get help unless you’re emaciated. It doesn’t even matter if you ask for help; you still won’t get it unless you’re emaciated. I’m asking for help and she’s not offering it to me, and the only reason I can think of is because my weight’s not low. I keep thinking back to December and January, when I was extremely depressed and cutting a lot and kept crying in my appointments, “Why won’t anyone help me?” and I still didn’t get any extra help. What will it take? It just proves to me that I will never, ever be sick enough unless my weight plummets to some ridiculously low point. It’s obvious to me that nothing else matters. Maybe I just don’t deserve help.
I’ve been in a horrible mood and have felt like crying since my appointment yesterday. My therapist knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t tell her what was bothering me. I think maybe I should send an email telling her what I’m feeling, but I’m kind of afraid to.
Also, my mother seems mad at me, and that’s always upsetting. I even had a dream this morning that she completely disowned me and that she decided that she wanted nothing to do with me and cut off all contact with me (and to punish myself I became a snake catcher because I hate snakes…LOL, oh, dreams!), and its’ really left me reeling. I just fear that she must hate me. Why wouldn’t she? There’s nothing about me to like.
I just hate myself so much, but at the same time I kind of have these strange feelings of sorrow for myself. Like, I think about myself and I feel sorry for myself, feel sorry that I hate myself so much that I want to kill myself. Am I really that bad of a person? Would I hate myself if I were someone else who knew myself? I don’t know.
I have to keep focusing on the positive and thinking about graduation and Sarah Lawrence. It’s hard, though, when I feel so terribly depressed. I don’t want to go back to school today, although I don’t have too much work to do this week, so that’s good. The next two-and-a-half weeks are going to very busy, though, but at least I’ll finally be done after that.
I’m also feeling really guilty right now. I feel like I’m hiding this horrible secret from my parents (the cutting). I went shopping yesterday for dresses for graduation and my mother wanted to stay with me in the changing room, and I had to have a small fit to keep her from doing so. I just couldn’t let her see the cuts and scars on my legs. She’s be horrified, and there’s no way she’d let me go to graduate school. We’re meeting with the family therapist on Friday to talk about graduate school. I hope it goes well, although I always feel like in family therapy we sort of gloss over the serious issues and what’s really going on. Family therapy is supposed to be very upsetting, and we spend it laughing and joking around, which tells me that we’re not getting at the heart of the matter.
At least shopping went well yesterday. The dresses I tried on fit, and they were a junior’s small and a junior’s size three. I guess I can’t be that fat if a junior’s size three fits me, but I don’t know. It’s hard not to see myself as fat, especially considering what I weigh. I also realized that I’m way too old to be shopping in junior’s; the other girls trying on dresses looked like they were in junior high school. The prices are just so much more reasonable there, though.
I suppose I should do some stuff for school and then start packing. Hopefully I’ll be able to get through tonight without cutting and will feel better tomorrow morning.