Golden Files
So much...
A lot has been going on lately, and going through my head, and for the first time in what feels like forever I am taking time out of my and trying reflection. We'll see how much this helps, because I feel like I have a lot to get out.
First, the recap of all the stuff that's been going on. Club is different and I'm still not thrilled about the new location, but it is getting more and more familiar, the more that we go. But I don't think it'll ever be as cool as the old one. We'll see, I guess. Megan had a party the other night, and I had a blast. I drank so much alcohol, and for once I wasn't one throwing up, although it was unfortunate to see two of my friends breakdown and my girlfriend leave to sleep in a car because she was sick and tired. Elsewise, it was great seeing everyone. I beat Phantom Hourglass and was overall impressed by it. Sometimes it was very (painfully) obviously directed to people half my age, but most of the game mechanics and puzzles were very fun. I also finished reading Stardust, and loved it. I fucking loved it; it's an amazing little fantasy story, and very deep for how short of a read it is. The movie was a massacre, I have to say...poor Neil Gaiman. I also finally downloaded Radiohead's new CD, In Rainbows. It. Is. Amazing. If it's not as genre-redefining as OK Computer or Kid A, it's prettier. It's even MORE melodic than prior efforts, with lots of jazzy vocals, crazy chord progressions, and a few cool beats in off-hand time signatures. At the very least, it's better than Hail to the Thief in my opinion. I also bought Pokemon Pearl and FFIII for the DS, and am thoroughly pleased with both so far. I'm sure there's been more frivolous stuff, but there's more important things bothering me that I need to move onto.
First off, I still don't know what to feel. About a lot of things. I don't know how I feel about where I'm going or how I'm getting there. I don't know how I feel about my circle of friends, constant new faces, old faces gone, and some other old ones becoming more and more familiar. Simply, I don't know how I feel about Josh and Naomi. I feel like I'm right in what I've done (and why shouldn't I) but I also feel like they're right in what they've done. And those two philosophies don't mix well in one brain (aka: cognitive dissonance). Part of me wants to tell Josh that he's right and I'm sorry, but the other half wants to scream at him to grow up and learn to deal with reality. I owe him stuff, at the very least; a PS2, some games, or some monies, and have every intention of giving it to him, but on the same token, I'm not going to play stupid phones games, or try to track him down to give it to him. SCA is an easy enough solution, but I'm taking a break from it, and as said before, I don't feel I need to chase him around to give it to him. I have to say, I do miss him, but that the part of him that is so quick to judge and cast aside years of friendship without even knowing why.
I also don't know WHY I'm feeling a lot of things that I feel now. Why a lot of old habits and feelings are stirring after staying dormant for so long. I had thought them long gone, but it appears as if it was just hibernation, and now they feel they need to resurface. Feelings good and bad...Good feelings, like...feeling home, actually HOME. Feelings like the urge and want to pray. And being comfortable with myself again. But bad feelings like guilt, and a small - but near-constant - feeling of unease. Like I'm stressed, or should be and I'm not. I keep feeling like something bad is going to happen any second, and it's kind of paranoia, but it's less, and more at the same time. Almost as if something bad is GOING to happen, but I've already experienced it, and am already feeling the unease of it dissolution. Whatever. I don't know how to explain it.
Right now this feeling of unease makes things seem bad, at least when I try to describe it. But things aren't bad. Most of the time I'm pretty happy, and keep finding joy in the simplest of things. And while things for me keep getting more confusing personally, I feel like things on a universal level are becoming more and more clear. Not that I've unlocked the secrets of the Universe, or the meaning of life or anything. But the bigger picture is definitely something I think about frequently, as in, many times a day, every day, for hours on end. And it's nice to feel relieved because you've figured out something...until a new problematic thought comes along and puts everything else into question. But at the moment, I'm in one of those relief periods, and things are beautiful. Everything is a source of inspiration, it seems. Everything I see or experience seems to have a secret message it wants to tell me. But it's like a riddle, or a code rather. And the only way to break the code is to write a song about it (not lyrically), and figuring out the different chords that make the song, is figuring breaking it. And the resulting song is the deeper message that I was supposed to figure out. I know that sounds bogus, but I swear it's what is going on. Music is the way I define things, and even though I experience everything one way, it's like there's a whole new way to look at it if I solve the riddle through music. Whatever. It makes sense to me, and that's all that matters. Although I can't help but wonder if any other musicians, or any artists, feel this way about life, or if it's just me.
Anywho, my head is a lot clearer, and shoulders a lot lighter. So this journal is officially at an end.
A lot has been going on lately, and going through my head, and for the first time in what feels like forever I am taking time out of my and trying reflection. We'll see how much this helps, because I feel like I have a lot to get out.
First, the recap of all the stuff that's been going on. Club is different and I'm still not thrilled about the new location, but it is getting more and more familiar, the more that we go. But I don't think it'll ever be as cool as the old one. We'll see, I guess. Megan had a party the other night, and I had a blast. I drank so much alcohol, and for once I wasn't one throwing up, although it was unfortunate to see two of my friends breakdown and my girlfriend leave to sleep in a car because she was sick and tired. Elsewise, it was great seeing everyone. I beat Phantom Hourglass and was overall impressed by it. Sometimes it was very (painfully) obviously directed to people half my age, but most of the game mechanics and puzzles were very fun. I also finished reading Stardust, and loved it. I fucking loved it; it's an amazing little fantasy story, and very deep for how short of a read it is. The movie was a massacre, I have to say...poor Neil Gaiman. I also finally downloaded Radiohead's new CD, In Rainbows. It. Is. Amazing. If it's not as genre-redefining as OK Computer or Kid A, it's prettier. It's even MORE melodic than prior efforts, with lots of jazzy vocals, crazy chord progressions, and a few cool beats in off-hand time signatures. At the very least, it's better than Hail to the Thief in my opinion. I also bought Pokemon Pearl and FFIII for the DS, and am thoroughly pleased with both so far. I'm sure there's been more frivolous stuff, but there's more important things bothering me that I need to move onto.
First off, I still don't know what to feel. About a lot of things. I don't know how I feel about where I'm going or how I'm getting there. I don't know how I feel about my circle of friends, constant new faces, old faces gone, and some other old ones becoming more and more familiar. Simply, I don't know how I feel about Josh and Naomi. I feel like I'm right in what I've done (and why shouldn't I) but I also feel like they're right in what they've done. And those two philosophies don't mix well in one brain (aka: cognitive dissonance). Part of me wants to tell Josh that he's right and I'm sorry, but the other half wants to scream at him to grow up and learn to deal with reality. I owe him stuff, at the very least; a PS2, some games, or some monies, and have every intention of giving it to him, but on the same token, I'm not going to play stupid phones games, or try to track him down to give it to him. SCA is an easy enough solution, but I'm taking a break from it, and as said before, I don't feel I need to chase him around to give it to him. I have to say, I do miss him, but that the part of him that is so quick to judge and cast aside years of friendship without even knowing why.
I also don't know WHY I'm feeling a lot of things that I feel now. Why a lot of old habits and feelings are stirring after staying dormant for so long. I had thought them long gone, but it appears as if it was just hibernation, and now they feel they need to resurface. Feelings good and bad...Good feelings, like...feeling home, actually HOME. Feelings like the urge and want to pray. And being comfortable with myself again. But bad feelings like guilt, and a small - but near-constant - feeling of unease. Like I'm stressed, or should be and I'm not. I keep feeling like something bad is going to happen any second, and it's kind of paranoia, but it's less, and more at the same time. Almost as if something bad is GOING to happen, but I've already experienced it, and am already feeling the unease of it dissolution. Whatever. I don't know how to explain it.
Right now this feeling of unease makes things seem bad, at least when I try to describe it. But things aren't bad. Most of the time I'm pretty happy, and keep finding joy in the simplest of things. And while things for me keep getting more confusing personally, I feel like things on a universal level are becoming more and more clear. Not that I've unlocked the secrets of the Universe, or the meaning of life or anything. But the bigger picture is definitely something I think about frequently, as in, many times a day, every day, for hours on end. And it's nice to feel relieved because you've figured out something...until a new problematic thought comes along and puts everything else into question. But at the moment, I'm in one of those relief periods, and things are beautiful. Everything is a source of inspiration, it seems. Everything I see or experience seems to have a secret message it wants to tell me. But it's like a riddle, or a code rather. And the only way to break the code is to write a song about it (not lyrically), and figuring out the different chords that make the song, is figuring breaking it. And the resulting song is the deeper message that I was supposed to figure out. I know that sounds bogus, but I swear it's what is going on. Music is the way I define things, and even though I experience everything one way, it's like there's a whole new way to look at it if I solve the riddle through music. Whatever. It makes sense to me, and that's all that matters. Although I can't help but wonder if any other musicians, or any artists, feel this way about life, or if it's just me.
Anywho, my head is a lot clearer, and shoulders a lot lighter. So this journal is officially at an end.