Coming back from being gone for nearly three years...
And boy, has a lot changed!
The first thing I did upon returning to LJ was check my posts on here. The most recent three were all either borderline suicidal or downright depressing. It's not like I don't remember feeling that way, and it's not like I don't occasionally still feel that way, but I feel like, for anyone who might just be wondering how I'm doing, you all deserve an apology, as well as a little bit of insight into just how vastly things have changed.
I moved to Lawrence, Kansas in April of 2013. Got a job unloading trucks for a Wal-Mart there. Met a group of people who changed my life completely. Teddy, a goofy little stoner kid with a love for anime and an understanding of the world that even I didn't have. Alex, the troll with the nerdiest sense of humor, who I bonded with mostly over an affinity for Pokemon. And Shawn, the man with ADHD, a total pervert, and initially, someone I brushed off entirely.
Fast forward three months later. Shawn and I go to parties together. A man drunkenly tries to pressure me into sleeping with him, and another loudly and blatantly informs me that it's a 'man's world' and I should know my place. My mom gets cancer. Shawn is there for me through all of it. He stands up for me, and he lets me talk to him about my concerns for my mother. Even after her two surgeries and the cancer being removed, he stays by my side. July of that year, we start dating. To this day, we're still together.
June 9th, 2014: The most beautiful baby boy in the world is born to myself and Shawn. He always has been and always will be the biggest reason I'm out of the slump I had been in before my move. Who'd have known that so much purpose would come in the form of such a tiny bundle of energy and joy? I've always been confused. I've bounced from major to major, and as a result, ended up drowning in loan debt. I never knew what I really wanted to do with my life. There were plenty of things that seemed exciting, but nothing that just 'clicked' with me as what I wanted to do with my life.
And then my baby is born, and all the reason I need to keep going presents itself in the form of tiny coos, warm smiles, tiny hands reaching out to mommy, and loud giggles. Every day has meaning, and every day, my heart swells with more.
The thing is, I do have depression, and I have so much anxiety anymore that it's almost impossible to contain. But it's all okay when I look into my son's eyes, or at my supportive boyfriend. I'm bitter over friends I've lost over time--over how unimportant I have become to them. But it doesn't matter, because I'd much rather spend my time with my family than dwelling on how I don't have a spot in someone else's life anymore. None of that matters, because I'm not seeking love anymore. I don't need someone to hold my hand and tell me it's all going to be okay--not when I've got two people that give me plenty of reason to be okay.
I have my bad days. Days when I all I can do is cry, or when my anxiety takes away any and all focus I have on daily tasks or sleeping. Depression and anxiety are mental disorders. They attack regularly, and sometimes, it's almost too much to take. My boyfriend has heard me ask what the point in my existence is, and he's never failed to remind me. It has never failed to reassure me.
I'm nothing special. That was my problem back then. I was brainwashed by the senseless notion that I had to leave some huge mark on the world. That I had to be a hero or something that made the world say "God, that Magan sure is awesome!" Reality is, I don't. Life doesn't work that way. The sooner we stop thinking we all have to be more than just the human beings we are, the faster we realize that fame and acceptance doesn't really matter. I am a person. I am a college dropout, and a minimum wage worker. I'm swimming in more debt than I can handle, and I have nothing to show for it.
But that's okay, because I'm a mom, and I'm a girlfriend. I'm a daughter, a cousin, a sister, an aunt. I've got so many reasons not to dwell on what else I have to be. I'm in the here and now, and that's where I always will be. The point of life isn't to become a celebrity. It's to live, and that's it. I'm going to keep living, and I'm going to use my experiences to keep my son moving. He can strive for whatever he wants to be, and I'll be right there to reassure him just like the many times he's done so without even realizing it.
So, long story short, I'm happy. I have depression and anxiety, but I'm happy. I'm not dead, and I don't plan on dying any time soon. But I did dig myself out of that hole. Or rather, I reached up and everyone else pulled me out.
I hope you are all doing well!
The first thing I did upon returning to LJ was check my posts on here. The most recent three were all either borderline suicidal or downright depressing. It's not like I don't remember feeling that way, and it's not like I don't occasionally still feel that way, but I feel like, for anyone who might just be wondering how I'm doing, you all deserve an apology, as well as a little bit of insight into just how vastly things have changed.
I moved to Lawrence, Kansas in April of 2013. Got a job unloading trucks for a Wal-Mart there. Met a group of people who changed my life completely. Teddy, a goofy little stoner kid with a love for anime and an understanding of the world that even I didn't have. Alex, the troll with the nerdiest sense of humor, who I bonded with mostly over an affinity for Pokemon. And Shawn, the man with ADHD, a total pervert, and initially, someone I brushed off entirely.
Fast forward three months later. Shawn and I go to parties together. A man drunkenly tries to pressure me into sleeping with him, and another loudly and blatantly informs me that it's a 'man's world' and I should know my place. My mom gets cancer. Shawn is there for me through all of it. He stands up for me, and he lets me talk to him about my concerns for my mother. Even after her two surgeries and the cancer being removed, he stays by my side. July of that year, we start dating. To this day, we're still together.
June 9th, 2014: The most beautiful baby boy in the world is born to myself and Shawn. He always has been and always will be the biggest reason I'm out of the slump I had been in before my move. Who'd have known that so much purpose would come in the form of such a tiny bundle of energy and joy? I've always been confused. I've bounced from major to major, and as a result, ended up drowning in loan debt. I never knew what I really wanted to do with my life. There were plenty of things that seemed exciting, but nothing that just 'clicked' with me as what I wanted to do with my life.
And then my baby is born, and all the reason I need to keep going presents itself in the form of tiny coos, warm smiles, tiny hands reaching out to mommy, and loud giggles. Every day has meaning, and every day, my heart swells with more.
The thing is, I do have depression, and I have so much anxiety anymore that it's almost impossible to contain. But it's all okay when I look into my son's eyes, or at my supportive boyfriend. I'm bitter over friends I've lost over time--over how unimportant I have become to them. But it doesn't matter, because I'd much rather spend my time with my family than dwelling on how I don't have a spot in someone else's life anymore. None of that matters, because I'm not seeking love anymore. I don't need someone to hold my hand and tell me it's all going to be okay--not when I've got two people that give me plenty of reason to be okay.
I have my bad days. Days when I all I can do is cry, or when my anxiety takes away any and all focus I have on daily tasks or sleeping. Depression and anxiety are mental disorders. They attack regularly, and sometimes, it's almost too much to take. My boyfriend has heard me ask what the point in my existence is, and he's never failed to remind me. It has never failed to reassure me.
I'm nothing special. That was my problem back then. I was brainwashed by the senseless notion that I had to leave some huge mark on the world. That I had to be a hero or something that made the world say "God, that Magan sure is awesome!" Reality is, I don't. Life doesn't work that way. The sooner we stop thinking we all have to be more than just the human beings we are, the faster we realize that fame and acceptance doesn't really matter. I am a person. I am a college dropout, and a minimum wage worker. I'm swimming in more debt than I can handle, and I have nothing to show for it.
But that's okay, because I'm a mom, and I'm a girlfriend. I'm a daughter, a cousin, a sister, an aunt. I've got so many reasons not to dwell on what else I have to be. I'm in the here and now, and that's where I always will be. The point of life isn't to become a celebrity. It's to live, and that's it. I'm going to keep living, and I'm going to use my experiences to keep my son moving. He can strive for whatever he wants to be, and I'll be right there to reassure him just like the many times he's done so without even realizing it.
So, long story short, I'm happy. I have depression and anxiety, but I'm happy. I'm not dead, and I don't plan on dying any time soon. But I did dig myself out of that hole. Or rather, I reached up and everyone else pulled me out.
I hope you are all doing well!