Yeah...
The only thing I ever use this journal for anymore is ranting, isn't it? To those of you who actually still look at this journal, I apologize in advance for coming back with nothing but whining. Life sucks, that's about all there is to it. But there are a lot of things I can't really say elsewhere for fear of pushing someone too far or getting myself committed to a mental hospital or some shit.
I don't expect a response from anyone. This is solely being written to, yet again, get shit off my chest. I'm sorry to any who come across this, but I can't hold it in anymore, and I can't exactly afford therapy.
Long story short, I don't want to be alive. I don't want to die, but existing sucks. At this point, I see absolutely no quality in my life. I've tried time and time again to get on my feet and go far, and it's only led to me being dragged down yet again. Mind you, I'm not saying it isn't my fault. But if it's so easy to fuck myself over, what the hell is the point in even trying to move on?
I don't want to grow old. I don't see any delight in what I've seen out of patients and residents I've taken care of. I don't want dementia, and I don't want cancer. I don't want to forget my family members or friends or, god forbid, children. I don't want pain, I don't want to be put in a nursing home where there's a big chance that the aides working treat you like an object rather than a person. I don't want to get deathly ill, and I don't want to slowly sink into what death feels like.
And so it comes back again. The thoughts. Depression is a fucking bitch. Combined with a disturbing mix of self-pity and self-hatred, it can quickly consume a person. It's easy to look at all the shit that's happened in your life and wonder "why me?" even when it's your own fault. It's so easy to sit there and let your misery suck away any inspiration to do anything with your life, and now that I'm at the bottom, I don't think I can crawl out.
I remember once saying I wasn't suicidal. That the only thing keeping me alive was the fact that any debt I owed would fall onto my parents. But even that doesn't seem reason enough at this point. Yeah, I guess I really am that selfish.
But that's another topic all itself.
There was someone who talked me through my depression the last time I posted about it on here. We started spending a lot of time together on Xbox Live and quickly became inseparable. She was my savior and my soul sister. She made everything okay when my world was crashing down around me. She made me happy, and to this day, I love her to death. I doubt I'll ever move on past her.
But she's already moved on past me. It's hard to tell whether she realizes it or not. It's a rollercoaster with her--going from talking every now and then through texts to that one moment when she gets bored of texting me and spends time with the other girl she's made friends with. I became old news. All that chemistry, bonding, gaming, getting to know each other...all those phone calls, all the visits and even trying to live together. Of fucking course it had to be too good to be true.
I don't have her anymore, and I've come to terms with that fact. I'm done going back and forth. She doesn't mean to do any harm, but I don't think she realizes the damage she does every time.
It's not like I don't have ANYONE else. In my move to Virginia (the Texas one never happened because I can't accomplish jack shit without someone holding my hand, apparently), I started frequenting Tumblr, and I met my best friend on there. She puts up with a lot of bullshit from me. Not only do I bitch about a lot of really stupid shit, but depression has turned me into a bitter and irritable person. I see the entire world in a very dark light, and she's often on the receiving end of a lot of my banter.
I've asked her time and time again, and I still don't get why she puts up with me. At least, then I'd understand if she decided to move on...
This friend has been privy to my borderline suicidal thoughts. And at one point, she said "Remember, you've got me to live for. I don't want you to die."
I don't know how I'm supposed to take that. Yeah, I'm flattered that she considers me important, and I'm not stupid enough to think I don't have family members and other friends who care about me. But am I the only selfish one here? Here's good proof that I'm in the worst mental state I've ever been in: I think that if people truly give a shit about me, they'd let me die provided I was miserable enough to want to do so. It's no different than letting someone who can't function on their own--think, act, enjoy things--come off of life support and have some rest.
I'm so tired, guys. I'm so tired of everything. I'm so tired of work, of student loan debt looming over me. I'm tired of being the person I am. I'm tired of being bitchy, whiny, depressed, and fucking reckless. I'm tired of being me.
I hate myself so much. I'm a terrible person. I'm selfish and stupid and I apparently can't think or act for myself. Twenty three years old, and I'm still stuck living with my mom. I'm attempting for the....Third? time to move out in two weeks, but with student loan debt and rent and bills to cover all at the same time, I'll probably end up right back here with mom again. Or dad. Whoever decides to open their doors.
See? I've got no purpose. I'm dead fucking weight. I'm a disappointment, and I'll never amount to anything. I've tried changing. I've tried breaking out, and all I've done is made things worse.
I just want it to end.
I don't expect a response from anyone. This is solely being written to, yet again, get shit off my chest. I'm sorry to any who come across this, but I can't hold it in anymore, and I can't exactly afford therapy.
Long story short, I don't want to be alive. I don't want to die, but existing sucks. At this point, I see absolutely no quality in my life. I've tried time and time again to get on my feet and go far, and it's only led to me being dragged down yet again. Mind you, I'm not saying it isn't my fault. But if it's so easy to fuck myself over, what the hell is the point in even trying to move on?
I don't want to grow old. I don't see any delight in what I've seen out of patients and residents I've taken care of. I don't want dementia, and I don't want cancer. I don't want to forget my family members or friends or, god forbid, children. I don't want pain, I don't want to be put in a nursing home where there's a big chance that the aides working treat you like an object rather than a person. I don't want to get deathly ill, and I don't want to slowly sink into what death feels like.
And so it comes back again. The thoughts. Depression is a fucking bitch. Combined with a disturbing mix of self-pity and self-hatred, it can quickly consume a person. It's easy to look at all the shit that's happened in your life and wonder "why me?" even when it's your own fault. It's so easy to sit there and let your misery suck away any inspiration to do anything with your life, and now that I'm at the bottom, I don't think I can crawl out.
I remember once saying I wasn't suicidal. That the only thing keeping me alive was the fact that any debt I owed would fall onto my parents. But even that doesn't seem reason enough at this point. Yeah, I guess I really am that selfish.
But that's another topic all itself.
There was someone who talked me through my depression the last time I posted about it on here. We started spending a lot of time together on Xbox Live and quickly became inseparable. She was my savior and my soul sister. She made everything okay when my world was crashing down around me. She made me happy, and to this day, I love her to death. I doubt I'll ever move on past her.
But she's already moved on past me. It's hard to tell whether she realizes it or not. It's a rollercoaster with her--going from talking every now and then through texts to that one moment when she gets bored of texting me and spends time with the other girl she's made friends with. I became old news. All that chemistry, bonding, gaming, getting to know each other...all those phone calls, all the visits and even trying to live together. Of fucking course it had to be too good to be true.
I don't have her anymore, and I've come to terms with that fact. I'm done going back and forth. She doesn't mean to do any harm, but I don't think she realizes the damage she does every time.
It's not like I don't have ANYONE else. In my move to Virginia (the Texas one never happened because I can't accomplish jack shit without someone holding my hand, apparently), I started frequenting Tumblr, and I met my best friend on there. She puts up with a lot of bullshit from me. Not only do I bitch about a lot of really stupid shit, but depression has turned me into a bitter and irritable person. I see the entire world in a very dark light, and she's often on the receiving end of a lot of my banter.
I've asked her time and time again, and I still don't get why she puts up with me. At least, then I'd understand if she decided to move on...
This friend has been privy to my borderline suicidal thoughts. And at one point, she said "Remember, you've got me to live for. I don't want you to die."
I don't know how I'm supposed to take that. Yeah, I'm flattered that she considers me important, and I'm not stupid enough to think I don't have family members and other friends who care about me. But am I the only selfish one here? Here's good proof that I'm in the worst mental state I've ever been in: I think that if people truly give a shit about me, they'd let me die provided I was miserable enough to want to do so. It's no different than letting someone who can't function on their own--think, act, enjoy things--come off of life support and have some rest.
I'm so tired, guys. I'm so tired of everything. I'm so tired of work, of student loan debt looming over me. I'm tired of being the person I am. I'm tired of being bitchy, whiny, depressed, and fucking reckless. I'm tired of being me.
I hate myself so much. I'm a terrible person. I'm selfish and stupid and I apparently can't think or act for myself. Twenty three years old, and I'm still stuck living with my mom. I'm attempting for the....Third? time to move out in two weeks, but with student loan debt and rent and bills to cover all at the same time, I'll probably end up right back here with mom again. Or dad. Whoever decides to open their doors.
See? I've got no purpose. I'm dead fucking weight. I'm a disappointment, and I'll never amount to anything. I've tried changing. I've tried breaking out, and all I've done is made things worse.
I just want it to end.