Life sucks right now, so I'm ranting about it.
My stress level has reached its peak, I think. .___. So I really need to vent. Feel free to disregard this. I'm honestly just trying to get some stress off my chest, since my panic attacks are coming back on a daily fucking basis and I found myself thinking some not-so-pleasant things this morning.
Let me start out by saying this is no one's fault but my own. I'm just not a happy person in general, and I apologize in advance for upsetting anyone who reads this. In fact, just to make it fair and everything, I'll put my little rant behind an LJ cut so you get to choose whether to read it or not.
Before reading the cut, to those of you who aren't going to read, I'll state this outside of the cut--I won't be on AIM NEARLY as much as usual. IMs are stressful to me, and I've had a panic attack every time I've signed on and gotten messaged by eight or nine people at once. I gave out my AIM, so that's not anyone's fault but mine, but until my anxiety dies down a bit, I'm going to avoid AIM like the plague to see if it helps for now.
First off, I'm up to my ears in debt. I fucked up by moving away from home in tough economic times and ended up getting a credit card to pay my rent because I was working a job that only gave me fourteen hours a week on minimum wage. After six months of that, I moved back home because I'd reached my credit limit and had no other way to cover my rent. Also, the major I'd chosen wasn't all that awesome to me anymore. And my roommates sucked.
Now, I'm over twelve thousand dollars in debt because of student loans, credit cards, and terminating my lease early. I recently added a health insurance deductible to that for going to the ER. At least it's only 500 bucks instead of the 5 thousand the insurance covered. Beggars can't be choosers, and frankly I'm satisfied with the end of that deal I got.
Anywho, I've been unemployed for almost three months, now. I'm living in a tiny little city that's in so much poverty that half of the places I've visited won't even let me fill out an application because they're not hiring, and the other half are just making excuses not to hire me. I don't have a bad work history or anything--they just don't have a spot to put me in. Everyone gets there a day before me, it seems, and it's frustrating beyond belief.
All of my friends are online, and I prefer it that way. This town sucks. I've lived here for almost all twenty years of my life and I've never once met someone outside of my family members that was decent enough to consider a friend. They all know who I am, what my sexuality is, and my religious preference(which is none--I'm not religious and I don't see why that's a bad thing) and I've spent since my freshman year trying to get them off my ass. They holler at me in parking lots, "WHERE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND?" Just because they know I'm bisexual and they say cruel things to my sister, who has to put up with all their jeers and they just don't give a shit.
That said, I'm a little lonely, but this town is too small(probably not more than a couple miles long from the north end to the south end, honestly) for there to actually be anyone else out there, and I can't afford to move. This is nobody's fault by my own, but that doesn't stop me from feeling the stress from it.
And then there's my general stress issues. I have panic attacks regularly. I've been put on antidepressants to manage the panic attacks, but recently, it's not doing any good. And not only that, but I've been feeling increasingly depressed lately. Today, while jobhunting, I was driving my car over an overpass and I actually found myself contemplating just slamming on the gas and careening off the edge, because frankly, I'm just not satisfied with my life.
I can honestly say that the only thing keeping me from doing anything reckless or suicidal is the fact that my debts won't go away with my death. They'll be passed on to whoever the credit card companies are cruel enough to bother about in my family. Probably my mom since she co-signed on one of them.
Now, before you all go and start calling me emo or some shit, I'm going to point out that I'm not posting this for attention. It's why I put it behind a cut--so you could have the choice to read it or not.
I'm not 'emo' or whatever. I'm just depressed and a little mentally fucked. I don't like the way my life is turning out to be. I'm not going to get back into college since my loan agencies don't trust me anymore after three months of unemployment and I'm never going to finish the nursing program because of it. I'll be stuck in some crappy-ass factory job, doing something I hate just to ATTEMPT to pay things off, and the next thing I know, I'll be ninety years old and not getting retirement because no one cares about 401k or surviving life when you can't take care of yourself anymore.
I'm going to say right now that I'm not going to kill myself. My parents don't deserve the stress or the debt it'll cost them. So you call can quit worrying about that. But if I were to say I didn't want to...I'd kind of be lying.
Consider this whiny or call me a brat or whatever you wish. I didn't post this for comments or whatever. Just wanted to get things off my chest.
Let me start out by saying this is no one's fault but my own. I'm just not a happy person in general, and I apologize in advance for upsetting anyone who reads this. In fact, just to make it fair and everything, I'll put my little rant behind an LJ cut so you get to choose whether to read it or not.
Before reading the cut, to those of you who aren't going to read, I'll state this outside of the cut--I won't be on AIM NEARLY as much as usual. IMs are stressful to me, and I've had a panic attack every time I've signed on and gotten messaged by eight or nine people at once. I gave out my AIM, so that's not anyone's fault but mine, but until my anxiety dies down a bit, I'm going to avoid AIM like the plague to see if it helps for now.
First off, I'm up to my ears in debt. I fucked up by moving away from home in tough economic times and ended up getting a credit card to pay my rent because I was working a job that only gave me fourteen hours a week on minimum wage. After six months of that, I moved back home because I'd reached my credit limit and had no other way to cover my rent. Also, the major I'd chosen wasn't all that awesome to me anymore. And my roommates sucked.
Now, I'm over twelve thousand dollars in debt because of student loans, credit cards, and terminating my lease early. I recently added a health insurance deductible to that for going to the ER. At least it's only 500 bucks instead of the 5 thousand the insurance covered. Beggars can't be choosers, and frankly I'm satisfied with the end of that deal I got.
Anywho, I've been unemployed for almost three months, now. I'm living in a tiny little city that's in so much poverty that half of the places I've visited won't even let me fill out an application because they're not hiring, and the other half are just making excuses not to hire me. I don't have a bad work history or anything--they just don't have a spot to put me in. Everyone gets there a day before me, it seems, and it's frustrating beyond belief.
All of my friends are online, and I prefer it that way. This town sucks. I've lived here for almost all twenty years of my life and I've never once met someone outside of my family members that was decent enough to consider a friend. They all know who I am, what my sexuality is, and my religious preference(which is none--I'm not religious and I don't see why that's a bad thing) and I've spent since my freshman year trying to get them off my ass. They holler at me in parking lots, "WHERE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND?" Just because they know I'm bisexual and they say cruel things to my sister, who has to put up with all their jeers and they just don't give a shit.
That said, I'm a little lonely, but this town is too small(probably not more than a couple miles long from the north end to the south end, honestly) for there to actually be anyone else out there, and I can't afford to move. This is nobody's fault by my own, but that doesn't stop me from feeling the stress from it.
And then there's my general stress issues. I have panic attacks regularly. I've been put on antidepressants to manage the panic attacks, but recently, it's not doing any good. And not only that, but I've been feeling increasingly depressed lately. Today, while jobhunting, I was driving my car over an overpass and I actually found myself contemplating just slamming on the gas and careening off the edge, because frankly, I'm just not satisfied with my life.
I can honestly say that the only thing keeping me from doing anything reckless or suicidal is the fact that my debts won't go away with my death. They'll be passed on to whoever the credit card companies are cruel enough to bother about in my family. Probably my mom since she co-signed on one of them.
Now, before you all go and start calling me emo or some shit, I'm going to point out that I'm not posting this for attention. It's why I put it behind a cut--so you could have the choice to read it or not.
I'm not 'emo' or whatever. I'm just depressed and a little mentally fucked. I don't like the way my life is turning out to be. I'm not going to get back into college since my loan agencies don't trust me anymore after three months of unemployment and I'm never going to finish the nursing program because of it. I'll be stuck in some crappy-ass factory job, doing something I hate just to ATTEMPT to pay things off, and the next thing I know, I'll be ninety years old and not getting retirement because no one cares about 401k or surviving life when you can't take care of yourself anymore.
I'm going to say right now that I'm not going to kill myself. My parents don't deserve the stress or the debt it'll cost them. So you call can quit worrying about that. But if I were to say I didn't want to...I'd kind of be lying.
Consider this whiny or call me a brat or whatever you wish. I didn't post this for comments or whatever. Just wanted to get things off my chest.