It's past my bedtime
Especially as I've driven over 200 miles today and I have to be up at 7am. Today has been emotional. I didn't expect it to be really. It's two fold really. I'm emotional because Zoe is so happy and to see that serene look in her eyes is beautiful. When I visited Sarah back in January I thought she looked amazing but with Zoe's it's even more touching as we have such a close relationship. On the flip side it's upsetting because although I thought we were happy during our marriage there was never this level of contentment. For me it's also hit that "he" has now gone forever. There is no turning back now. The process has been so dominant in my life too for the last 18 months, providing a different level of support and really in many ways passing on my own experience as a natal female to Zoe and watching her grow in confidence. In a way it's like a child starting school and kind of handing them over to the big wide world. You know they'll be fine but you can't help but worry a bit and then you realise that your role has changed and it's time to focus more on yourself.
Zoe will never stop being my family. No one will ever know her like I do. I'll never really "let go" as such as we'll always share such a deep loving bond that no one can break. He will always be in my heart. He was my first real love and the first person I shared my life with and fully committed to. We share a bond through our beautiful children who will always be a part of us both and a symbol that once there was a different body but still the same soul.
Suddenly though things have changed. GD is no longer going to dominate our lives. Suddenly it's time to start living for us both. I'm scared. In a way all the trans stuff has been a safety blanket and a distraction for me. I've been returning the favour in a way for all the support I've been given over the years. I guess I'm scared now that I don't have a role and a purpose. I'm a nurturer. Always have been. Suddenly all those I'm looking after have blossomed and grown and don't need to be nurtured. My best friend is now a complete woman. My baby will be starting school in 4 months and all of a sudden I'm realising my role as a nurturer is drawing to a close and I have no idea what I'll be moving onto.
My emotions are on the whole positive but equally very overwhelming. I guess it's just time to look for the next journey and see where it will lead. It looks as though I'm going to have long term company on this journey which is exciting but equally scary. There's a whole new world opening up all of a sudden. The one person though who's been there for nearly 10 years remains constant and that in itself is a great achievement.
Zoe will never stop being my family. No one will ever know her like I do. I'll never really "let go" as such as we'll always share such a deep loving bond that no one can break. He will always be in my heart. He was my first real love and the first person I shared my life with and fully committed to. We share a bond through our beautiful children who will always be a part of us both and a symbol that once there was a different body but still the same soul.
Suddenly though things have changed. GD is no longer going to dominate our lives. Suddenly it's time to start living for us both. I'm scared. In a way all the trans stuff has been a safety blanket and a distraction for me. I've been returning the favour in a way for all the support I've been given over the years. I guess I'm scared now that I don't have a role and a purpose. I'm a nurturer. Always have been. Suddenly all those I'm looking after have blossomed and grown and don't need to be nurtured. My best friend is now a complete woman. My baby will be starting school in 4 months and all of a sudden I'm realising my role as a nurturer is drawing to a close and I have no idea what I'll be moving onto.
My emotions are on the whole positive but equally very overwhelming. I guess it's just time to look for the next journey and see where it will lead. It looks as though I'm going to have long term company on this journey which is exciting but equally scary. There's a whole new world opening up all of a sudden. The one person though who's been there for nearly 10 years remains constant and that in itself is a great achievement.