It's a death
To me GRS is a death. It's the ritual murder of my husband. I don't think anyone trand can understand that. To them it's a good thing. To me it has to sides. One side is positive and the positives are what you have to keep going on and on about.
The negatives are what eat you inside. That's what causes the pain and the tears. No one trans really understands that those of us who didn't want all this are grieving. Our husbands are dead. But we have no funeral to help us mourn. There is no grave we can visit and lay flowers on. If we're not supportive we're considered cruel and unfeeling. The truth of it is though it's the most painful thing we have to go through if it's not what we wanted and if we weren't lesbians.
Can you imagine what it's like to have to hide the parentage of your children? You already know what it's like to live every day as a lie. Our marriages were lies. Our children were born out of lies. We have to live a lie to protect our children. We have to lie to everyone we speak to. We have to begin lying to new partners. If we could somehow acknowledge our losses we wouldn't be carrying round so much pain and resentment. Yes, a part of us will always hate you for bringing us into your lies.
The worst part is that we have no support. If you are grieving this kind of loss there is no one there for you. You have to carry it all alone. No one actually cares. They say you're strong but inside you wish the person really was dead. You sometimes wish they had chosen the other path. At least then you could mourn properly. We are the ones cast aside. We are the ones forgotten. That awful reminder of the past. The children a constant reminder too. A burden. It's all about them. They have their communities, their cheerleaders. We're lucky if we can find a partner who can accept this baggage we have to carry round. They can pick and choose from within their community and some are lucky enough to have wives or life partners who can ride the storm with them.
It's hardest for those of us who tried to support the whole way through and then get forgotten at the end. Those of us who gave up our time, lied to our families, lied to our partners and lost our partners so we could be supportive. To be pushed aside at the final stage is the final insult. It brings the grief to a head. Not only have our husbands died but we've been supporting someone and then we're cast aside as if we never existed in the first place. It's at that point the demons start to arrive. I start to wonder how I can make the past disappear for good. If the four of us were really gone then there would be no need for lies. There would be no more pain. No more distress. We'd be protecting the innocent children who don't need to go through this. No one cares about them. No one offers them support. No one cares about their grief. Their father is dead. You can pretend it's normal for them but it's not. They aren't normal children anymore. They're different. Children who are different are treated differently. They are singled out. Surely it would be kinder to not be a part of this. Let all of the old life die.
It's all focused on the trans person and how brave and wonderful they are but really it's easy for them. They have doctors, websites, chatrooms, support groups. We are the ones who need the support. We are the ones who need to be helped. We are the ones with the children to comfort while we have our own internal breakdown.
The negatives are what eat you inside. That's what causes the pain and the tears. No one trans really understands that those of us who didn't want all this are grieving. Our husbands are dead. But we have no funeral to help us mourn. There is no grave we can visit and lay flowers on. If we're not supportive we're considered cruel and unfeeling. The truth of it is though it's the most painful thing we have to go through if it's not what we wanted and if we weren't lesbians.
Can you imagine what it's like to have to hide the parentage of your children? You already know what it's like to live every day as a lie. Our marriages were lies. Our children were born out of lies. We have to live a lie to protect our children. We have to lie to everyone we speak to. We have to begin lying to new partners. If we could somehow acknowledge our losses we wouldn't be carrying round so much pain and resentment. Yes, a part of us will always hate you for bringing us into your lies.
The worst part is that we have no support. If you are grieving this kind of loss there is no one there for you. You have to carry it all alone. No one actually cares. They say you're strong but inside you wish the person really was dead. You sometimes wish they had chosen the other path. At least then you could mourn properly. We are the ones cast aside. We are the ones forgotten. That awful reminder of the past. The children a constant reminder too. A burden. It's all about them. They have their communities, their cheerleaders. We're lucky if we can find a partner who can accept this baggage we have to carry round. They can pick and choose from within their community and some are lucky enough to have wives or life partners who can ride the storm with them.
It's hardest for those of us who tried to support the whole way through and then get forgotten at the end. Those of us who gave up our time, lied to our families, lied to our partners and lost our partners so we could be supportive. To be pushed aside at the final stage is the final insult. It brings the grief to a head. Not only have our husbands died but we've been supporting someone and then we're cast aside as if we never existed in the first place. It's at that point the demons start to arrive. I start to wonder how I can make the past disappear for good. If the four of us were really gone then there would be no need for lies. There would be no more pain. No more distress. We'd be protecting the innocent children who don't need to go through this. No one cares about them. No one offers them support. No one cares about their grief. Their father is dead. You can pretend it's normal for them but it's not. They aren't normal children anymore. They're different. Children who are different are treated differently. They are singled out. Surely it would be kinder to not be a part of this. Let all of the old life die.
It's all focused on the trans person and how brave and wonderful they are but really it's easy for them. They have doctors, websites, chatrooms, support groups. We are the ones who need the support. We are the ones who need to be helped. We are the ones with the children to comfort while we have our own internal breakdown.