[THOR] Here is the Deepest Secret Nobody Knows, Thor/Loki, part 2
Part one
Thor has been searching for Loki for the past half an hour. He has already asked after several guards and servants the whereabouts of his consort to no avail. Loki had his moments where he needed to be alone and could not be found until he returned willingly to Thor’s arms.
He enters the garden, thinking that perhaps he shall seek his own solace. He pauses mid-stride and a sudden relief washes over him when he sees Loki sitting on the garden bench, humming to himself.
“So this is where you have been all this time? I miss you and our child.” Again, the sense of déjà vu strikes him and Thor looks at the tree nearest to the bench, almost hoping that someone is standing there.
Loki turns to smile at him, his hand on the crest of his swollen belly. But when he sees the frown adorning Thor’s handsome visage Loki is immediately concerned for his spouse. “Is something the matter?”
Thor shakes his head. “Nothing.”
But soon Thor forgets again, the peculiar feeling is no longer there to haunt him as he becomes even more affixed to his current life. Loki gives birth to a son and Thor is the happiest man alive. If ten years ago someone had told him that he and Loki would be married and have a son, he would have deemed them delusional.
Ten years of blissful happiness and Thor would not trade it for anything.
*
“I cannot believe you are dragging me to the library.”
“You promised me that you would do anything for me.”
“I thought you meant- oh! You know what I meant, Loki!”
Loki smiles pertly as he drags Thor behind him. They pass several bookshelves until they reach a section that Loki has been searching for. Thor watches his cheeky spouse who is looking over the titles of the books, his hips jutting to the side as if teasing Thor, and perhaps Loki is playing some kind of a game with him. With a huff, Thor turns him around and kisses him, nipping his lower lip and licking the cavern inside Loki’s mouth.
They grasp at each other, Loki twines Thor’s blond locks between his fingers and pulls them as Thor bites and sucks the delicate skin under his ear.
“Thor- No- ah!”
Thor grins, but before he can continue his ministrations a thick and heavy book that appears out of nowhere hits his chest. “Oof!”
Instinctively he holds the book to his chest lest it fall and crush his feet.
Loki manages to gasp out, “I want you to read that book for me.” His lips are swollen red and his pupils are full-blown with intense lust but Loki is not ready to end the game.
Thor glares at him. Very well, he shall play Loki’s game. Loki smirks at him as he wraps his hands around Thor’s arm. They sit on the floor and Thor opens the book on the first page. In the middle of his reading he feels his spouse’s head rest on his shoulder and Thor finds his brother particularly endearing at the moment.
For a long period of time they stay that way, peaceful and content in their own world. Thor moves his gaze to his spouse and finds his eyes are closed. He pauses in his reading as he watches the pale skin, the midnight lashes, the delicate nose and his dainty lips.
“Are you still awake, Loki?”
“My eyes may be closed but I’m still listening. Keep going.”
Thor smiles softly and turns his gaze back to the book. As he continues to read, at the back of his mind the sudden jolt of déjà vu strikes him again. A distant memory like a hazy dream, there is a soft murmur in his head, “Do you think we could stay this way forever?”
“Thor…”
Thor pauses and looks at Loki.
“Do you think we could stay this way forever?”
Like a fallen delicate crystal bowl shattering into hundreds of pieces, a spell has been broken and Thor remembers ten years ago.
“A part of yourself will be planted inside his mind.”
Why so hostile? Why commit unforgivable crimes?
“I’m a monster, Thor. I’m a frost giant!”
No matter how much Thor wants to deny it, this is his Loki’s subconscious mind, his brother’s deepest desire and this mind does not belong to a monster.
Thor looks at the book in his hand, the words are no longer there, it was simply an empty page and he turns to look around himself. He is not in the library anymore. He is standing on the Bifrost, his hand is no longer holding anything. It is just himself all alone, and not even Heimdall is around to watch him.
It clarifies a lot of things. Odin rarely visits them because Loki has never been fond of him. The twelve Diars are subconsciously part of Loki and that explains their shrewdness. Everyone in this world is how Loki imagines them to be and he created them in his mind, Thor has been living inside Loki’s ideal world- his brother’s perfect mind he tells himself- for the past ten years.
A decade!
The Norns had slipped him into Loki’s mind while he slept, when the shield to his mind was at its lowest, and he remembered the Norns forewarn him; that should he interact with anyone inside Loki’s mind, his brother would cease to exist in the real world and would gradually build his life inside his own mind.
How long had it been out there? Months? Years?
Had Loki been asleep all this time? Had the Avengers found Loki’s sleeping body and captured him?
What had he done?
He had not taken heed of the Norn’s warning. He had rushed to Loki who had been bleeding all over, had held him and brought him to Asgard, completely forgetting his existent in the real world and truly thinking that this had been their reality. His reality.
Now he feels so lost, so dejected at himself and thoroughly cheated because he truly loves this existence. For the past ten years he has been genuinely content with his life.
He is a king here, and Loki is his wonderful consort that he loves faithfully. He has a beautiful son that he cherishes. Is he willing to let this go?
Does he really want to leave this fantasy behind him?
Even if he does not want to, he knows that he must.
He has to go and if the Norns say that Loki is building a life here, then his Loki that has been with him for the past decade is the real Loki. He must leave this place with Loki or his brother shall remain trapped in this limbo.
What must he do?
Wake up. He hears the whispers in the air. The Norns are still out there, still guiding his thread of fate and he knows that his life does not end here. His future is out there in the real world with Loki.
Wake up, again they whisper to him. He looks down the Bifrost and sees the clouds and skies and there, the abyss. Through experience, the dream of falling always wakes him up and he frowns.
Must they do that?
Jump into the abyss, that’s their only way out. But Thor is hesitant because what if this is the real world after all, what if he is just imagining the voices in his head? He has a son here and he cannot leave him here alone. Loki would never abandon their little boy.
No.
Remember.
Remember ten years ago.
Wake up.
“Thor?”
Thor turns around and feels at ease when he sees his brother there.
“Thor, why are you standing so close to the edge?”
Thor looks back and realizes that Loki is right, if he just takes one more step then he will plunge right into the abyss. He moves his gaze back to his brother who looks concerned for him, as if he is going to witness Thor’s suicide attempt.
“Do you trust me, Loki?”
“Yes.”
He offers his right hand to Loki. “Will you hold my hand?”
Loki stares at him fearfully and Thor abruptly gets anxious, but he has to do this. He will not leave his brother here.
“Please, Loki. I promise you I am not going to do anything stupid.”
Loki touches his hand and Thor gently holds it in his.
“Will you explain to me what is going on, Thor?”
“We must leave this place.”
“Leave Asgard?”
“No. We must wake up. Back to the real world.”
Loki stares at him incredulously and not for the first time Thor wishes he has Loki’s brilliant ability to express something complicated in simple words.
“I have made a mistake for not realizing this sooner. I had gone into your mind, your ideal world which is this reality that we are living now, with a wicked intention and yes, I know it is wrong but I’m not sorry that I came here because I get to see the real you. I got to know you better here than the last century we spent together before it all went so wrong between us. I fell in love with you, Loki.”
Thor pulls Loki close to him and cups his cheek with his other hand, caressing the tender skin there. “I will not let you go anymore. I won’t leave you here, inside your mind. We have a life out there so we must go back to the real world.”
Loki pulls away from Thor but he clutches Loki’s hand tightly.
“Please, Loki. You must trust me in this!”
“Our child? Is he not real?”
“He is out there too, in our future. We shall have him there. Don’t you think these past ten years everything has been just too perfect, like it goes exactly how we desire it to be?”
Right there, he sees a subtle change in Loki’s eyes and there is a slight grimness at the edge of his lips. So it seems that even Loki is aware of the peculiarity of their world.
Thor tugs Loki closer to him again. “I have a feeling that you won’t remember these ten years of our time together. But you must keep this in mind; imprint this as part of you… For all the crimes that you committed, I forgive you. You were never a monster. Frost giant or not, whatever form you take I still love you and you are always beautiful in my eyes. The Aesir will accept you and they have to because I shall take you as my consort just as what you are right now. We shall rule Asgard together.”
He kisses Loki’s cheek, and then presses their mouths together, their eyes shut to the world as Thor expresses his passion for Loki. When he pulls away he whispers to him, his breath caressing devotion to Loki’s lips. “I want you to know how grateful I am to you for these amazing ten years. You taught me how to be a king, and to be wise and reserved. I am much obliged to you.”
Thor pulls them closer to the edge and he can feel the apprehension and dread from the way Loki is grabbing his hand. Wake up, the Norns call to him again.
Loki does not want to jump with him, yet he does not want Thor to plummet into the abyss alone. He could see it in his emerald eyes, the fear and desperation, but at the same time Thor spots the love and trust for him.
“What if we keep falling?”
Yes, there is a possibility that they keep falling, a never-ending descent.
“We won’t. Trust me, Loki.”
He embraces Loki, envelopes him in his arms and presses his mouth to Loki’s ear. “I promise I will come back for you on the other side.”
And Thor takes one step backward as he brings Loki along with him.
*
Wake up…
Wake up.
Loki, wake up.
Loki opens his eyes and the first thing he sees is the Midgardian clock on the wall. He lets his gaze linger on the numbers and needles, counting the hours of his sleep. He abruptly leaps out from his bed and from the small window of his motel he could see twilight.
Has he been sleeping the entire day?
An hour later, after he has had his shower and filled his stomach with food from the bistro that is not far away from his place, he finally finds out that yes, he has been sleeping the whole day.
He lets go of the incident and thinks that he has been too tired as of late. Besides, he is feeling genuinely lighter like never before. His heart no longer aches of loneliness. The violence that has been raging inside him for many years is like a dull pulse which no longer overwhelms him. The oppressive darkness and hatred for himself is not there anymore. There is no resentment.
There is only a feeling of happiness that he cannot really elucidate.
He can feel the curve of his lips turn into a small smile when he watches the people around him; a couple holding hands, a man speaking into his phone, three teenage girls giggling at each other as they pass him by, an old woman with a miniature dog in her arms.
Loki feels acceptance, love, and most of all, peace.
So Loki makes up his mind right there. He checks out from his motel and transforms himself into a different appearance. He does not wish to be found by Dr. Doom or other villains, nor does he wish to be caught by the Avengers.
He goes to visit every art gallery and museum in the city, attends a concert, watches movies, and strolls through the park, and during this entire time of living openly, without any ill agenda, he feels so alive.
Thor is always in his mind too, especially in the night before he sleeps, his thoughts are mostly occupied by his brother. Sometimes, he refers to Thor as his spouse, or his king by mistake, and it does not even concern him that his mind slips to such thoughts.
There are times when he thinks of searching for his brother, perhaps he is in the Avengers mansion, or he might be in Asgard, but something tells him that his brother will come to him. Someday.
Two weeks later there is a knock upon his door and there stands his golden brother. His heart aches for him and Loki realizes just how much he has missed Thor all this time.
Thor grins at him. “I told you I would come back for you.”
END